Throwdowns with Heroes and Ex's

“Step away from the rocket and put your hands up.”

I sometimes wonder why heroes say crap like that. What’s the point? Has a super-villain ever stepped away and just stopped what they were doing? Are some villains just that cowardly that they surrender? Upgrade was looking impressive in his shiny armor and all, but surrender? How can a genius who built his own armor really expect us to give up?

My crew was holding their fire because they know the conversation between heroes and villains is very important. It’s a psychological game as well as just hyping ourselves up for the fight. Jaser was waiting for my signal, which is something I can admire in a man. Trouble was, I really didn’t have anything ready.

“Look, Upgrade,” I said. “We don’t want a fight. We just want to shoot this rocket into deep space and say goodbye to an old boss. Do we really need to complicate such a somber occasion?”

Upgrade paused. I bet he’s never had a villain who wanted to not fight. It really threw him for a loop.

“Is this some sort of funeral?” he asked.

For an answer, I snapped out my Blastket and shot him while he was in a chatting mood. Sure, maybe we would have negotiated some sort of peaceful walk away, but a sure early surprise shot is a better gamble than a peaceful solution. Plus, I was in a piss poor mood.

My Blastket shot ricocheted off Upgrade’s force field. So did the hundred or so shots my Bots fired as well. Upgrade had apparently, well, upgraded to a new laser proof force field. It was something I had feared but was actually impressed to see done. It was on.

Jaser shifted to laser form and took to the air. My Bots kept firing their lasers as I dove for cover. It was just in time; Upgrade fired off his own wrist lasers at everyone and the air was sizzling with the smell of burnt trees. My Bots were eating laser shots too, and unlike Upgrade, they weren’t immune.

So there I was, bravely cowering behind some excess crates. I was trying to come up with a battle plan but you know, I was more prepared for a funeral. Jaser wasn’t hurting Upgrade, but Upgrade wasn’t hurting Jaser’s laser body either. They could go back and forth for ages without a resolution. As many barbs and insults as they were trading, I could just see that happening.

“Built that suit yourself? What was it, a high school science fair project?”

“This coming from a guy whose big power is turning into colored light. Who’s your nemesis, black paint guy?”

I have to say though that Jaser was doing pretty good. He couldn’t hurt Upgrade but he kept zipping around him, keeping his attention. Upgrade was firing lasers, missiles and other assorted crap but Jaser was still dodging.

We had some leftovers from the rocket. We loaded it with a lot of deadly items but some just wouldn’t fit. A good Captain always knows when she needs a bigger cannon. I rifled through the boxes and found just what we needed. Professor Malice planned for everything.

“Hey Upgrade!” I shouted.

Jaser zipped to the side so Upgrade could get a good look at me. I was standing on an empty crate carrying a gun with a barrel the size of a cannonball. I had my hat tipped over my good eye in a very dramatic fashion. My gun was just under my breasts, pushing them up slightly through my bustier. In my business, always distract before shooting.

Upgrade hesitated once more and I squeezed the trigger. A vortex appeared two feet away from Upgrade and sucked him in faster than a lead chest will hit the bottom of the ocean. The vortex hovered for about five more seconds before vanishing.

“You got him Scarlett!” Jaser cried.

“Yep, Professor Malice’s instant wormhole maker might use too much uranium for each shot, but you only need one.”

“Where did you set the exit wormhole?”

“Oh, about five miles into the Earth’s crust,” I lied. Actually I set it for Hawaii, but no since telling Jaser that. Upgrade and I haven’t had our meaningful yet tawdry romance/fight yet. You don’t go killing the cute ones.

I was feeling pumped. Defeating a super-hero was just the thing I needed. Professor Malice was dead but his inventions were still ruining the day for good guys.

“1stMateBot, launch the rocket!”

Jaser frowned. “I wanted to say some last words.”

“Start talking fast then, it’s a minute countdown.”

He gave me a look I hadn’t seen from Jaser before. I wasn’t debating the countdown, I was informing him that it was going to happen. It occurred to me that other than refusing to partners with him, this was the first time I ever took the leadership position in an endeavor that we were working on. It felt pretty good.

“Professor Malice, you were a bad man but an awesome scientist,” Jaser said. “The world is a more dangerous place because of your work, but also far more interesting. We shall send your gifts into the stars to sow destruction, chaos and science wherever your rocket may land. May your work here spread through out the galaxy.”

The rocket took off and it was a beautiful sight. The flames and smoke were less beautiful. The smoke sent us into the ‘Lustful Raider’ where we tracked the rocket on BosunBot’s satellite links. HelmsBot drove us back into the city while we monitored the rocket to make sure it left Earth orbit. It flew just fine.

On the ride back, I seduced Jaser. More like a ravished him, but he didn’t mind. I think he was a little put out by me taking charge again but too bad. It had been a long time and I needed it. I had defeated an enemy, said goodbye to a mentor and now I needed to command one of the more unpredictable parts of my life and make it bend to my will for a change.

It’s good to be the Captain.