My Tan Is Better Than Yours

I should be out committing crimes. I had a lot of publicity from that whole Animal Master smackdown and I should be riding that fame into a crime wave that Comfort Bay will never forget. Now is the moment, I should seize it.

But, wow, has it been great weather lately. My tan is looking awesome and the pool we set up on the roof of the lair is aso relaxing to soak in. I feel like, well, like a pirate queen on a vacation. And when I get lonely I just hit the strip clubs and pick up a few boys to bring home. It's hard to go do a crime where people might shoot back at you when you can be lying out here, reading Spanish mysteries.

Sigh. Vacation inertia is so hard to overcome.

I also have my birthday coming hope. April 23rd, I turn a glorious 33. I feel like I should do something for the occasion, but I have no idea. I want to do something grand but at the same time I want to have a laid back birthday with no danger of going to jail. My young crew member Angela has a notebook that she hides when I come around. I'm thinking she's planning a birthday party and I have to say I am curious what she cooks up. Granted, at her age she might think a trip to Dave and Buster's will suffice. I hope the girl knows by now that any birthday of mine will involve serious male booty to be had.

Oh look, the sun is out again. It's time to roll over and keep sipping my margarita.

Chilling and Grilling

Ahoy! Yes, I am in a giddy mood. Have you been outside? In Comfort Bay, the sun is shining at a wondrous 80 degrees. I decided it was time to work on my summer tan although the secret warehouse lair doesn't exactly have a backyard. That's okay, we improvised.

Being a genius, I decided to have Angela and the Bots convert the roof into our own little summer paradise. The Bots stole some sandbags from FEMA and poured the sand out over the roof. Angela set up one of those poor folk four foot high pools on the roof as well. All we were missing were the trendy decorations and cheap palm trees.

Well, thanks the pirate gods for Jimmy Buffet's Cheeseburgers in Paradise. The singer's ultra expensive yet cheap appearing restaurants were jammed full of everything we needed. Palm trees? Check. Brightly colored fake parrots? Check. Bewildered and very cute waiter who didn't mind being 'kidnapped' for a night when we raided the restaurant for decorations? Double check. Steve and Ted were great hostages and even better entertainment this week. After a rowdy night of being 'hostages', we sent Ted and Steve off to rejoin the real world. A bit hung-over and walking funny, but mostly unharmed.

Sunbathing on the roof of your lair with the gentle sounds of BosunBot and Angela splashing in the pool is just the way every pirate should spend the week.

Ransom Epilogue

Johnny took his share, and his tiger-woman Felicia. He said he would stay in touch right before he raided my fridge one more time and left the lair. I was almost sad to see him go but then realized I was sadder that I won't be there to watch Felicia rip his throat out when he inevitably cheats on her.

Hack got her cut and mentioned something about moving to a better apartment in her e-mail. Nice to see that even a little ill gotten loot can go a long way.

Angela took her share and blew nearly half of it on Anime. Kids today.

As for me, I spent Friday catching the news. I watched as Choice gave an interview where she says that the poor deceased Animal Master must have been a lackey for noted Comfort Bay villain, Scarlett Drake. Let me tell you, getting credit for masterminding a city wide plague of robberies felt really really good. That really nearly made what I went through worth it.

It was the wild weekend I spent hitting every male strip club in town on my victory tour that really made it worthwhile.