Alias Found

I've been teaching Angela the finer points of being a member of my crew. This morning I gave her shooting lessons with a laser pistol and rifle. After lunch I taught her some of the simpler techniques for keeping the Bots maintained as well as showing her how to rebuild BosunBot. She's a fast learner but her mind isn't into it. She's far more concerned with coming up with her villain name.

"How about LookOut Girl?" she would ask.

"No," I would grunt and then try to show her where to plug in the laser arm.

"What about a sexy name like, Dread Pirate Sabrina?"

I glared at her. "No, because in the middle of combat I don't want to have to yell, Hey Dread Pirate Sabrina, shoot that guard!'"

"How about Crossbones? That sounds evil."

"No."

"Jolly Regina?"

"No."

"Patches?"

I stopped working on BosunBot and looked at her. "Patches? Are you a villain or a pet cat? Look, quit thinking about your name. You're not a super villain, you're a member of my crew. Once we figure out what you are good for, you'll have a name. Like HelmsBot, he drives the van, he's the helmsman. See how easy that is?

Angela frowned. "You already got the key positions covered. You got a First mate, and a Helmsman and-"

"You know what, I'm tired of the whining. why don't you go do to the corner store and restock our soda and potato chips. It'll give me the peace and quiet to rebuild my crew."

Angela stood up and reached for the petty cash chest. "Do they got a name for the person who does all the shopping?"

"Quartermaster," I said. I respond to pirate lore questions pretty much on automatic.

"Really? she said. "I love it! I can be the Quarter Mistress! I'll be in charge of buying the food, the gas, the clothes and everything else we need. This is going to be awesome! Quarter Mistress!"

I've never seen someone so happy to be assigned to do all the shopping.

Lost My Freaking Mind

It has been a strange journey back to my secret lair. It's Sunday and it's hard for me to believe I raided Perpetual Laboratories just two days ago. It feels like it was years ago.

Friday night, I was in a wooded area in the middle of nowhere. I couldn't see anything in the dark and I made a note to upgrade my bionic eye to lowlight circumstances. It was cold, slightly damp and unforgiving. I wrapped myself as best i could with my cape and tried to go to sleep. I was too afraid to start a fire as I had no idea how long the police would keep looking for me.

Saturday morning, I awoke to the sounds of laser fire. I stood up and reached for my laser rifle before remembering that Frost Sting had broken it beyond repair. 1stMateBot's arm was raised in the direction of the trees, but I couldn't see what he was shooting at.

"I give up!" someone yelled.

"Come out then and surrender!" I yelled back. "Crew, stand down!"

A teenage girl came out from behind a tree. She had a backpack with her and more importantly, a really warm looking coat. The girl herself was a little pudgy with mousy brown hair pulled back into an unattractive ponytail. She had a pug nose but what caught my notice were her eyes. Her brow was furrowed and she was staring at my Bots and making a thousand deductions.

"You're that super-villain, Scarlett Drake, right?"

Oh crap. I'm going to have to shoot a teenager first thing this morning.

"Yes, I am," I said as I casually yawned, stretched and moved towards my Blastket.

"Really? That is so cool! what are you doing out here?"

My hand froze halfway to my weapon. This was unexpected.

"I shouldn't tell you this, but I am currently trying to make it back to my lair after pulling off a robbery. My getaway vehicle was destroyed and I am on foot." I shouldn't have told her that, but I was acting on a hunch. I think I had me a villain fan.

"That's right! I heard about you on the news last night!" she said. "Everyone is out looking for you! You're my favorite villain!"

I stood up straighter. "Your favorite villain? So you read my blog?"

"You have a blog?"

I sighed. No one reads the damn thing. She didn't notice my sigh, she was babbling with excitement.

"I can't believe my favorite villain is standing here right in my hideout."

I looked around. Nope, it was still woods. Oh great, she wasn't a fan, she was delusional.

"Hideout?"

"Yeah, this is where I go to get away from my family," she said. "I come out here and read, listen to music and avoid my annoying sister. The trailer park is about half a mile from here, but you can't see it through all the trees. Hey, do you smell potato chips?"

I frowned. "Yes, but I am currently without rations."

"Well I got some strawberry Poptarts in my bag if you want some."

I ate her entire box and never have processed strawberry-like food ever tasted so good. They were the Poptarts with the icing which a bonus treat. The girl, who's name was Angela, also had two bottles of Mountain Dew which I consumed as well. It was a poor breakfast for a Captain but an excellent one for a starving villain.

The girl talked while I ate and I was too hungry to care. She had an older sister who she shared a room with in a trailer. Their parents also lived with them and they worked at various factories. Angela's sister must have inherited the looks in the family because her parents let her get away with anything and were trying to get her into American Idol. Gods, it was all boring family drama crap.

"Look, I'm a super-villain; don't you have any questions to ask me or something?"

Anglea blinked. "Oh yeah. Why are you doing this pirate gimmick? I mean, I like it and all, but why pick that?"

I took another swig of Mountain Dew. "Because Pirates make up their own rules. We take what we need, we destroy any who oppose us and at the end of the day, we are more concerned with living well and being happy than we are with destroying the world or causing mischief. Pirates don't need anything but a good ship, a steady crew and a brave soul. I like being a pirate because I'm free to do what I want and if anyone thinks different, then they are welcome to stop me."

Angela liked that answer. "How much money do you make. I mean, is it a good living?"

I told her how much I made on my last heist. Her jaw dropped. I have to say, it felt good to brag.

"You made all that? Why didn't you go retire?"

"Because I got operating expenses," I said. "I lost two Bots on this job alone. I need to keep my Crew equipped as well as myself. Plus, I have expensive tastes."

"Ohh, you got a secret mansion?"

"Uh, no."

"How about a chest full of jewelry that you parade around in?"

"No."

"A fleet of cars all decked out with DVD players and drink machines?"

I thought of the 'Lustful Raider' and the cooler of soda. "Not quite."

"Then what do you spend your money on?"

"Well, uhh, partying. Men and liquor can run your money out pretty fast."

Angela's eyes lit up. "Men? You mean, like gigolos?"

"Of course not," I snapped. "I never pay for my men. I just tip them a lot for a service well done. Wait a minute, how old are you? What do you know about buying men?"

"I'm sixteen," Angela said. "And I've got the Internet. I can tell you all sorts of things about the sex industry."

I stood up. "Okay, this is creeping me out. I may be a super villain but I am not discussing my sex life with a teenager. You've done me a great service but I should really head out."

"And do what? Angela asked. "Hitch a ride with your robots? Or are you going to carjack a bus?"

I growled. "Well what do you recommend I do? I was going to stick to the trees till it got dark."

"My neighbor's got one of those creepy vans," she said. "You know, the kind with the mattress and no seats. Steve keeps trying to invite me for rides."

Some strange anger surged in me. "And how old is your neighbor?"

"He's thirty something, really old."

That strange anger swelled even higher. "Oh, we're taking it then. Is Steve home?"

"It's a Sunday, I'm sure he is."

"Excellent. Crew, stay here and defend yourselves. Show me the way, Angela."

She looked at me and my long black cape, leather pants, bustier and Captain's hat.

"Don't you think you'll stand out?

I snorted. "If anyone sees me, they'll just think Steve hired me."

"I don't understand," she said.

"Good, the Internet hasn't totally corrupted you."

Angela led the way to the trailer park. Blackbeard's beard, how do people live like this? Tiny little trailers with too much lawn furniture. It was depressing. Not quite houses in square not quite real lots all trying to pretend to be normal. I've been poor, and I understand the need to grab a slice of normality but to me the trailer park looked like a bunch of row boats with delusions of being galleons.

"Why do you want to see Steve? Wouldn't it be easier to just steal his van?"

"Not really," I said. "I don't know how to hotwire a car, so just grabbing his keys will help."

"You build robots and laser guns but you can't hotwire a van?"

"Which would you rather know how to do? Van stealing or making your own robots?"

"All right, good point."

I knocked on Steve's door. A half naked guy answered the door with a very crappy goatee. He had a beer in one hand even though it was only around 8 in the morning. It just goes to show that some people think living in a trailer park requires a certain lifestyle.

"Holy! I don't think I ordered you darling!"

"Told you," I said to Angela. Then I slammed my fist into Steve's face. "Stay outside girl, this is super villain work."

I beat the crap out of Steve. He asked me why I was doing it but I didn't really explain myself. I wasn't really sure myself. Maybe I was cranky from sleeping the night in the woods. Maybe I was annoyed that this girl had to live next door to a punk who kept hitting on her. You know, maybe I didn't need a reason. Maybe some jerks can be beaten up without a reason. I know I felt better afterwards. I bet you one thing though, when he wakes back up again, I bet he'll have a few good ideas about why he got the crap kicked out of him and maybe he'll even fix it.

I came out with the keys and feeling of doing something worthwhile.

"You've been a big help, Angela," I said. "When I get back to my lair, I'll mail you some cash as a reward. How does a thousand dollars sound?"

Angela, who had been smiling, stopped doing so and seemed a little deflated. What? Was she expecting more? Greedy runt, but I can respect that.

"Actually, I was hoping you would take me with you."

Now it was my turn to frown. "Do I look like Batman? You're an underage kid with no villain experience, why would I take you with me? I'm already wanted for assualt, robbery, theft and the occasional murder. Why would I want to add kidnapping?"

"Because I'm just like you!" she said. "I mean, yeah, I don't have robots or weapons, but I want to! I want to live free on just my wits and courage! I'm tired of doing what my parents tell me and I'm tired of being bossed around by my sister just because she's pretty and dumb as a rock. I want to be a super villain and do what I want to do for a change!"

I got into Steve's van. It smelled of beer and chili dogs. Angela stood by the window and looked up at me with sad dolphin eyes.

"Look, I hate to sound like a public service message, but being a super villain isn't easy. I missed Christmas because some jerk tried to poison me. I can't keep a boyfriend and I almost lost my lips to frostbite due to a hero. It isn't an easy life at all."

Angela looked at the trailer where she lives and looked back at me.

"At least it's a life! What do I have to look forward to? I've got two more years of high school learning stupid stuff with stupid people. I'm not smart enough to get a scholarship for college and I'm not dumb enough to marry some guy just to get out of my parent's trailer. Best I can hope for is work in a factory and hope I only have to work ten hours a day and not lose any fingers. Your life sounds hard, sure, but at least you're in charge of it. If it sucks, it's your fault."

Crap, I can see her point. I may be a super villain, but she was appealing to me as a fellow smart girl in a dumb world. It just wouldn't work though.

"Angela, you're a good kid and I feel for you, but you're too young. when you turn 18, I'll give you a shot, how about that?"

"Too young? By whose standards? I thought pirates made their own rules?"

I thought about it.

"Go into your place and take whatever will fit into your backpack. Pirates live fast and start small. If it won't fit, you're not taking it with you."

Angela's eyes lit up and for one brief moment she was a pretty girl. Then she got smart. "You're not going to drive off without me are you?"

I laughed. "First rule, never accuse your Captain of lying. Go pack and get out here. You get ten minutes."

It took her seven. When she got into the van, I tore off and sent a signal to the Bots to rendezvous with me at the side of the road. Angela was excited to be running off to a life of crime and I had to admit her excitement was infectious.

"What's my job title?" she asked.

"I don't know yet," I said.

"Can I be the First Mate?"

"Nope, got a 1stMateBot already."

"What about an Ensign?"

"This isn't Star Trek."

"I don't want to be a Cabin Girl."

I shuddered. "No, that would definitely not be good."

So here I am back at the lair setting up a hammock for Angela's room. The lair is pretty large is setting some space aside for her room was easy. It's weird to have another living human in the lair but you know, I think I'm overdue. If I am going to be a real super villain mastermind, I need to have some actual people to boss around. She doesn't have any powers or anything but who knows? She might develop mutant powers or get bit by something radioactive. it could happen.

I haven't taken a look at the force field generator yet but I can wait. Right now I'm having too much fun making breaking Angela into the super villain lifestyle. We've already rigged her up a spare Blastket and later we're going shopping for a pair of pirate boots that'll fit her. We don't have a code name for her yet, but today we plan on watching a marathon of pirate movies to get some ideas. It's like having a cousin or long lost sister around.

Captain Morgan's boots! Is this my version of a mid life crisis?

Raid Interrupted

The problem with stealing a snack truck is even after you empty it, even after you air it out for two hours and even after ten air fresheners, the inside of the truck still smells like crappy potato chips.

The truck jacking went off without a hitch. I had to drive it because guards weren’t about to let a robot drive a vehicle onto the Perpetual Laboratories grounds. That mean I had to wear sunglasses to hide my robotic eye but hey, the guard was still flirting with me. Oh yeah, I have it. Men can just recognize the power of a confidant woman.

The guard gave me directions and I took the truck to the loading bay. The guard also gave me directions to the snack room, but I think I’ll save that info for on the way out. I might need an awful lukewarm coffee after snatching the force field.

There were only two guys in the loading dock when I pulled in. The Bots sprang out of the back of the van like they couldn’t wait to kill every thing. Which they can’t. I just wish there were more than two guys there to witness that awesome deployment. The Bots’ targeting functions zoomed in on them and shot them about a hundred times with the stun bolts, a hundred from each Bot. Those guys will be lucky to remember where they work much less this night.

Once we got past the loading area, it became a much richer target environment. The Bots shot scientists, janitors and a garbage can that fell over. It did my pirate heart proud to see my crew ripping into such a helpless area. People went down and they went down fast. I didn’t even need to fire my rifle. I did stop to take a stunned man’s rolex but I didn’t have to shoot him first. My Bots were tight.

The lovely thing about laboratories and science companies in general, is that they were designed with geeks in mind. I mean, they spell everything out because they know the geniuses that work there haven’t mastered basic people skills like asking for directions. So if I get lost, I just look for a map on a wall. There’s arrows painted everywhere. You’d have to be a dumb ass super hero to not know your way around.

The lab itself put up more of a fight. The Bots had to shoot some actual armed guards but it was just an extra ten seconds of fighting. The security doors took longer to blast through. Come on high tech research companies, invest in some real security. You almost had me thinking they didn’t have anything worth guarding.

More worrisome was the message I got from HelmsBot back at the truck.

“Captain! Emergency! Emergency! Under attack by known BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ”

What the? Under attack? Police must have shown up but hey, the Bots weren’t made to fight alone. We’ll swing by after we get the force field generator and mop up.

“You stay away, or I’ll blow us all up!”

That was what a brave scientist proudly yelled at us when we entered the inner lab. He had the force field generator in one hand, and a bunch of strapped together cylinders in the other. The ‘bomb’ was leaking steam, which was bothersome but not really bomblike.

“A bomb?” I said. “You made a bomb in the time it took for us to get here? Why don’t I believe you? Put down the force field generator and step away so we can stun you. I promise, I think it doesn’t hurt.”

“Stay back! I’m serious!” he shouted. “I got more degrees than you got peg legs! I can blow us all to the moon if you get any closer!”

I thought about it, and then 1stMateBot shot the guy. The Bot’s targeting programs don’t handle threats of mutual destruction well. The scientist got blasted and the ‘bomb’ fell out of his hands. There was no way that he could have actually made a bomb. I still dived for cover behind BosunBot anyway. No need to take chances.

It didn’t explode.

I got back up and walked over to the brave stupid scientist. He still had the force field generator in his hand. That was when something occurred to me. Why didn’t he use the force field? This did not bode well.

The trip back was shorter cause well, less people to shoot. We moved fast with the generator safely in my belt pocket. I didn’t hear sirens but maybe that just meant the police were getting smarter and not letting me know they were coming.

Gods I wish I was that lucky.

We walked into the loading bay and I saw the Hungry Monkey Snacks truck encased in ice. I sighed. Frost Sting? Already? How the hell did she get here so fast? Does she freaking work here in her secret identity?

CabinBot got frozen solid and I mean solid. We’re talking two feet of ice solid. I didn’t know where she was hitting us from, so I ordered the crew to take cover. Within seconds of my order, ice formed over the entire floor from where we were standing to every exit. Bots went sliding all over the freaking place and I feel flat on my bottom. I, Scarlett Drake, fell flat on my ass. It was on now.

“Come out and fight like a hero!” I yelled. I also gave a sub vocal command to my Bots.

Frost Sting’s response was to encase CabinBot in ice. This time however, the slide slid off of him as quickly as it formed. It lifted my spirits right back up.

“Give that tactic up,” I yelled. “Right now every Bot is over clocking their power supplies. They might burn out, but you’ll long be under the ground. Come out now an- Holy crap!”

Frost Sting leaped out from behind another truck with that freaking ice sword again. The ice sword sheared off CookBot’s chainsaw hand and I was instantly regretting turning off their chainsaw combat programs. Cripes. 1stMateBot had a clear shot at her but slipped on a icy patch and shot the crap out of an overhead light. CabinBot almost shot her but a wall of ice blocked his barrage of lasers. Anne Bonny’s curves! I forgot how fast she was!

Speaking of curves, how does she look so good in blue spandex? It’s so unfair! I mean, it’s a head to toe spandex costume with her short perfectly cut blonde hair poking up. Okay, her mouth was open but no one’s looking at her lips. They are looking at her chest, her hips and her legs. Even the white frost on her gloves and boots just make her look sexy. I bet she never has a stylist mess up her hair.

With ice on the floor I didn’t bother to stand. I got up on my knees and fired my laser rifle at her in full auto. The shots never made it to her. She put up another ice wall and soaked all my blasts. CookBot was still on his feet and swung at her with his one remaining arm. He missed her and took an icy blast to the face. The overclocked engine kept him running though but he was blind as a bat.

“I was ready for you this time, Drake,” Frost Sting yelled. Before I could give a snappy comeback, snow swept in around me. She had dropped a freaking blizzard on us and my lips were starting to chap. Luckily I had gloves or else I might have lost a few fingers.

“You’re one trick, and I’ve already seen it,” I spat out. Which was true, but I hadn’t really worked out any strategies for dealing with her. I beat her so easily last time that I didn’t give her much thought. Maybe General Surgeon was right, maybe I am making my enemies too tough. Screw it, I’m smart enough to come up with something on the fly.

Frost Sting took to the air and threw a large chunk of ice at 1stMateBot. He went down under the avalanche but I had faith he wasn’t out. The hero then made a cage of ice around CookBot and CabinBot that their lasers barely chipped away at. I gave them a command to use their chainsaws and they got right to work but it was going take them awhile. Frost Sting did exactly what she wanted; she isolated them from me.

“You ready to fight one on one?” I said. I was still on my knees, trying to see through the blizzard. Her pale blue costume blended right with the snow.

“You bet,” she said and I jumped. She was right on top of me! I barely had time to dodge that ice sword before she skewered me. It was a clumsy dodge, straight back onto the ice. She brought the sword down and I had to use my rifle to block it. The sword chopped deep into my rifle and I knew she had snapped the barrel.

“It’s over, Drake,” she said. Floating above, with a blizzard in full storm around us, she certainly had the advantage. I almost believed her.

I swung at her and in mid swing, I turned on my weapon of last resort, my Laser Cutlass. The energy rippled out and pierced deep into her costume. Frost Sting screamed and the blizzard shut off instantly. The ice melted under me and I scrambled to my feet. She flew back a few feet and nailed me with a savage barrage of chunks of ice that gave me a black eye. I hit the ground but kept my Laser Cutlass in front of me.

The chunks of ice kept hitting me. Harder and harder they flew and I just kept my sword up and tried to block some. I debated using the force field generator but I didn’t know how to even turn it on. Screw it, if she wanted it, she was going to have to pry it off my dead body.

The barrage stopped and I looked up. My Bots were free! They were shooting at Frost Sting with all they had. She tried making another ice wall but it wasn’t as strong as it usually was. The shots tore right through and nailed her a few times but she still wouldn’t go down.

Finally one shot nailed the side that I had cut and she screamed in terrible pain. I was about to ask for her surrender when she cursed, and flew away much faster than I would have thought possible. She blasted right through one of the loading doors and escaped. I was pissed she had got away but also relieved that I won out.

That relief turned sour fast. Although her blizzard and icy floor had melted when Frost Sting got hurt, most of her other ice formations were still here. BosunBot was still frozen solid and a total lost. Not only did she encase my snack truck, but she also froze solid all the other trucks to hamper my getaway. HelmsBot was a slid block of ice somewhere under all that as well.

That left me with 1stMateBot, CabinBot and a one armed CookBot. We were in the industrial sector of Comfort Bay, which meant we were a long way from home with no transportation. It was times like these I wish I could fly or something.

All I could do was order the crew to follow me as we ran outside. Fortunately, factories and labs like to surround themselves with tress to give the impression that they are not killing the environment. That gave us the cover we needed as we made our escape. Police sirens were all around us within the hour as we hoped from one factory’s faux forest to another. I debated stealing a truck or an SUV but I knew I would need something with massive space to house my three Bots. I’ve lost two already, I can’t afford to lose any more.

So this is why I am blogging this transmission from the middle of a freaking forest. It’s dark now, but I keep seeing police cars go by. I’m cold from all the ice attacks and the lovely February weather. I’m hungry and haven’t eaten yet, which is really maddening because I still smell like Hungry Monkey Snacks. I would kill for over priced bag of potato chip crumbs right about now.

The Bots are on stand by mode and I’m going to try to get some sleep now. This force field generator better be freaking worth it.

Monkey Snacks

A cunning plan requires genius, creativity and lots of spying. HelmsBot has been parked outside the Perpetual Laboratories research complex and made a wonderful discovery. They let Hungry Monkey Snacks do all their vending machines.

See, sometimes breaking into companies requires high tech sound suppressors, electronic key scramblers and other stuff Tom Cruise pretends he knows about. That kind of gear is fun if you’re a villain with a knack for breaking and entering, but I’m a pirate. I’m more into the lying and killing. I rather have one clever ruse rather than trying to predict how many sensors I need to bypass or Morgan forbid, try to slink and jump through a grid of lasers like Aeon Flux. I just don’t have the thighs for it.

On the day of the break in, we’re going to do something simple. We’re going to hijack a Hungry Monkey Snacks truck. We’re going to a simple truck jacking, and then empty all the high salt content potato chips and stale cookies back at the lair. We’ll then load the truck up with Bots and literally just drive into the complex. They’ll be expecting crappy snacks to keep them going through the day and instead they will get faces full of lasers.

Once inside the complex, I’m sure we’ll have no trouble finding the personal force field. We’ll just follow the path of most resistance. I think I’ll leave the chainsaws on my Bots. I’m deleting the zombie combat programs that would result in gory decapitations and actually, I’m deleting any real chainsaw combat. I think a running chainsaw will be enough to terrify any foolish guards we run across.

So to sum up my cunning plan, it involves hijacking and then posing as a snack truck. And then we shoot people a lot. All right, this plan is done! I’m off to watch ‘Cutthroat Island’ again.

That Annoying Breathing Issue

This morning I watched Comfort Bay's Janet Baker interview a spokesman for Perpetual Laboratories. The company said they are getting close to perfecting a personal force field. Dynamic had solved that pesky breathing problem that had stopped most force fields from functioning. See, most force fields will stop bullets, lasers, sunlight and sadly, air, making it really hard to breathe. Sure you’re protected, but you can’t see anything and you’ll die of suffocation.

That nosy reporter Janet actually got to wear the prototype. The device was the size of a wrist watch. It gave her a slight red shimmer but apparently didn’t block her vision. The spokesman tossed a baseball at her, which bounced off. He asked her to toss something to her, and to my jaw dropping surprise; her lipstick flew right through her field. Blackbeard’s Cutlass! Not only have they solved the breathing problem, but they also factored in one way defense. It’s a super villain’s dream armor!

The spokesman and Janet talked about how the force field would be great for firemen, police officers and the military but for now, the high cost and rare materials means it will most likely be only available to heads of states, CEO’s and most likely Oprah. He cautioned that the field had a few bugs in it, but they wanted to go ahead and announce their progress. Janet was smart enough to ask if they were doing this to drive up their stock prices. The spokesman declined to answer.

I could give a dead shark about why they were doing it. A personal force field that allows you to attack out of it? Such a device has to be mine! They might not have the bugs worked out, but I’m sure if I got a hold of it, I can reverse engineer the force field and install it. With a force field, I can avoid any more serious injuries. I cn go toe to toe with someone like the Choice without a kick to the back of the head. I can wear skimpier costumes to impress my enemies. Finally, a theft worthy of my powers!

I’m going to be busy for the next couple of days. I got to case Perpetual Laboratories, I have to come up with a plan and install some new programs in the crew. Heck, I might even skip ‘Cowboy Night’ at the Beef Buffet tonight. This is serious super villain work.

Super Villain or Pop Star?

Trust me on this one. Madonna is using mind control technology in her new album. BosuntBot downloaded Confessions on A Dance Floor as part of his usual Grab Everything Music Piracy policy, and I gave it a try. I haven’t enjoyed a Madonna song since True Blue and yet I can’t stop listening to this album.

It has to be mind control technology. I find myself singing ‘Sorry’ in the shower. I sing ‘Forbidden Love’ during commercials. I just programmed the Bots to play the opening music on ‘Hung Up’ JUST BECAUSE.

Well played Madonna. You’re my new super villainess idol.

Duel at the Beef Buffet

This weekend I decided to get back to one of my favorite pastimes- carousing at male strip clubs. Now that I knew General Surgeon wasn’t out there with stealth strippers, I could get back to enjoying the finer things in life. A bottle of over priced champagne, loud 80’s music and boys with rock hard abs; these are the fruits of super villain labor.

I left the Bots at home except for HelmsBot who drove me to the stribclub I had missed most. ‘Beef Buffet’ has the best, most muscular and cutest male strippers. They cater to decadent wealthy women with loose morals. I’ve seen lawyers, daughters of evangelists and political commentators, so they don’t even bat an eye when a super villain comes in. It’s a casual place for evil women.

The reason I haven’t mentioned it before is because I like to keep such a place my own personal secret. Well, no need to keep it a secret because when I walked in Friday night, I saw a woman dancing on stage with a dozen of the strippers. She was dressed pretty trashy, but it was a certain kind of trash. Not many women wear black leather with white skulls decorating every nook and cranny. Her hair was piled high on her head in dark tresses that seemed o move on their own. She was wearing a tight corset that failed to contain her over flowing pale white bosom. Black energy shifted and coiled around her, embracing the strippers she was dry humping on stage. I stared at this witch and realized another super villain had discovered my little secret paradise.

I leaped on stage and the music stopped. The boys kept dancing because well, they ain’t that bright. The woman stopped though and the dark energy that floated around her gathered between us. She looked at me, and then at my clothes and then at my pirate hat and she smiled. It was a condescending smile and I decided that I was really not going to like her.

“You must be Starlett Drake,” she said. “I heard about you, my name is Acantha.”

“It’s SCARlett Drake and wait, did you say you were Acantha? I thought you operated out of New York.”

She smiled and slapped a male dancer on the behind. “I do normally, but the heroes there are getting a little too numerous. Why does every super hero move to New York? I thought I would come down south and pick some of the riper apples.”

“Well keep moving,” I said. “Comfort Bay is my city to pluck. And quit slapping Eric on the butt! That’s my butt to slap.”

The pale witch sighed and put her hands on her hips. The dark energy settled around her shoulders like an extension of her hair. She looked like a dark haired Godiva with the way it flowed. I thought of my own chopped red hair and I decided I really hated her now.

“Scarlett, there is really no need to fight,” Acantha said. “I’m trying to be very reasonable since we are fellow super villain ladies. We women should stick together. Besides, I have real powers, given to me by a dark prince of great power. All you have is a bunch of robots and a really dated gimmick. Why don’t we play nice, and split this city and I will let you continue whatever schemes you are working on?”

I was reaching for my Blastket when this short guy leaped on stage. He had an awful Hawaiian shirt on that was hideous. The strippers all froze when they saw him so I decided to hear him out before killing this witch.

“Ladies! Please! No fighting!” he yelled.

“And who the blazes are you?” I asked.

“I’m Gary, I run this place,” he said. He looked terribly insulted that I didn’t know who he was.

“Really? Well Gary, I hope you got super-villain insurance cause we’re about to have a duel.”

“Bring it on Captain Red Skank!” Acantha snarled.

“Wait! Can’t we settle this like ladies?” Gary pleaded. “I mean seriously, do you two really want to fight each other over a bunch of men? Haven’t you any feminist pride? What will the newspapers say? You two are famous and you want to have a fight in a male strip club like some sort of Jerry Springer episode? Think of how much respect you will lose if you two have a public fight like this?”

I laughed. “Gary, you make a lot of sense.”

Acantha relaxed. “He’s right. I didn’t work this hard to blow my reputation in a strip club.”

“Right,” I said. “Which is why you and I are going outside to fight in the alley.”

There was a second or two of silence as Gary and Acantha processed this.

“I am going to rip you apart,” Acantha hissed.

“Whoa, save it for the alley,” I said.

“Fine!” Acantha said. She spun around and cripes, watching her body spin just gave me a chance to see how freaking fit and perfect she was. From her head to her toe, she was a beautiful vision of dark evil. No wonder no male hero had ever defeated her.

I of course had no such compulsions. I quick drew my Blastket and shot her square in the back. The setting was on ‘Stun’ so it only knocked her to the ground and made her twitch for a good two minutes. The dark energy that flowed from her flailed around and knocked over a slow moving stripper but it faded when she stopped twitching.

“Dump that trash in the alley,” I said. Two of the smarter male strippers leapt into action.

“Now Gary,” I said as I put my arm around the short punk. “I’ve had a long month. What’s say you clear out the Champagne room and send in boys and liquor till I say stop. You got a problem with that?”

He was sweating hard but the guy kept his wits. “That will not be a problem, Captain.”

“Excellent,” I said. I watched as Acantha got dragged outside. I sent a brief message to HelmsBot to take a picture of her unconscious body in the alley for my scrapbook. That was the last I thought of her as I begun a very debauched night, Saturday morning and Saturday afternoon.

Post Valentine’s Day Massacre

Valentine’s Day is one of my favorite holidays. It’s when men give tribute to their loved ones in the hopes of getting some. It’s when women dress up like porn stars to say they love their guys. It’s when alternate lifestyle people do whatever alternate lifestyle people do to make each other feel loved. It’s a sexy holiday. It’s the only holiday where every business is hoping you get some.

This Valentine’s Day I sat around the lair, using my newly healed arms to rebuild BosunBot. I received no cards, flowers, phone calls or even a creepy fan letter from a villain groupie. Nope, I got nothing. Am I not a woman? Am I not hot in a super villain kind of way? Doesn’t my pirate gimmick mean I am wild and attractive?

So I guess you could say I was in a bad mood yesterday. The news this morning is calling it the Post Valentine’s Day Massacre. That’s terribly unfair. I didn’t kill anyone. I just destroyed a lot of property. Driving around in the ‘Lustful Raider’ and robbing/blowing up stores was just what I needed.

For the record, my kill/loot list looked like this yesterday-

Four Flower Shops
Three Jewelry Stores
Eighteen Hallmark’s Stores
Two Victoria’s Secrets because the first one didn’t have the blood red ‘Angel’s Secret Embrace' bra I was looking for in my size
Six Liquor Stores and let me tell you, those bastards shoot back
Three Restaurants that I’ve always wanted to be taken to but no one ever does
And that unnamed Adult Store on Windy Street

I was expecting heavy resistance. Heck, I was expecting to have to turn around and flee from the police after the first jewelry store but apparently General Surgeon had one last stash of super zombies hidden away. The zombies came bursting out of their warehouse yesterday without any sort of aim or master plan. Every hero in the city converged on the battle site along with the police. It was an epic battle broadcast on every channel. I of course knew nothing about it, so I just kept robbing stores till the ‘Lustful Raider’ started to drag a little from all the loot.

The worse part is that the news is speculating that I somehow coordinated the zombies to strike as cover for my robberies. What the? Like I would seriously waste a horde of zombies to knock over Victoria’s Secrets. Arrrghhh, I saved this whole freaking city weeks ago by killed the zombie’s creator. They should be running a two hour special on my wounds and bravery instead of talking about how Choice saved some trapped kids on a bus that was almost zombie food.

Sigh, I need a publicity agent. Doesn’t anyone in the news read this blog? How does the White House publicize their evil?

Oh well, at least this new bra looks fantastic on me.

Appointment with the General Surgeon

When Hack cracked the codes on those computers and gave me some of General Surgeon's locations, I went into action. My Bots were loaded with weapons and zombie specific fighting programs. I made sure my BarnacleBots were healthy and in my body to fight off any diseases. The ‘Lustful Raider’ was filled with gas and had its tires checked. My crew and ship were in order.

But you know, a good Captain knows when to over load the cannons. I made a few phone calls and got in touch with the only people crazy enough to fight zombies and infections for a small fee. Heck, turns out they were willing to do it for free.

They arrived the next day. Well, more accurately they were standing in front of my bed when I woke up. I didn’t ask how they got in or why my Bots didn’t attack them. You don’t ask many questions when six ninjas in full gear are waiting for you to get up.

“The Six Swords of the Night, at your service,” one of them said. Or maybe all of them said it. It was hard to say.

“I didn’t expect you here so fast,” I said as I looked for my hat. Most of my hair had grown back in but damn; it still looked ratty.

“We are honor bound to fight the undead where ever they may rise,” they said.

“Well, I am not sure they are magical undead. Could be fancy science and biology tricks.”

The Six didn’t care. “Our oath was to slay the undead where ever they may rise.”

I nodded and got dressed. Wow, the rumors were true. Apparently these guys were doing an assassination job when they ran into the hero, Electron Knight. They also ran into some sort of crazy zombie plaque and were almost killed by it if it wasn’t for the Electron Knight saving them. In return for saving their lives, he made them swear to that oath. If the hero was really smart, he would have made them his sidekicks or something but no, he just turned them into a roaming band of monster hunters. Idiot. Oh well, he saved me from having to pay their usual six digit fee.

“Here’s the list of places,” I said. “We’re striking the one I circled first.”

One of the ninjas caught it. He didn’t read it. “We shall slay any unnatural creature we find. When do we strike?”

I looked at the clock. It was an early 8 in the morning.

“How about now? Unless you guys prefer the night for your sneaky Ninja stuff?”

“We shall be slaying when you arrive,” they said.

Then the damn guys just turned and vanished. Handy trick.

“You heard them,” I said to my Bots. “Let’s set sail and hope they leave us something to kill.”

We got to the warehouse in twenty minutes but the front doors were already open and the stench of the no longer moving undead filled the air. A small stack of heads had been placed by the door, I guess in case we were lost and needed to know which warehouse was filled with killer zombies.

HelmsBot stayed in the ‘Lustful Raider’ while I led my crew inside. Holy crap, it was something to see. It smelled like a butcher’s shop in there and the floors were slick with blood and other wet organic material. It was also littered with twitching disabled zombies. The Swords were making a mess of the place.

That’s not to say there wasn’t resistance. Oh no. There were still plenty of crazed zombies running around. They were dressed in the same strange black fetish looking clothes and they had the same vicious ferocity that made them a bitch to fight last time. There were literally crates filled with the zombies stacked around the warehouse and as we made our way in, some crates would spill open with freshly activated monsters. The second time it happened and I nearly wet my pants, I instructed my Bots to just blast crates on principle.

Ah my Bots. I do love it when science and preparation defeats the opposition. I equipped every Bot with chainsaws for their left hands. Yeah, it’s crude but man, did it chop right through a squishy mass of necrotic flesh. The Bots also had their targeting tweaked so they would aim for knee cap shots followed up by head shots. A wave of zombies dropping to their knees slows them down right nicely. Lastly, every Bot was packing more explosives than a pirate living on a diet of beans and ginger ale. If any of my Bots went down today, he was going to take whatever horde brought him down with him.

We pushed through the warehouse like a hurricane. My crew slaughtered zombies or we found the twitching remains of zombies who the Six Swords had already destroyed. The carnage was overwhelming but for every zombie taken down, I like to think General Surgeon was getting another ulcer.

The zombies were horrible but some of the other things we found were far worse. We found an operating area that had more in common with a butcher’s shop than a hospital. I gave the equipment a look over but I still couldn’t figure out how he was animating his army. Oh well, biology was never my strong suit. I had my Bots blast the place to pieces so no more poor bastards would end up on those tables.

More disturbing was the living employees of General Surgeon. A batch of them were holed up in an office and the Six Swords apparently didn’t think their oath covered killing them. When I found them, they tried shooting at us with pistols and the occasional thrown scapel. I debated capturing them and interrogating them, but the longer I looked at their blood stained aprons the less I felt like leaving any alive.

The Bots shot them all and I bet the their deaths were easier than whatever they operated on had suffered through. Hell, I shot two my self. Some villains just don’t deserve to live.

It was after we cleaned out the General’s henchmen that I saw the first of the Six Swords since entering the warehouse. He was lying dead on the floor, torn in two. Smoke was rising from his body instead of blood. His eyes were still glowing though. The sounds of battle came from down the hall so I rushed my Bots in.

The Six, err, Five Swords of the Night had something surrounded. That something was a twelve foot tall monster with four arms, three legs, a crazy scorpion tail, some horns, a freaking two foot wide jaw in it’s chest and weird beret on it’s head. The jaw in its chest kept opening and closing and I realized it was chewing. I found out later it was chewing on a hand from one of the Five Swords.

It saw me. “Ah Scarlett Drake! I thought you would be too much of a coward to fight me yourself!”

This was General Surgeon? Well, he practices what he does to others. He must have had a really bad childhood. Or maybe the love of his life left him. Or maybe he wanted to be a hero but traded his soul with the wrong demon. There had to be some reason why he was a mess of human experimentation and making a zombie legion. It just wasn’t my problem to find out.

“Bots, kill!”

I’ll say this for General Surgeon, the man can take a five minute volley of lasers. Even the Ninjas paused to see if the monstrosity could take it. The General dropped to one knee and the Bots took aim at his head. He must have taken thirty shots to the head but all it did was blow that stupid beret off.

“Nice try!” he screamed as he rushed forward. One of the Swords stood in his way to slash at him but the jaws in the General’s chest spat some sort of nasty green goo at him. The Sword screamed which was a little disturbing. I would have been more disturbed if I wasn’t scrambling for cover away from the General.

BosunBot got in the General’s way and actually chainsawed one of the creature’s three legs off. For that awesome attack, General Surgeon picked BosunBot up by the head and threw him at 1stMateBot and CabinBot. As they went down, CookBot fired a full barrage into the beast’s upper right arm and actually sheared it off with pure laser power.

As for me, I was backing off and firing laser blasts from my BlastKet like a freaking gunslinger. I was aiming for eyes and what passed for a groin on the monster but it wouldn’t slow down. The Swords leaped into the fray and sliced him from a dozen different directions. He still wouldn’t slow down.

“I’ve got you now!” he screamed. He was right. I had backed into a corner with a twenty-foot high wall of crates boxing me in. The Swords had retreated and I think they were weighing whether their oath meant certain doom against something not technically a zombie. My Bots were still shooting but his back just seemed to be soaking the blasts. Crap.

“What is your blood feud with me about anyway?” I shouted.

He paused. “This used to be a quiet city. There were superheroes but they just managed street crime. They were unorganized and were used to facing little opposition. It was a perfect target for my army but you had to rile them up! Defeating Frost Sting? Upgrade? Worse, you let them live and learn from their mistakes! You’re teaching them how to fight intelligent enemies you moron!”

I grinned. “So you tried to kill me cause I’m just a damn good villain.”

General Surgeon roared and came at me. I think he was trying to insult me but it sounded like compliments to me. It’s funny how you can be thinking about such things when a crazed super-villain is charging at you.

Since all my other shots seemed to do nothing to him, I activated my Laser Cutlass. He didn’t hesitate as a red line of crackling death formed out of my glove but hey, he’ll learn from that mistake. His three remaining arms reached for me and I parried one by just cutting it off. His other two arms grabbed me around the shoulders but that was okay. I still had my Blastket in hand and I fired point blank into that grotesque set of jaws he had on his torso. Teeth shattered and a scream of pain came stereo style out of his head and chest.

He still had a grip on me though.

“You bitch!” General Surgeon snarled. “I will rip you apart and put you back together! When I’m done with you, you’ll be my walking toilet!”

“Too much information about your fetishes,” I said. I really need to shut up with the insults some times because that just really pushed him over the edge. His hands dug into my shoulders and I heard bones crack seconds before the pain blinded me. The pain caused me to drop my Blastket. Luckily my Laser Cutlass is hardwired into my glove. Unlucky for me I was in too much pain to do anything with it.

A barrage of shurikens appeared on General Surgeon’s arms. He kept squeezing.

One of the Swords of the Night sunk his blade into the General’s shoulders. That wicked tail of his snapped forth and impaled the ninja and tossed him aside. He also kept squeezing.

I passed out and then woke up when I hit the ground. Looking up, I saw that 1stMateBot and CabinBot had a hold of each one of General Surgeon’s arms. They had pried him apart and judging from the sounds of metal straining, they wouldn’t hold him for long.

CookBot used his chainsaw to slice off General Surgeon’s scorpion like tail while BosunBot was pumping shot after shot into the monster’s head. The Ninjas took turns jumping in, slicing with their enchanted blades and jumping out while the General wrestled with the Bots on each arm. The General was kicking at the Bots and every kick shattered metal and caused sparks to fly. The open maw on his torso was toothless but still chewing, trying to grab and crush anything it could. It was a mad fight.

One of the Swords dropped down beside me. He picked me up carefully but I still screamed. My arms were useless and hurting worse than a Mardi Gras hangover. I screamed again when he set me down forty feet away.

“You will have to find your own escape in case we can not kill him,” he said.

That was not what I wanted to hear. Damn Ninjas are too ready to die for their honor if you ask me.

“On my right hip I have a box of marbles,” I said. “They’re really explosives. Chuck the box into that lovely open mouth he has on his chest.”

The Ninja took the box in hand. “How do we activate them?”

“Place right hand on my left wrist,” I said. “I will activate it when you yell.”

He did as I asked. Gods, it sucks to not even be able to move your arm but by the Seas, I will push through the pain to push a freaking button.

“I will give you the signal,” he said.

I couldn’t see the battle but I could hear it. An explosion echoed through the place and I knew instantly it was one of my Bots. I hoped the demo charges I packed them with would take out the General but the sounds of battle resumed almost instantly.

The definition of terror is sitting in a warehouse turned zombie factory listening but not being able to see or participate in a battle to the death with a freak of mad science. If another zombie would have come by, I would have been scuttled. If the General won, I would be helpless when he comes by to find me. The Swords could die and the Bots could all be destroyed and I wouldn’t know till the General came by to make me pay for destroying his plans.

A voice whispered behind me, “Do it now.”

I pushed down on the activation button. I turned my head to see who was the voice, but of course there was no one there. The explosion I heard was glorious. Dust and shrapnel billowed through the warehouse and down towards where I was. I laughed when I saw a smoking piece of the General’s arm smash into a wall opposite me. He had to be dead, he had to be.

A long minute later, I got my answer. My Bots, minus BosunBot came around the corner. They were hurting and were barely kept together but they were still functioning. I made sure to command them to deactivate their explosive charges in case any of them fell apart on the way home.

The Swords had survived too. Well, only three of them. They looked down at me with their strange glowing black eyes. For a moment I thought they were going to finish me off. Half their numbers had been killed by this little task and I wouldn’t blame them if they were angry.

“Our brother dived into the belly of the beast, and then the monster exploded with our brother. Was he acting on a plan of yours?”

“Aye, but I didn’t tell him to follow the explosives into the General,” I said. I really wanted that clarified.

“We shall go clean out the rest of the hideouts,” they said in unison.

“Good, you do that,” I said. “I think I’ll drag me and my crew back home. I got what I came for.”

The Swords bowed and did that cool vanishing trick of theirs.

“1stMateBot, return me to the ‘Lustful Raider’. CookBot and CabinBot, loot the place for anything worth keeping.” There was no sense in not making a profit it there was one to be had.

Turn out there wasn’t much in the way of loot but they did find some cash in a safe along with a rather large collection of jewelry. I can only guess that these pieces came from the General’s victims. Either that or he liked to wear a lot of rings and necklaces. Whatever, I sold them all.

As for me, it took me a few weeks to recover. My BarnacleBots worked pretty well as bone fixers, as well as pumping me full of painkillers. Once I verbally instructed 1stMateBot on ordering the BarnacleBots on my treatment, I happily succumbed to a bliss haze of painkillers and bad TV. How much drugs was I on? Let me put it this way, this is the first year I’ve ever watched American Idol. Poor Turkey Cowboy!

As for the Swords of the Night, I never saw them again. They left a scroll on my bed saying the zombie menace was cleared but a more detailed debriefing would be nice. Oh well, I guess Ninjas suck at being open and expressive.

So yeah, I’ve lost two weeks of my life to recovery but you know what? It was worth it. I now have General Surgeon’s flesh blasted horned skull sitting in my lair as a reminder to ummm, myself, that no one screws with Scarlett Drake and lives.

I should maybe put that skull on the van instead.

Just saying

I may be a super villain who steals, kills and brags, but at least I have yet to shoot a buddy and swear it's the buddy's fault

All my friends that I have shot, I have BRAGGED about afterwards.