A Much Better Dear Captain Letter

Now this is what I like to find in my mail box. Hack finally cracked the computer I picked off of Walker's corpse. She downloaded all the relevant texts and sent it to me. Now that's service.

Apparently General Surgeon has two major 'hospitals' as he lists them. He also has dozens of contacts throughout the medical community supplying him with fresh corpses. Also, he has a few harvesters working the homeless population and some of the poorer neighborhoods. Wow, that's quite an operation. The General has been working for close to 18 months on this, but I can't determine what his larger plan is.

I don't know which of the two 'hospitals' he works from, but I can see that they won't be easy to crack. The numbers are a bit staggering. It looks like what we destroyed at the Bass Theater were about thirty percent of his entire force. Granted, that's not taking into account that this computer is about a month out of date. I also have no idea of what General Surgeon's capabilites are. He could be a badd ass himself, or he could be a genuis wimp.

I swear, it's times like these I'm tempted to call some superheroes and make an anonymous tip. Let them figure out how to defeat a zombie army and leave me to robbing more rich people.

Aww, who am I kidding? The General started this war, and I'm going to finish it. I could use some back up though, so maybe it's past time to call on some old favors.

Why some Ex's Stay Ex's

After a glorious romp last night where I made up for two months of celibacy, I awoke this morning to no Jaser in the hideout. He did leave me this note-

Scarlett,

What we have shared has always been special, but last night I realized that you have changed in the time we have been apart. You're stronger now, and I don't know if I can adjust to that. I feel if I did stay with you, you would just add me to your crew and not treat me as a partner. I'm going to head back west and see what crimes await me there. If you ever need me, I'll be there.


Jazer

What a wimp. Seriously, is he a super-villain or a psychologist? Cripes, I have things to do and I was hoping Jaser could provide some needed muscle. Now I got this stupid Dear Captain letter to think about.

Next time I see him, I might just shoot him and let that be my reply.

Throwdowns with Heroes and Ex's

“Step away from the rocket and put your hands up.”

I sometimes wonder why heroes say crap like that. What’s the point? Has a super-villain ever stepped away and just stopped what they were doing? Are some villains just that cowardly that they surrender? Upgrade was looking impressive in his shiny armor and all, but surrender? How can a genius who built his own armor really expect us to give up?

My crew was holding their fire because they know the conversation between heroes and villains is very important. It’s a psychological game as well as just hyping ourselves up for the fight. Jaser was waiting for my signal, which is something I can admire in a man. Trouble was, I really didn’t have anything ready.

“Look, Upgrade,” I said. “We don’t want a fight. We just want to shoot this rocket into deep space and say goodbye to an old boss. Do we really need to complicate such a somber occasion?”

Upgrade paused. I bet he’s never had a villain who wanted to not fight. It really threw him for a loop.

“Is this some sort of funeral?” he asked.

For an answer, I snapped out my Blastket and shot him while he was in a chatting mood. Sure, maybe we would have negotiated some sort of peaceful walk away, but a sure early surprise shot is a better gamble than a peaceful solution. Plus, I was in a piss poor mood.

My Blastket shot ricocheted off Upgrade’s force field. So did the hundred or so shots my Bots fired as well. Upgrade had apparently, well, upgraded to a new laser proof force field. It was something I had feared but was actually impressed to see done. It was on.

Jaser shifted to laser form and took to the air. My Bots kept firing their lasers as I dove for cover. It was just in time; Upgrade fired off his own wrist lasers at everyone and the air was sizzling with the smell of burnt trees. My Bots were eating laser shots too, and unlike Upgrade, they weren’t immune.

So there I was, bravely cowering behind some excess crates. I was trying to come up with a battle plan but you know, I was more prepared for a funeral. Jaser wasn’t hurting Upgrade, but Upgrade wasn’t hurting Jaser’s laser body either. They could go back and forth for ages without a resolution. As many barbs and insults as they were trading, I could just see that happening.

“Built that suit yourself? What was it, a high school science fair project?”

“This coming from a guy whose big power is turning into colored light. Who’s your nemesis, black paint guy?”

I have to say though that Jaser was doing pretty good. He couldn’t hurt Upgrade but he kept zipping around him, keeping his attention. Upgrade was firing lasers, missiles and other assorted crap but Jaser was still dodging.

We had some leftovers from the rocket. We loaded it with a lot of deadly items but some just wouldn’t fit. A good Captain always knows when she needs a bigger cannon. I rifled through the boxes and found just what we needed. Professor Malice planned for everything.

“Hey Upgrade!” I shouted.

Jaser zipped to the side so Upgrade could get a good look at me. I was standing on an empty crate carrying a gun with a barrel the size of a cannonball. I had my hat tipped over my good eye in a very dramatic fashion. My gun was just under my breasts, pushing them up slightly through my bustier. In my business, always distract before shooting.

Upgrade hesitated once more and I squeezed the trigger. A vortex appeared two feet away from Upgrade and sucked him in faster than a lead chest will hit the bottom of the ocean. The vortex hovered for about five more seconds before vanishing.

“You got him Scarlett!” Jaser cried.

“Yep, Professor Malice’s instant wormhole maker might use too much uranium for each shot, but you only need one.”

“Where did you set the exit wormhole?”

“Oh, about five miles into the Earth’s crust,” I lied. Actually I set it for Hawaii, but no since telling Jaser that. Upgrade and I haven’t had our meaningful yet tawdry romance/fight yet. You don’t go killing the cute ones.

I was feeling pumped. Defeating a super-hero was just the thing I needed. Professor Malice was dead but his inventions were still ruining the day for good guys.

“1stMateBot, launch the rocket!”

Jaser frowned. “I wanted to say some last words.”

“Start talking fast then, it’s a minute countdown.”

He gave me a look I hadn’t seen from Jaser before. I wasn’t debating the countdown, I was informing him that it was going to happen. It occurred to me that other than refusing to partners with him, this was the first time I ever took the leadership position in an endeavor that we were working on. It felt pretty good.

“Professor Malice, you were a bad man but an awesome scientist,” Jaser said. “The world is a more dangerous place because of your work, but also far more interesting. We shall send your gifts into the stars to sow destruction, chaos and science wherever your rocket may land. May your work here spread through out the galaxy.”

The rocket took off and it was a beautiful sight. The flames and smoke were less beautiful. The smoke sent us into the ‘Lustful Raider’ where we tracked the rocket on BosunBot’s satellite links. HelmsBot drove us back into the city while we monitored the rocket to make sure it left Earth orbit. It flew just fine.

On the ride back, I seduced Jaser. More like a ravished him, but he didn’t mind. I think he was a little put out by me taking charge again but too bad. It had been a long time and I needed it. I had defeated an enemy, said goodbye to a mentor and now I needed to command one of the more unpredictable parts of my life and make it bend to my will for a change.

It’s good to be the Captain.

Viking Funeral, Super Villain Style

There isn’t much open space in Comfort Bay. Office buildings, warehouses and apartment complexes multiply on top of one another like pirates around a grog keg. We had to go outside of town, past the suburbs and onto the highways where open land lies in wait for some ambitious developer to decide that this place needs yet another strip mall. Thankfully, the trees are pretty thick here and we had some cover for our farewell to Professor Malice. There is nothing like a quiet bit of woods in the middle of nowhere to set the theme for a super villain funeral.

Jaser had out done himself. He gathered everything we needed and he did it faster than I ever could. We had a crate of Professor Malice’s notes, a barrel of the worse toxins Malice had ever designed, the Professor’s gravity gun that crushed targets into something the size of a beer can, a rack of genetic life forms designed for striping mountains of all usable minerals and other fun things Professor Malice had created over the years. It was the cream of the crop from all the secret labs Professor Malice had over the world.

That was just the first half. The second, some would argue more important part was the new stuff we gathered today. Jaser and I hit certain places all over Comfort Bay for these bits. I robbed a steel yard for well, steel. Jaser blasted a couple of factories that had the electronics I needed. My Bots also raided a Church’s chicken, but that was more for us, not the funeral.

Jaser was no genius so it was up to me to do the technical work. It was pretty fun I have to admit. I hadn’t made a rocket in years. Jaser used his powers to do the welding. A few hours later, we had a working rocket jam packed with the best of Professor Malice’s discoveries. My own knowledge of Bots contributed the three artificial intelligences that would maintain and repair the rocket for well, forever since they were powered by Malice’s own Solar Cells.

“This is the best crazy idea you’ve ever had,” Jaser said. “Professor Malice would love it!”

“I bet he would,” I said. “Picture it, a cosmic death ark flying through space. I didn’t give it any defenses other than self-repair. Any alien that wants to take a peek and try to figure out Professor Malice’s weapons of planetary destruction are welcome to it. I just hope they find a use for it before it kills them.”

“I think the Professor would like nothing more than to have his discoveries flying around, terrorizing the universe,” Jaser said.

It was a sweet touching moment. Which should have been a dead give up because that’s when a small missile detonated right beside me. Dirt went flying and my Bots shifted into combat mode.

“I don’t know where that rocket’s going, but it’s never lifting off!

I looked up to see a freaking flying hero. Not just any hero, it was the armored hero, Upgrade. Great. I had been hoping to fight the cute hero in some sort of romantic setting but instead I was facing him with an ex-boyfriend. Just great.

Dead with No Sequel

Bummer of a day mixed with some kissing so it evens out.

I woke up this morning with a knock on the door. Now, being an allegedly abandoned warehouse, we don't get many visitors. I answered the door and lamented the fact that if it was a hero, my new anchor deathtrap is a good 10 feet away from the front door. I had my Blastket ready but I wasn't ready for who was behind the door. It was Jaser, an ex-partner/ex boyfriend.

"Scarlett! Johnny was right! You do live here!"

I was still stunned. "Yeah, hey. Umm, come in. Oh wait, let me deactivate the anchor."

Jaser, the human laser. I hadn't seen him since we parted ways. He wanted to be full time partners and I wasn't ready for the big leagues. Cripes, he seemed taller now. He also had a goatee that actually looked good on him. The red eyes were still sexy.

"Have you heard about Professor Malice?" he asked.

"No, what's the old genius up to these days?" Professor Malice was our boss when we were just henchmen. He was a crazy evil coot who studied Science with a capitol S. Professor Malice helped design my Bots, helped Jaser achieve lightspeed and made me a miniature world once so I could watch it drown. He was the evil non bad touching uncle we never had.

"Professor Malice was killed last week," Jaser said.

We just stared at each other as I soaked it in. "I need a drink. Come on."

Jaser was quiet as I lead him deep into my hideout. Damn, Professor Malice? He was a classy kind of villain. Nothing like the punk trash we have today. Jaser and I were both overcome. That lasted till Jaser saw my bar.

"Holy Christ! Did you rob an entire saloon?"

"Well yeah, I did sort of go over board with my spending. I wanted my own stocked bar."

Jaser whistled as he helped himself. He made me a Rum and Coke just like he used to. "Wow, Scarlett, there's well stocked and there's needing to hire a bartender just to keep the bottles dusted. Hey, isn't it a bit early for a drink."

"Tell you what, next time an old boss of mine dies, I'll wait till noon o start drinking. Now pass me the glass."

Jaser smiled and passed me the glass. He then poured himself some whiskey. I don't know if it was the grief talking or my hormones, but his throat sure did look sexy when he swallowed.

"Who killed him?" I asked.

"No one," Jaser said.

I said an expletive.

"No, really," Jaser continued. "My old communicator was in my closet and it started beeping. After I dug it out, it took me a minute to figure out what three red pulses meant. When I remembered it was the highest level distress signal, I shifted to laser form and hit all his hideouts. Five minutes later I was checking out secret laboratory five, you know, the one under the Mississippi river? Well, the place was wrecked and glowing with this weird red goo. The stuff was noxious. I had to stay in laser form to keep from breathing the stuff. I burned it all away and let the automatic systems cleanse the air."

Jaser took a long hard drink. "I found his body in the lab. He had been blasted to pieces. I could tell the origin of the blast was from his lab table, and of course that's where the red goo was. It looked like he died instantly."

"Was his brain there?" I asked. "I remember that one time, when Captain Freedom fought him and-"

"No," Jaser interrupted. "His brain was there. It was all over the lab actually. There was no chance of a brain transplant this time. I'm sorry, Scarlett."

"That's . . .so weird," I said. "Professor Malice had threatened the world. He's killed his own share of heroes. He should have gone out in a big fight with some nasty device counting down to a final devastation. Not killed like an idiot in a lad accident."

Jaser shrugged and refilled our drinks.

"He was a crazy inventor who would have destroyed the world just to prove a theory, but he was a nice boss who always treated a henchman like a friend, not a sacrificial pawn."

I nodded. "here's to Professor Malice, who most likely is calculating the temperature in Hell right now."

Jaser smiled and toasted my glass.

"I'm sorry I had to bring such bad news," he said.

"It's all right, I'm more worried about how you found my hideout so quickly."

"Oh it was nothing. Your attacks on hospitals made national news you know. What was that all about?"

"Oh nothing," I lied. If I told him about General Surgeon, then Jaser would just want to help, and then he would want to stick around and then he would want to be partners again. Before you know it, he'd come up with a cool name for us and be picking out China patterns.

"I was just blowing off steam, putting some terror into the public," I said.

"Well, once I knew you were in Comfort Bay, I hit the bars to see if anyone knew of you. That's when I ran into Johnny Mars and he told me where you were."

"You know, I never did figure out how Johnny knew about my lair."

"Yeah, he's not a rocket scientist . . . not like Professor Malice was."

I looked away and Jaser did too. I couldn't believe it. We were super-villains and we were choking up over a crazy fart who once tried to make a black hole at the Washington Monument. I knew we should be tougher but man, Professor Malice was one of the good bad guys.

"So, do you know if he had any family?" Jaser said.

"The Professor? No, I think he used them for some sort of genetic experiment, right?"

"Oh yeah," Jaser said. "He turned his parents into centaurs or something when he was 14."

"That was our Professor."

Jaser put his hand on mine.

"What should we do about him? No one's going to bury him. Hell, most people think he's dead anyway. Ever since he started researching string theories, he dropped out of the public eye."

I was half listening to Jaser. His hand felt good. I am not sure if I missed him, or if I just missed human contact. I sat there in silence puzzling out my feelings. Then an idea hit me.

"Let's bury him all right, but let's give him a good send off," I said. I also pulled my hand away and finished my Rum.

"What do you have in mind?" Jaser said.

I told him. I was making it up on the fly, just totally riffing on something Professor Malice might do. Maybe it was the Rum talking, or maybe it was just the fact that Jaser's red eyes still gave me butterflies when he looked at me just right, but I came up with one crazy plan. By the time I finished, Jaser was laughing and giving me high fives.

Then he kissed me.

I broke the kiss and glared at him. I did NOT need this kind of complication!

But then I kissed him back. And I kept at it until visions of green decaying stripper boys surfaced to mind. That's another one I owe General Surgeon.

"Whoa," Jaser said. Then his laser quick brain started working. "Look, Scarlett, I've been meaning to tell you-"

"Hush," I said. "We have a lot of work to get done in a short time. You know what we need, and you're the human laser. Get cracking and meet back here tomorrow morning. I've got my own preparing to do."

He smiled and then remembered he was a super-villain. "Aye aye, Captain," he smirked. And in a blink he was gone.

I sat down in front of the TV and had CookBot make me some breakfast. That's where I stayed, working on the plan and figuring out the hardware we would need. I took a break for CSI because heck, it's CSI. It felt good to spend a day planning instead of killing time. As sad as I was to hear of the Professor's death, I couldn't help be a little excited.

This was going to rock.

Anchors Away!

I need to get out of the hideout. Ever since I was nearly killed by artificial germ strippers, I have been avoiding the bars and usual sources of recreation. It's hard to get liquored up and flirt with pretty men when you're worrying that they might dissolve into something acidic. Because I am not up to four in the morning with handsome guys, I'm getting up around nine or ten every morning. Nine in the freaking morning!

So I have all day to kill. I'm sitting on literally bags of cash so there is no need to do a heist. I've got a source working on the one lead I have to find the General Surgeon, so no work there. With heroes like the Choice out there mad at me, I can't exactly go cruising and see the sights in Comfort Bay. Pirating movies off the internet can only entertain you for so long.

Let me tell you how bored I was today. I spent six hours working on a deathtrap for my hideout. A freaking DEATHTRAP. My hideout is an old warehouse with a nice lobby area for an entrance. It occurred to me today that when someone breaks into my hideout, odds are they going through the lobby. Any super villain worth their salt has to trap such an obvious traffic point. If I don't, it would be like I wasn't taking my own hideout seriously.

For an hour I set up a nasty array of lasers and triggers. Right as I was about finished, something occurred to me. My Bots all have lasers. I carry two lasers. The 'Lustful Raider' has a hidden laser. If someone did break into my hideout, they are most likely expecting lasers. Someone like Upgrade or even Frost Sting would be smart enough to rig up some laser protection. I had to go with something else.

I debated setting up some sort of pit trap with water that would flood and drown my invaders. I ruled that out when I realized that moving floor parts with plumbing might be a bigger job than me and my Bots could handle. Next I considered some poison gases, an exploding barrel and even a cannon that was rigged to go off but they sounded stupid once I started sketching them out.

Finally, it dawned on me. I had that big stupid anchor I bought. It weighed tons! It was looking real nice in my main lair, but it could also double as a conversation piece in the lobby. My Bots wrangled it over the doorway leading to the rest of the hideout and CabinBot even hung a few decorative nets around it. Then I put my technical knowledge to work and rigged up a combination motion sensor/wireless scanner to drop the big bastard if anyone walks by it.

*Fun Scarlett Drake Fact! All the Bots have an identifying signal that I use my cybernetic wrist controller to communicate with. The communicator, also known as my Captain's Whistle, also emits a special frequency that lets the Bots home in on me if I need a rescue. This is the signal the anchor trap scanner looks for to determine if something is friend or foe.*

So there, I have rigged my first deathtrap for my lair. A giant anchor that if I am lucky, will crush some nosy hero and if I am unlucky, will make a crapload of noise when it drops so I can get ready.

Gods, I need to find something better to do with my time.

Even More Memes

Dorian started something that would not die. I saw no reason to let fictional characters have all the fun. Besides, it gave me something to do while I watched all my Masters of Horrors episodes I missed in Decemeber.

Running Errands

So I was ticked off that I couldn't crack Walker's computer notebook. Friday I almost shot the cursed thing when I remembered I had a contact. Mad Dave gave me a website to go to and told me I would find the uber hacker there. I had nothing else to lose so I gave it a try.

Just logging into the website took over my computer. Strange pixels formed and weird sounds emitted from the speakers but I was cool. You can't be an elite hacker for hire without showing off that you can hijack a computer. Besides, if it got too annoying, I would just hunt Mad Dave down and kill him for wasting my time.

"Hello Scarlet Drake, I've heard a lot about you," an odd genderless voice said.

"Thanks, who the blazes are you?"

"My apologies, I am Hack."

"That's it?"

"Yes."

"That's you cool signature name that you use to conduct business with and impress your clients?"

"Yes," the voice replied. For a genderless neutral voice, it sounded peeved.

"Hack? Not Net Warrior? Or Cyber Assassin? Or Power Lurker?"

"It's just Hack! Simple names work best when you are at the top of the game all right?"

I was unimpressed. "Fine, fine. I've got some work for you, no matter what you name is."

"What do you require?" Hack said.

"I got this computer I can't even open. It's encrypted and who knows what. I can turn it on and that's about it."

"Hmm, ship it to this address, and I'll work on it."

An address appeared on the screen. It was a comfort Bay address. "That's it? What about payment?"

"I'll work on it but you must do me an errand whether or not I succeed in cracking it."

I snorted. "Like Hell. You do the work and then we'll discuss this errand."

Silence.

"I think you might like this errand. I mean, I've read about some of your exploits and umm, some of your life on rec.villiany.gossip."

"What do you mean?"

And Hack told me what she wanted and I had to admit, it was a task to my liking.

I shipped the package off on Saturday and spent a lazy day watching pirated episodes of 'Black Books.' Then I turned around and spent Sunday doing the same thing because that show is the funniest thing I've seen in years.

Monday morning, I took my time and did my errand for Hack. First I went to a trailer park outside of town. I found the right address and had 1stMateBot scan for life signs. When we found none, all five Bots and myself unloaded with our laser rifles till one of us hit something flammable and caused the trailer to explode.

From there we took the 'Lustful Raider' over to a crappy hamburger place called 'Buns and Meat'. Yeah, classy. Actually, it had a grungy charm that I appreciated so I popped in and got some hamburgers. The waitresses inside were dressed in shorts and greasy blouses. I don't which of the waitresses owned the blue Dodge truck outside, but after I got my hamburgers I went outside and looked for the license plate Hack had given us. Then I had CookBot unload with his flamethrower on it till it exploded.

The hamburgers were great.

Finally we drove over to a Videogame World. We caused quite a commotion when me and the crew walked in. Granted, I was in full sexy pirate gear from my thigh high boots down to my skull and crossbones bikini top, so most of the customers thought I was some sort of promotion model. It was the employees who knew I was a real life super-villain.

"We don't carry much cash!" a frightened assistant manager said. I didn't pay much mind to his rank. Aren't they all managers in these kinds of places?

"Just give me a copy of every Pirate oriented game you got and a system to play them on and we'll call it even. And oh yeah, which one of you is Brett?"

A semi-decent looking employee raised his hand. He couldn't stop staring at my chest which was flattering but also explained a lot. I snapped my fingers and every Bot but HelmsBot moved in. Watching four Bots beat down a man was both horrifying and satisfying.

When they were done and HelmsBot had gathered my loot, I called the crew off. Brett was severely beaten but not in permanent damaged. Hack had been specific. I kicked him in a very tender spot to get his attention and then got on one knee to talk to the messy pulp. My voice was low so only he could hear.

"Hannah said this was for running off with that skank waitress. You got two weeks to pay her back for the money you borrowed, and to return or replace her Moby t-shirt. You understand?"

He did.

As I got back into the 'Lustful Raider' and made our getaway, I got to thinking. I might have done today's errands for free. Ex boyfriends need to be scuttled, even if they aren't yours.

Other Thing That Ate All My Time

Batgirl!

When are the bloggers going to do Scarlett Drake? Huh? Huh?

Pirating Ain't Easy

I'm lying, it's incredibly easy. I knocked over a bank truck on Friday and have been a lazy Captain ever since. With no fence to bother with since it was all cash I've been online shopping like a mad woman. It's a good thing that when Paypal banned porn companies they didn't see a reason to ban super-villain outfitting sites like Weapons4U.com, EvilHardWare.com and pinupgirlclothing.com. I bought me a lot of spare parts for the Bots, a few new weapons for myself and some styling boots and a new Captain's hat. After I outfitted myself, I also bought enough liquor to open my bar and even bought the equipment to make my own Rum. In a final act of financial irresponsibility, I bought a big old iron anchor from E-bay that I'm going to hang in my hideout. You got to have the anchor to impress any guests or invaders who show up.

But still, shopping takes only the weekend. I've got a mortal enemy in General Surgeon and I picked up a very valuable computer belonging to one of his henchmen. Considering that the General destroyed my holidays with his deadly Germ Boytoys, I should be working day and night on cracking the encrypted computer notebook and finding out more about my enemy, right?

Nah. Pirating doesn't work that way. On Monday Netflix came in and I spent the day watching Transporter 2. Then I spent the rest of the day reprogramming HelmsBot with new driving stunts and speaking in Jason Statham's voice. Oh yes.

Tuesday I fiddled with the computer notebook for awhile but the encryption was infuriating. So I took a look at the cellphone. To my annoyance, it had a function that erased the phone's memory after every call. That's right, Walker had to put every number in by hand with no speed dial. That is one demanding super villain boss. Frustrated at my lack of progress, I set up a shooting gallery in the hideout and practiced my aim with various weapons. BosunBot played shanty songs he downloaded from various pirate club bands. Yes, they really exist.

Wednesday I deactivated HelmsBot's Jason Statham voice because every time he responded, I wanted to make out with him. I also got in my shipment of weapons and extra Bot parts so I had a lot of new toys to play with. Some of the liquor also started to trickle in and I made sure to quality check every bottle.

I don't remember much else of yesterday.

I'm looking at the computer notebook and I realize I am never going to decrypt it. I am a genius but even I know when I have met my match. Mad Dave said he's got a name for me, some super hacker who does work for both heroes and villains. If I let one of my Bots punch him in the face, Mad Dave will give me the contact information. It used to creep me out how much Dave likes getting hurt by robots, but nowadays I look at it as an informant I have to beat up but never really tries to escape. I'll swing by his shop this afternoon and do what needs to be done. I've given General Surgeon a week off, it's time I got back on his trail.

Robbery on the Highways

Sheer brilliant inspiration struck me Friday. Robbing banks is passe, and not very Pirate like but you know what is? Hitting armored bank trucks while they are in transit. Oh yeah.

I don't know why anyone hasn't thought of this before. The bank trucks take a different route but once BosunBot hacked into their system, we had several routes to choose from. I liked the one where a bank truck was on the interstate. HelmsBot logged the route into his memory and we were off.

Picture it. You're some guard driving a heavily fortified bank van carrying craploads of money. You've been trained in various super-villain methods of robbing. You got the Mindsheild 5000 protective helmet. You're armed with the nastiest guns in existence and been told to shoot first and examine costumed people later. You're itching to to get robbed because you know you're going to be a hero and not crap your pants.

Then, in your rear view mirror, you see the 'Lustful Raider' speeding up to you but it's okay, you're on the interstate and that means you can really speed off. The 'Lustful Raider' is still behind you, barely keeping up but it's cool. It's action movie car chase cool.

That's when the grappling hooks fire from the hidden top mounted cannons.

Hahaha! It was inspiring. Once the hooks punctured the read of the van and six inch thick metal cables connected us, the bank van just drove straight ahead. They couldn't exactly shake us then, and any fancy driving might have caused us to smack into innocent drivers with very eager lawyers. The guards in the van didn't know what to do, which was exactly the hesitation we were looking for.

1stMateBot and BosunBot led the charge. Emerging from the back doors of the 'Lustful Raider', they climbed onto the roof and launched themselves at the bank van. It was exhilarating to sit in the passenger seat and watch robots leaping through the air to land on another car. Next time, I'm going to have to try that for myself.

The Bots landed on the bank truck and ripped the roof off. I watched as they fired several hundred laser shots into whatever resistance must have been in there. I didn't see anything shoot back. Then it was just a matter of having CookBot and CabinBot jump over there to help with the unloading.

Now, I can't imagine what the driver must have been thinking. He's got someone with freaking grappling hooks attached to him, slowing him down to a breezy 70 miles an hour. His buddies in the back are unconscious and a bunch of robots are making multiple trips to loot the raw cash. At this point he might have called it in and is asking for advice. The dispatcher is probably looking in his manual to see if being robbed in transit has any proper responses. Meanwhile, the driver is having to contend with the usual crappy drivers in Comfort Bay traffic. It'd suck to be him.

My Bots took ten minutes to transfer the cash from one van to another. To pass the time, I took potshots at any cars that got too close. You would think that two vans connected by grappling hooks would encourage people to keep their distance but the space between us just caused drivers to want to somehow cut in. Someone in a freaking BMW Mini Cooper actually tried to get under the cables and pass between us. I shoot his rear windshield out to teach him the errors of his ways.

One cute black guy drove along side and was snapping pictures with his camera phone. I rolled down my window and posed for a few dramatic shots. Villains don't really have fans as much as we have enthusiastic witnesses.

Eventually the Bots finished unloading and returned to the 'Lustful Raider'. HelmsBot engaged one of his many escape routines and we managed to make it back to base without even a single police car on our tail.

Here it is Sunday night, and I've got more raw cash than I've ever held onto in years. No need to even fence this junk. I was tempted to hit the strip bars but just the thought of a buff guy still makes me queasy. Oh well, I spent two relaxing days drinking and watching James Bond movies on AMC. Maybe I'll hit the bars next week.

Addition to the Crew

Most of my Bots were dismantled in that the terrible ambush at the Bass Theater. That's okay. A pirate's crew is meant to be expendable. I always back up my Bots' programs and memories before every battle. I keep spare parts on hand so I can rebuild my entire crew in a pinch. This super villain plans ahead.

While I was rebuilding, I noticed the lair had become quite messy. CookBot was cleaning, but I found there is only so many housekeeping subprograms you can cram in one Bot's head. I was also thinking about how out numbered we were the other night. Sure, I can't make a vast army like General Surgeon apparently can, but I afford to add some more firepower. I decide to make another Bot geared more towards domestic duties. I called him CabinBot and adjusted his leg motors so he stands about five inches shorter than the others. He's plucky and eager to vacuum. I'm proud of myself for thinking to make him.

Unfortunately, remaking my dead Bots and adding a new one has drained my spare parts cache. I'll need to add to the cash flow somehow. I don't really have a scheme planned which is pretty bad. I wish I could just go and knock over a bank but seriously, that gets you no respect. When America's Worse Villains puts together a montage of your exploits for their viewers/snitches to watch, you want to really wow them, not have endless pictures of you in a bank.

As you can imagine, coming up with creative crimes can sometimes put pressure on a gal. It's the super villain's equivalent of writer's block. Not only do I want to be flashy, but I also have to keep in mind that heroes might get invovoled, so I need hero-fighting plans ready too. The bank job is starting to look more attractive.

What's worse is that I am tense and needing a break from the hideout but I've devolped a slight phobia. I usually hit the strip clubs to relax, but after my near death experience known also as the month of December, I'm a little gun shy about hanging out with buff young men. Just thinking about bars is making me queasy and a little trigger happy. I'm afraid the first time a hot guy gave me a lapdance, I might shoot him before he infects me with his genetic engineered germ army.

Grrr, I don't know what to do. I've tried revenge, but so far, the computer I stole from Walker's corpse has been resistant to my hacking. I think I can break it in time, but my mind is so scattered right now. My nerves are a little shot and no matter how Rum and Cokes CookBot makes for me, I can't seem to chill out.

I'm going to add a massage program to CabinBot and try to chill.

Ambush Night at the Bass Theater

The Beautiful Bass Theater is no longer beautiful but due to it's location near the docks, does smell a lot like bass. It's a relic of an earlier time when movies were huge and they had to have one screen only to capture it all. Not it's just a run down derelict that Comfort bay never seems to clean up. The garbage let me know that the homeless and drug addicts still frequent the Bass Theater but I didn't see any tonight. Even the homeless have a sixth sense when it comes to big time super fights.

I got to the theater at 7:30 cause I like to have plenty of time to set up an ambush. BosunBot was stationed in the projector room so he can have survey the entire theater. CookBot was hidden behind a filthy curtain that covered the right wall. 1stMateBot was stationed in the rafters, ready to shoot or drop down as needed. I was hidden in the middle row, sitting on the floor waiting to spring up and shoot the General Surgeon. HelmsBot was outside, sitting in the 'Lustful Raider' ready to drive us safely away if need be. I debated having him in the theater where we could use the extra firepower but in the end I decided an escape vehicle would be best.

That decision saved my life.

So Harry comes in around 8:30. I was stunned. A thug who shows up early? General Surgeon must run a tight ship.

"Hey, anyone here?" he asked. His voice echoed in the lonely theater. He had a flashlight and he was swinging it around. I debated shooting him now and cleaning the body. That's when a voice anwsered.

"I'm here, Harry," Walker replied. I peeked through the seats to see a very tall man stand up in the front row. He had his own flashlight but it was hooked to his head like a miner's cap. No, he didn't wear a cap, he actually had a flashlight beaming out of his forehead. My telescopic bionic eye snapped multiple pictures for later analysis. My pictures weren't so great. He was wearing a black trenchcoat that went out of style two years right after the first matrix sequel.

"Did you bring the cure?" Harry asked.

"You can say that," Walker said. "General surgeon wants this problem handled tonight."

Walker then threw off his trenchcoat and Harry screamed. I was just cussing. Walker stood to his full height of eight feet tall and a second pair of arms came out. Each hand carried a knife or other sharp surgical tool. One hand snapped out and slit Harry in a rather disturbing way. Not that he cut him open, but how freaking fast it was.

"Your turn now, Scarlett Drake," Walker said.

I stood up to say something witty, but the multiple moans around me silenced me. In through the exits came columns of slow walking men in black leather. They were all groaining in pain but their sheer numbers was terrifying. My eye zoomed in on one and I saw that their hands had been heavily modified into sycthes and ax heads. Their lips had been stitched shut and their eyes replaced with something multifacted like a fly's eyes. They were slow moving but the column of freaks didn't seem to be ending anytime soon.

"General Surgeon wants you to know that when you die, he plans to add your head to his wall of trophies."

That should have been my line! That's okay, I had a better one planned. I was about to say it when someone came crashing through the roof. Walker and I watched as someone flipped through the air and landed on their feet. Walker's flashlight illuminated a muscular black woman clad in blue spandex with a big yellow fist emblazoned on her chest. The Choice?

"I heard you kill Harry, Scarlet Drake," the Choice said. Damn, when she spoke, you can tell she meant it. "Your terror ends here! Wait, who are these people?"

Honestly, this was too much to process anymore. "Bot Crew, kill them all!"

I opened fire with my pulse rifle at Walker. Choice dodged away from my laser fire even though I wasn't aiming for her. My laser hit Walker square in the chest but I couldn't fire a follow up shot because Choice was five feet away from me and launching herself in the air for one of her devastating martial arts kicks. I jumped over a row of seats to avoid her and felt her foot knock off my hat. Then I heard the loud CLANG of 1stMateBot dropping down on top of Choice. The two went down to the ground and I ran down an aisle to get as far away from that melee as possible.

BosunBot was laying down nasty cover fire from the projectionist's room. Lasers ripped right into the strange leather minions but of course they kept coming. I had a feeling that the zombie vibe I was getting from them was intentional. BosunBot came to a smiliar conclusion and aimed lower. Once his lasers shots began kneecapping them, they slowed down considierbly.

CookBot had launched himself at a group of leather freaks and was doing quite well. His Ginsu claws ripped, sliced and diced with the occasional laser shot to the head for good measure. I knew he needed support but curses, we all did.

Walker had apparently recovered as he was charging up the aisle at me. My first rifle shot tore through one of his four elbows while the second shot blew out the light coming out of his forehead. before I could fire a third shot, Walker was on me and bringing three arms carrying sharp objects down on me. He cut my right arm and sliced through the leather on my pant leg. I smacked him with my rifle but and heard the satisfying crunch of teeth. He spit his teeth at me and grinned. His mouth was about six inches wider than it should be. Walker was letting me know he had teeth to spare.

"you are a minor infection overdue for removal," he said.

I drove my rifle but into his head again. Sure, I wish I had a snappy comeback but I was in the Captain Zone. It was fight time. Plenty of time for bragging when the looting is done.

I dropped my laser rifle and activated my Laser Cutlass. The mechanism is in my glove so there was no need to draw it. A red line of sizzling death sliced through Walker's top right arm and lopped it right off. Walker's eyes widened in shock and he actually took a step back.

That's when Choice hit me in the back of the head. Stars exploded in front of me as I dropped to my knees. I felt the black fade of concious and I fought it with every once of willpower. When that wasn't enough, I typed a quick command on my wrist communicator to my microscopic BarnacleBots that i still had in me. Adrenaline, now.

As i cam back to conciousness,I saw Choice battling it out with Walker. He was down to two arms but still putting up a heck of a fight. I didn't understand it. Walker was some sort of altered super-freak and Choice was just a black chick with shiny spandex and really heavy boots but she was kicking his butt. He was fast, but she was faster. He cut her a dozen times and she just ignored it and fought harder. What drives people like that?

A garbled moan behind me snapped me out of my speculation. The quasi-zombie freaks were right behind me and about dogpile me. I swung my laser cutlass out and bisected one. what fell out looked mostly human and still alive. I tried not to think about it as I chopped down the next five freaks who came up to take his place.

"Crew, report!" I snapped.

"1stmateBot Offline"

"BosunBot Reporting"

"HelmsBot reporting"

"CookBot Offline"

Not good at all.

"HelmsBot prepare for withdrawal, BosunBot, to me!"

I turned around and spared a glance at Choice and Walker. More of those zombie freaks had entered the fray and they were literally throwing themselves at the Choice. She fought them hard but their weight and numbers brought her down. Walker took a moment to lean against a seat and catch his breath. He only had one arm now.

BosunBot's laser fire cut into the group I was fighting. The freaks seemed a bit confused at being attacked from both angles. I made a hasty decision.

"BosunBot, engage these dogs in melee."

With three hundred pounds of metal crashing into them, the freaks couldn't spare any more attention on me. I snatached up my laser rifle and ran towards Walker. He barely had time to look up as I squeezed off a flurry of random wild shots. Most of them missed of course, but the three that hit his chest and the one that caught him right under the chin was enough to do the deed. His head popped off and I doubt even General Surgeon could fix that.

I kept running and passed the snarling pile of zombie freaks. Under there somewhere was Choice. She was either dead, or really making them pay for every cut.

I found what I was looking for; Walker's black coat. The pockets were loaded with a wallet, a cellphone, some sort of small computer notebook and for some reason, a bunch of knuckle bones. I took everything and looked for BosunBot.

The big lug was in a dozen pieces, but his enemies were in a whole lot more.

Curses. I still had HelmsBot outside but I didn't think he could fight his way in and get me. I knewI certainly couldn't fight my way through the freaks that were left. sometimes, a Captain has to make the really hard decisions. or in this case, a very hard choice.

"Off you stinky dogs, off!" I yelled as I chopped through the pile of zombies trying to kill Choice. Laser rifle shots through the head at point blank range worked wonders. They were so focused on the heroine underneath, they barely noticed me peeling them off from above.

The Choice emerged with a defiant yell and a punch right through a freak's chest. I guess she figured they didn't count as people. I shot a freak before offering my hand to her. She looked at me in distrust and lifted her own self up. Then she saw the numbers of freaks left.

"These belong to General Surgeon, a real bastard I've been trying to find and kill," I said.

She said nothing.

"if we work together, we might actually get out of here alive."

The Choicee nodded. "And then you're going to jail."

"How about I promise to never attack another hospital again?"

"Justice doesn't make deals," she said.

The zombie freaks got closer.

"Your choice, Choice."

Her eyes narrowed under that domino mask of hers. "If you ever attack a hospital again, I'll break both your legs before I arrest you."

I snorted. The zombies moaned. My laser rifle hummed.

"You got a deal."

We charged. It wasn't pretty but we did it. Choice kicked, punched and kept pushing. I shot, swung and kept moving. I don't know where General Surgeon gets so many of these freaks but we thinned their numbers. It was exhausting work, not to mention grisly. Choice and I covered each other's backs and made our way out of that theater of the damned.

Outside, the freaks seemed reluctant to follow us. Choice looked at me and looked at the 'Lustful Raider'. I was so tired, if she did decide to arrest me, I might let her and make my escape after a long sleep.

"I'll need to stay here and call the police. We'll have to make sure none of those monsters get out and into the neighborhood," she said.

I waved my hand. "You do that."

I fell into the van and HelmsBot drove off. Well, I lost three Bots but I had pockets full of clues to sort through. Not bad for an ambush that turned into an ambush that was interrupted by an ambush.

Den of Stupidity

There's a bar in Comfort bay that does very little advertising. Customers who wonder in usually turn right back around once they see the clientale. Big burly men with sore attitudes, grim faces and more scars than can be easily identified glower and lurk at their tables. There's no music and no jukebox. A lone TV operates over the bar and it's always turned to sports. TRhere is an air of futility over the place, almost like the day after Christams when you realize that the holidays came and went and your haul was not nearly as big as when it was still wrapped under the tree. It's called the 'Sucker Punch' and on any given day, there's always someone willing to give you a demonstration.

It's a bar that caters to henchmen that work for super-villains. Not the cool henchmen like I was. No, these are thugs, kidnappers, guards and oyher non-powered cannon fodder. Scum who couldn't clean up enough to get jobs as garbage men. These guys spend their money on whores and X-boxes and then come slinking into here to bum a drink off whatever loser just got back from a bank heist and was given scraps by his super-villain boss.

I walked into the bar and surveyed them all with cold disdain. I had my Blastket tucked roguishly in my belt and 1stMateBot was standing behind me with his one good optical sensor glowing red. Conversation stopped as these liqour soaked brains realized I wasn't here on a recruiting drive.

"My name is Scarlett Drake and I need some information."

The bartender picked up some sort of nasty machine gun from behind the counter. The thing looked heavily modified and for some reason was shooting steam from a nozzle. No telling what super-villain it came from.

"My name is Rip, and I don't give a shit what you need. This is neutral ground. No super-villains are allowed to start any trouble."

"Oh yes, I've heard of that," I said. "It's pretty clever. If a super-villain starts trouble, you put the word out to not work for them. You boycott their schemes and before they know it, they have to drive their own getaway car and beat up their own bank tellers. I admire your spirit."

"But boys, I don't use you punks. I have an all robot crew and if I don't get some information right now, 1stMateBot here is going to let loose with his rapid fire laser cannon. Do you see my point of view now?"

"Oh man, it wasn't me!" one unlucky punk screamed. His companions helpfully scattered from the table he was sitting at. I walked over to him and took out my Blastket. Rip didn't make a move. Wow, no loyalty for customers I guess.

"It wasn't you what?" I demanded.

"I didn't tell Choice nothing! I don't even know where your base is!"

What the? I made a big show of cocking my Blastket and pointed it at his crotch. "Start from the beginning. When did the Choice ask you where I lived?"

"Last night! Me and my friends were standing around doing nothing when choice runs up to Sal and just kicks him in the back! Then she punched Paulie in the chest and cracked something and then grabbed me by the hair and rammed my head in the concrete. Then she started asking me questions. Wanted to know all about you, and where your base was and why were you attacking hospitals. I didn't tell her anything! And she was really mad too but I kept quiet!"

I pistol whipped him with my Blastket. "Because you didn't know anything you yellow dog!" Crap, Choice? I've seen her. Six feet tall black amazon with a social streak. She's like a female Shaft and she's ticked off at me. I must have hit her boyfriend at one of those hospitals or something. That is an extra complication.

"You got what you want, now git!" Rip said to me.

I snorted. "That's not what I needed. My issue is with General Surgeon."

The quiet bar got quieter.

"General Surgeon gave me a little gift and I need to talk to him about the antidote. Now, someone with the name of General most likely isn't a loner. One of you landlubbers has to have worked for him and I just want an address. Tell me where he is and I'll settle this myself."

More silence. Not unexpected. A guy who doses me up with sentient germs and doesn't kill me outright is a sadistic type. That kind of methodology is going to be more fearsome than a techno-pirate. I planned for that.

"Fine," I sighed and touched a button on my skull belt buckle. Two sprayers emerged from 1stMateBot and hosed the entire bar in a fine mist. The terror was instant, even the bartender ducked under the bar.

"You see, some of the General's infection was left over so I put it in aerosol form. If you bastards won't help me, then you can die of the same thing infecting me."

And with that, I turned around and strode out. I've been practicing my walk so I hope it came across as a sexy stomping out by a super-villain. Yeah, they're low life henchmen, but the reputation is still important.

Outside the 'Lustful Raider' was waiting. I climbed in and demanded a status report from BosunBot.

"Running CrowsNest Program. Monitoring Thirty cellphone calls from within Target location."

I smiled and looked at the bar. "filter and search for keyword, Antidote."

"Found one call," BosunBot reported. "Playing now."

"Walker, this is Harry, you got to help me."

"Harry, this had better be important."

"It is, that crazy bitch Scarlett Drake just sprayed me with whatever General Surgeon hit her with. She was looking for the antidote. You got to give it me man!"

"Did you tell her anything?"

"No man, I know better than that! I just need the antidote. I don't want to die. I've seen how he kills people."

Long sigh. I know that sigh. It's the sigh of cleaning something up.

"Come to the old Bass theater and I'll hook you up," Walker said. "Don't come by till 9."

"Thanks man, you're a life saver! No need to tell the General this right?"

"No Harry, it's cool."

Click.

This is why I use Robots and not human crew. Harry got hit with some misted Avian water and he ran straight to his contact for General Surgeon. If Harry actually shows up at the Bass theater, he's a dead man. It was obvious that Walker was going to kill him. Are human henchmen just that stupid? How do villains get anything accomplished? I guess that's why super-villains don't rule the world.

It all works for me. I rather interrogate Walker since he is more likely to know something useful. Of course, if I'm really lucky, General Surgeon will be there himself. Ha! My first super-villain turf war is going to rock.

Back at the Wheel Again

I tell you, nearly being killed by an engineered infection really encourages one to be lazy. I was feeling better around New Year's Eve but I wasn't exactly motivated to get off my booty and do anything. I sat around the hideout and watched some movies that HelmsBot pirated off the Internet. Sin City rocks. It really put me in a vengence kind of mood without requiring me to actually get up and commit some vengence.

After a few days of recovering my strength, I took a look outside and was blinded by the sunlight. It's as cold as a wet penguin outside, but the sun was out and practically taunting me to go out and be evil. The only problem was, what should I do? I could have gone out and tried to find General Surgeon, but that kind of work is low in villiany. I also didn't want to do anything too big as I refuse to do any sort of grand scheme without adequate planning. The crime needed to be simple yet fun. I wanted to prove to the world I was still alive. More importantly, I wanted to prove it myself.

That's why me and my loyal crew of Bots loaded into the 'Lustful Raider' and headed out armed with nothing but a bunch of maps printed off of Mapquest. When we got near our destination, 1stMateBot climbed outside the still moving van and scampered onto the top. He secured himself while we drove by Sprouse Memorial Hospital. when we got in range, 1stMateBot let loose with a terrific barrage of laser shots at the hospital. Windows were smashed, people screamed and sick people dived for cover. I leaned out the window with my laser rifle and picked off a paramedic with a stun beam. We shot the hospital up and HelmsBot drove off, skillfully navigating our way out of there and loosing the cops.

I know, doing a drive by shooting of a hospital is crude, pointless and just plain mean. But I have to tell you, it was FUN! Hospitals don't normally get shot at, so most of the people have no idea what to do. Besides, it's just stun beams, so it's not like we killed anyone. Well, not directly. Hopefully that paramedic I stunned isn't needed anywhere important.

We hit Hughes General Hospital, Eisner University Hospital and Comfort Bay Baptist Hospital in our little tour of terror. HelmsBot ran an ambulance off the road while 1stMateBot, without my prompting, launched a grenade at the modern art sculpture outside Eisner. Shrapnel went flying everywhere though the only casualty appeared to be the shrubs surrounding the sculpture.

The police were a bit upset with us. After we hit Baptist, we had two police copters trying to tail us. BosunBot was ready for them. He opened the back doors of the fan and aimed what appeared to them to be one Huge Nasty Gun. The copters veered off like I expected. BosunBot fired the Smoke Cannon and BLAM, instant downtown Smog. To get that authentic pirate smell, I laced the fog with a gunpowder like additive that stinks like gunpowder but is non-flamable. Within minutes we had the downtown area choking and the police copters baffled.

We got home in time to catch the news coverage. The crackerjack reporters identified me as the main suspect though everyone was confused as to why I would do such a thing. Shooting hospitals without stopping to loot anything was keeping the super-villain pundits babbling for hours. Of course there were plenty of terrified eyewitness accounts who told heartbreaking stories of how they were at the hospital to visit loved ones and ended up catching a stun bolt through the chest. The mayor came on and branded me a Terrorist, which is a new one for me. That's going into the clip files.

I sat there in my recliner as CookBot poured me a rum and coke. Somewhere out there, general Surgeon is watching the news too. He saw me hit a bunch of hospitals with little rhyme or reason but plenty of carnage. He knew I was alive, and he saw that I am more than willing to attack more people than I need to send him a message. He either thinks I'm an idiot, or he's afraid that I invest in overkill. Either works to my favor.

Plus, shooting hospitals was more fun than I imagined. I feel like my old self again.