Ransom Payoff!

It's amazing how much of my mind has melted. Johnny's non stop videogames, bad television and worse of all, endless chatter about himself and his exploits, has turned my mind to mush. Other than the modifications to the BarnacleBots to keep me from humping him, I have done nothing worthwhile in the last two weeks. As Johnny keeps talking about himself, I feel less of a person and more like a shallow background character who exists merely to listen to Johnny's stories like some sort of weird high tech pirate Dr. Watson.

So Friday was the deadline and I was starting to get antsy. No word from Animal Master and I was wondering if all this waiting was for nothing. I promised myself that if Animal Master flaked out on me, I would dedicate the rest of my life to figuring out a way to kill Johnny's invincible mutant self. That gave me a warm feeling.

At 10 in the morning, I got the e-mail I had been waiting for. Well, sort of.

Drake!

I have your ransom but the Choice is here along with is here at my hideout my If you want your ransom, you're going to have to come get it your self.

Animal Master,
Lord of the Concrete Jungle

All right!

Angela, Johnny, the Bots and I loaded into the 'Lustful Raider'. We about damn near raced into it. Johnny didn't put on a shirt, Angela forgot to wear her new combat boots and even I forgot to pack my small hand Blastket. We had cabin fever of the worse kind and someone just invited us to kick hero butt. HelmsBot was given the order to run red lights, go down one way streets and run over any old ladies if it will get us there faster.

We only sideswiped one bicycle rider, but we did get there pretty fast.

What Animal Master neglected to mention was that his secret hideout was surrounded by a wall of police officers. HelmsBot stuck to his programming by ramming right through one car and over a roadblock. Then he smashed through the garage doors before I could command him to do something a bit more cautious. It worked out all right though, he burst right through those doors and spun the 'Lustful Raider' into a cool skid that wiped out a bunch of over excited cyber monkeys.

Another freaking warehouse. I swear, it feels like I spend all my days now at either my warehouse hideout or others'. I might move to another city just for a change in variety of hideouts.

The back doors popped open and Johnny took the lead. That was cool. My crew and I followed behind him, shooting at whatever shot at him. He can take it. Plus, it helps get him angry and fires up those mutant hormones of his. A giant bull-man thing charged at us and Johnny grabbed him around the throat and just snapped his neck. It was all very impressive. Less impressive was my Bots shooting a downed cybernetic bull-man, but hey, you got to make sure they stay down.

Johnny led us deep into the lair where we could hear the sounds of battle. I have to say, it was one hell of a fight. Frost Sting was there, blasting what looked like an endless horde of tricked out cyber cats. She was freezing them solid in blocks of ice and looked like she had the whole army locked down. Animal Master was going toe to toe with the Choice and loosing. Look, I've fought the Choice and that is one smooth black martial artist chick. Animal Master was 90% cybernetics and it looked like she had already smashed most of his body with her bare hands.

Everyone on my side of the room winced when Choice delivered a perfect kick right upside Animal Master's head. The animal mutating bastard went down with a thud.

"Johnny, engage the Choice! Bots, attack Frost Sting, plan code Freezeburn. Angela, you're with me. "

"The name's Quartermistress!" Angela yelled, but she followed me as I charged behind Johnny. The big mutant ran right for Choice and before she could react, he had already bowled her over. They were fighting, wrestling and struggling with each other. I had to wonder if even Choice could deal with Johnny's pent up violent tension.

The Bots on the other hand were acting on a program I had designed after my last battle with Frost Sting. All of their engines revved up into over-clocking mode and they spread out to neutralize her mastery of big freaking ice attacks. The blonde ice queen was fast, but I had modified my Bot's laser weapons to fire in rapid wide streams. The damage wasn't as great, and it drained their engine something terrible, but I could already see her getting battered by a dozen shots as she tried to dodge them all.

Angela covered me as I made my way to Animal Master. An over excited robo-squirrel tried to stop me but Angela took him down with only three shots. Animal Master was out cold but that's what a few good open handed smacks with the hand is good for.

"Wha? Who dares!" Animal Master yelled when he awoke.

"I do," I snapped. "Scarlett Drake here to save your scurvy behind. Where's my ransom?"

"You're here!" he said. Damn. Choice's kick to the head must have addled him.

"Where's the ransom you worthless excuse for a mad scientist?"

"It's loaded into the truck by the escape tunnel," he said. His eyes were having trouble focusing. They rolled into the back of his head as he slipped back into unconsciousness.

"Wake up!" I screamed as I shook him.

I heard a terrific explosion and spun around. A eight foot tall tiger/cybernetic lass was firing a shoulder mounted missile launcher at Choice. I watched as Choice leaped in the air like she was in the freaking Matrix and deflect the missile with a kick. This deflected warhead was sent our way. I had just enough time to grab Angela and dive behind a research table for cover. The explosion was deafening.

There was a lot of smoke but my cybernetic eye let me see through the haze. Frost Sting was hiding behind a wall of ice but my Bots were chopping it down pretty quickly. The tiger chick was out of missiles but Johnny was clutching Choice in a painful bear hug. I think he was also copping a feel but hey, that's just his way. I looked around for Animal Master and found him lying beside the table we used for cover.

I also saw him on a crate, and over by the doorway we came through. Animal Master was all over the blasted room and with him went the secret of where my ransom was.

Johnny started to spin and within seconds he was going faster than a blender. I wasn't sure what he was doing till he let Choice go and through her upwards through the roof. The heroine went flying like a human Frisbee and I hope she landed somewhere very hard.

As for Frost Sting, the blonde coward had escaped through a hallway, leaving a wall of ice to cover her escape. I was hoping she was running away again, but you never know with heroes. I know my Bots must have tagged her a dozen times with their lasers but knowing that bitch, she'll be back to smack me around when I least need it.

"Good work, Johnny!" I said. I was going to say more but the big tiger woman with the largest treasure chests I have ever seen rushed up to him and grabbed him in a big hug. For a moment I thought she was going to bite his face off, but instead she just licked him a lot with her humongous tongue.

"Wow," Angela said. I knew how she felt. There was something about an anthropomorphic barely dressed tiger woman that makes you feel inadequate as a woman. Sheesh, I bet she bathes with her tongue too.

"Enough of the happy reunion," I yelled. "Frost Sting will be back and so will Choice whenever she lands. We need to get out of here."

"Felicia comes with us!" Johnny yelled. The tiger-woman was still licking his face.

"Fine, as long as she knows where my ransom is."

"It's by the escape tunnel," the tiger-woman said. "It's where we drive out so people watching the warehouse can't see us leave and enter the lair. The tunnel goes to an old shipping yard."

I almost licked the tiger-woman myself. "My drove in through the garage doors. is there a route to the escape tunnel?"

"No," Felicia said. "Master set up his lab between there and the escape tunnel."

"HelmsBot," I said into my communicator. "Prepare to drive the 'Lustful Raider' to my location."

Felicia showed us the escape tunnel and I have to say, it was pretty cool. I'd have to get one of those for myself. Outside the police were issuing demands through a loud speaker but I really couldn't hear them over HelmsBot driving through the interior of the warehouse. Glass, electronics and failed experiments were run over as cheap walls were knocked down. I'm thankful for the noise because Johnny and Felicia kept making out and trust me, those sounds were not cool.

I drove Animal Master's truck while HelmsBot carried my crew. Angela rode with me because quite frankly, I didn't want her sitting with Johnny and his new girlfriend. If those two 'celebrated' their reunion, it might scar Angela for life. Besides, Animal Master had one long escape tunnel and I was glad for the company. It was scary driving a pick in a dead villain's tunnel, never knowing if a hero was going to come crashing down and stop your getaway with a karate chop or a wall of ice. Being buried alive with a truck full of stolen money is not how I plan to die.

No one stopped us in the tunnel.

This wasn't what I had in mind for a ransom scheme but I have to say, it worked out all right.

Siege at the Hideout Day Thirteen

Today BosunBot noticed that we had three pigeons sitting on a wire across the street. A quick look with my telescopic cyber eye revealed that each 'pigeon' was packing a tiny metal hood with a laser turret.

If Animal Master thinks he knows where we are hiding, then by all means, PLEASE attack. I could send Johnny out to fight and watch him get killed, if I am lucky. Heck, I would kill for the chances to just shoot something. A battle to the death with a thousand crazed animals attacking the lair would be ten times preferable to Johnny sitting on the couch watching Extreme Car Chases one more freaking time.

Please, if Animal Master has any sense of mercy, bring it on! Kill us all, just try it!

Siege at the Hideout Day Twelve

Got to make it till Friday. Got to make it till Friday. Got to make it till Friday.

Today, Johnny snuck into my bedroom and was trying on my bras. At least, that is what he swore he was doing.

Got to make it till Friday.

Siege at the Hideout Day Eleven

Today on the news they reported a massive city wide attack on every bank in Comfort Bay. I cheered as they showed footage of cybernetic horses blasting open a vault. Even Johnny paused in his X-Box playing to watch. We spent a good hour trying to estimate how much money Animal Master must have stolen and whether he could pay the ransom yet.

Johnny suggested lowering the ransom amount and I nearly smacked his invulnerable butt. Lower the ransom now? I have not put up with the smell of dirty socks for the last two weeks just to lower our demands now. Great gods, the only thing that has gotten me through the weeks of bad TV, sweat smell and non stop chatter has been the dream of what I was going to do with the ransom money.

That meddling Frost Sting stopped one of the bank robberies and I swear, I have never been so angry my whole life. I just know the witch did it on purpose. Somehow, she knew that stopping that robbery was prolonging my misery. I can tell by the way she smiled at the camera when she said it was no trouble for her.

Siege at the Hideout Day Ten

If I have to watch one more episode of Reno 911, I am going to scream.

Siege at the Hideout Day Eight

I am a genius. It modified the BarnacleBots to fight off Johnny's pheromones like they were an infection. I have to replenish the over worked bots every twelve hours but it's a small price to pay. Angela was injected too because that is one scene I never want to witness.

It was just in time too. This afternoon Angela was offering back rubs to Johnny and I nearly shot her out of jealousy. Johnny is fully aware of what's going on and has this smug smirk all the time now. Let's see how long that smirk is now that I see him less as a man and more like a really smelly house infestation.

Siege at the Hideout Day Seven

I am starting to think ransoming Animal Master was not a great idea.

Hack sent the ransom to Animal Master, demanding a terribly high amount of money by the end of March. I didn't specify an exact date because I wanted him to be nervous and early. The note instructed him to deposit the ridiculous sum to a Swiss Bank account where he has no hopes of ever tracking me. If he doesn't, then I will sell the diamond with all his blueprints encoded to the highest bidder.

In the meantime, I've kept Johnny Mars here at the lair. That's a lot like baby sitting your 14 year old cousin. Add in his mutant hormones and the whole waiting for the ransom bit is looking more like a test of my endurance. Let me tell you something about Johnny. The man does not like to sit still. Quiet moments of reading and upgrading Bots is deadly boring to him.

So far this week we have watched 16 hours of pro-wrestling. I didn't know there was that much wrestling to be seen. We have watched 'The Dirty Dozen' three times. On our LAN network, we have played endless hours of Unreal Tournament. Meals consist of pizza, giant sandwiches and buckets of fried chicken. Johnny listens to any music that has three guitars and a screaming lead vocal, or oddly enough, anything by Britney spears. It's a constant furnace of sound, violence and fried foods here.

I am not even going to mention why we assigned Johnny his own bathroom. The less said about his back hair clogging the drains the better.

Several times I have wanted to boot his butt out, but about eight times a day we spot flying monkeys hovering through the streets. Blackbeard knows what other animals he's got crawling out there looking for us. The last thing I need at this point is to let Johnny out and have him bring back home an entire army of cybered beasts looking to kill us all.

There is a bigger concern in all this. Angela and I have been trapped inside this lair for almost a week now with Johnny. His mutant pheromones are lingering every where now. Johnny was drinking Mountain Dew straight out of the two-liter bottle and I couldn't help think how sexy he looked. This morning, Angela wore make-up for breakfast. I have got to carve out some time and work on some sort of cure for his pheromones before he turns my hideout into an Axe commercial re-enactment.

Ransom Notes and Secure Hackers

Getting a hold of a villain you are trying blackmail is not terribly easy. Luckily, Johnny had the guy's e-mail address, which means in this Internet age, everything really is easier. I got a hold of my favorite computer expert, with the terribly creative name of Hack.

"Hack, I need a favor," I told her on the phone. You would think a computer hacker would prefer using instant messenger or something but she says that most of those programs have spyware even she can't defeat.

"Is this a paying favor?" Hack asked.

"Five percent sound good?" I asked.

"Sure, though I should know the job first, right?"

"I have in my hands a diamond that has all the blueprints of a super villain's gear. I'm selling it back to him for an outrageous sum of money. He's going to be mad, angry and paying through the nose. He also has an army of animals he's experimented on. It might get dangerous but no cash is every easy to get. If I gave you his e-mail address, can you make it untraceable?

"Do you want the ransom note to have animated gifs? No extra charge."

That's why she is my favorite computer expert.

Johnny's Story

No super-villain worth their salt has a secret lair that doesn’t have multiple jamming devices to prevent bugs, tracers and other devices tracking them down. I had five ready and I switched them all on this weekend. A half hour later, I saw a squadron of jet-packed monkeys flying over head. They kept flying on and I breathed a sigh of relief. Last thing I need is monkey poo on my roof.

The big pile of poo that was passed out on my floor was another matter. Angela suggested moving Johnny to my bed but the hell with that. He can sleep on the floor. I doubt I have a hammock big enough for him anyway.

Johnny Mars work up six hours later and raided my liquor cabinet. That was okay. I knew he was going to do it so I hid all the good stuff and left him the scum of the cabinet. He didn’t care, he drank it all down and was as good as new.

“Thanks for your help, Scarlett,” Johnny said. “Who’s the hot chick?”

Angela flushed twelve shades of red, none of them good.

“She’s under age and I will personally shoot you in the crotch if you so much as breathe in her direction,” I told him. “Eyes up here, buster. Now tell me why I had to save your sorry butt from a pack of cyber monkeys.”

Johnny pouted. It's weird to see a guy with mutant testosterone pout, but it happens more times than you would think.

"There's this punk I was working with," he said. "His name is Animal Master. he gets animals and rigs them up with techy crap. He's got dogs with bear trap teeth, monkeys with lasers and even a bear with a flame thrower. He moved into town to get some more gear before he heads back into the back woods of Georgia where he's some big time villain."

"What does he need you for if he's got an army of trained pets?"

Johnny started to raid my kitchen for something to eat. He found some lunch meat and ate it straight out of the package. "The animals are smart, but they can only do one thing at a time. Like, tell them to kill me, and they can do it all day. Tell thm to go somewhere, find good crap and come back, and they get confused. I tagged along to keep them focused and make sure they raided the right stuff."

Angela piped up. "So you're like a cybernetic killer animal baby-sitter?" I really didn't like how she was standing straighter than she normally does. Her chest was out and her shoulders weren't slumped.

"Exactly," Johnny said between lunch meat bites. He popped open my orange juice and drank straight from the container. "Animal Master is getting as much crap as he can from all the top technical factories in the area. I was raiding at least three places a day."

"Ohh," Angela said. "So you're not just a super-villain. You're a manager, or an executive."

Great. Angela had the hots for Johnny. His mutant sweat was putting out pheromones that over rode common sense. It was also teenage girl kryptonite and I considered sending Angela out on a scouting mission for the rest of the day.

"Yeah, exactly," Johnny said. "I was like a boss to all his little soldiers. Anyway, he got mad at me and I decided I had enough of all his animals. I broke into his safe and stole everything he had and cleared out. That's when he sent his monkeys after me, the bastard."

"Back up, Johnny," I said. "Why exactly did he get mad at you?"

"What difference does it make?" Johnny growled. "He got mad, that's all you need to know."

"I need to know how ticked he is before I decide to help you out any further," I said. "and you know me, if you don't tell me, I'd toss you back out covered in banana ice cream. So tell me already."

Johnny sighed and pouted. "Fine, I slept with his girlfriend. He found out about it and went crazy on me."

Angela perked up again. "Oh wow. Did you fall in love with her and provide her comfort for being in a relationship with such a crazy villain?"

Johnny choked on some beef jerky. "Nah, she was just hot and I was hot for her. I don't know why Animal Master was so upset. He could just make another girlfriend if he was that bothered by it."

Angela lost that loving look on her face.

"Make another?" I said in my most being helpful voice. "Did you sleep with one of his cybered up animal pets?"

Johnny nodded like a man bragging. "Yeah, but she wasn't just cybered, she her genetics had been messed with to make her more human. She was a tiger, but she walked upright and she had really big giant ti-"

"Ewwwww!" Angela interrupted. I felt good for Angela. She had discovered how easy Johnny was without ever having to sleep with him first.

"Okay, okay," I said. "So you were just being yourself and Animal Master got mad. What did you steal out of his safe?"

Johnny grinned. He reached into his pocket and struggled to bring something out. Angela averted her eyes but Johnny only brought out the biggest freaking diamond I have ever seen.

"This is what he wants back. Want to touch it?"

I already snatched it out of his hand. Johnny didn't mind cause he loved to brag to women. He contented himself with eating some leftover Chinese food. Angela just stared at him, trying to figure out what kind of a guy sleeps with a mutated cat.

My own cybernetic eye was analyzing the diamond. It took me less than a second to realize it was fake, but my enhanced senses picked up something even more valuable. Etched into the fake diamond was thousand and thousands of schematics. The diamond was chock full of blueprints for various weapons and animal improvements.

"Johnny, this isn't a diamond," I said. "It's Animal Master's damn hard copy of all his work. You just stole everything he has ever designed."

"Damn it!" Johnny yelled. "I was hoping to sell it and make some money."

"You moron," I said. "This will make us some money. Imagine how much Animal Master will pay to get this back. If he doesn't pay our ransom, we'll sell it other, less technically gifted villains."

"Us?" Johnny said.

"Yes, I expect a fifty percent share for saving your butt this morning."

Johnny grinned. "All right, but I got to stay here till we get it sold."

I groaned. It did make sense.

Freaking house guests.

Ex-boyfriends And The Attacks They Bring

And sometimes capers are determined for you.

I awoke this morning to a pounding on my door. Well, my door was pounded through is a more accurate description. I ran to the front door dressed in a black Jolly Roger t-shirt and underwear, but I was armed with my laser rifle. The anchor trap I had set up clanged to the ground and I heard a man cursing. The pure volume of the swear words told me who it was.

My ex-boyfriend, Johnny Mars, was standing there heaving the huge anchor off his body. At first I thought the anchor had nearly killed him but then I realized that all the blood and burnt clothes must have come from something else. I was a little taken back. Johnny was almost invulnerable but he was near death here.

"Who's that?" Angela asked. The girl was clutching another laser rifle and was aiming right at Johnny's head.

"An ex," I said. "Johnny, what in the seven seas are you doing in my lair? And you're paying for that door!"

"Help Scarlett," he groaned. "I'm being chased."

"Chased?" I screamed. "What the hell did you bring them here for?"

Johnny fell to one knee. "Cause they killed all my other friends tonight."

The smart thing would have been to throw him out. Curiosity and an urge to shoot something got the better of me.

"How far behind you are they?"

"Close," Johnny groaned.

"Bots! Rally around the entrance, Shoot first, identify target later!"

Angela looked at me. "I guess you want me somewhere safe where I won't get hurt?"

"What? Of course not. You got a gun, and you heard my orders. Shoot and we'll figure out what it is later!"

My Bots came running into position just in time for 1stMateBot to take a laser shot to the face. I dived for cover and dragged Angela with me. Johnny was still out in the open but the boy can fend for himself. The Bots returned fire and were greeted with a swarm of laser shots as payback. It was a freaking shout out for five minutes before I finally got to see what they were shooting at.

It was monkeys. I don't know the breed or the type as I don't watch those kinds of shows on the Discovery channel. They were a little over three feet tall and screeching their heads off. Cybernetic weapons bristled over their bodies from chest armor to missile launchers mounted on their shoulders. The front of my not terribly secret lair was illuminated in multiple laser targeting beams. Over half of them were flying on jets hooked to their backs.

"Monkeys?" I yelled at Johnny.

He just shrugged and stood up. A few laser shots glanced off him but he walked over to that anchor I had and picked it up. Cursing and yelling, he spun around and swung that anchor at a batch of the monkeys. They all scattered but he did catch a few. I guess even primates can be dumb founded by having something that heavy thrown at them.

It did piss off the monkeys as they came charging into the lair. I really wished I was wearing something more substantial than a t-shirt and underwear but you fight crazed cybernetic simians with the clothes you got, not the clothes you want. They poured into the lair by the dozens and one monkey actually threw some poop at me before firing a double pair of personal rockets at me.

I dodged all three missiles and gave the monkey a close range rifle blast to the groin. Little bastard.

Angela was doing fine though she was missing a lot and just resorting to rifle butting the monkeys when they got close. One tricked out chimp tried to shoot some sort of web at her, but the gal was smart enough to duck under the cover of a empty crate when she had to. Having a lair inside an old warehouse pays off in times like these.

My Bots were doing pretty damn good which filled me with pride. The monkey's weapons weren't hurting my Bots as much as I would assume after seeing Johnny's wounds. I can only guess that they must have been hunting him all night and just wore with down. The monkeys' small sizes made them hard to hit by humans but my Bots were shooting at an almost 90% accuracy rate. That's just one of the handy stats I get from my cybernetic eye.

The bulk of the monkeys were fighting Johnny and the punk was doing pretty good. Johnny's a mutant with super-testosterone, which means he will sleep with anything that moves, thinks he's the best there is at everything and can't back down from a fight even when he is at death's door. if anything, i think the fight was good for him. He was getting quicker by the second as he smashed monkey after monkey into the ground. I could have done with less of him smacking his chest like he was King Kong.

Ten minutes later, all the freaking monkeys were done. Three of them tried to fly away but me and the Bots shot those punks down. I didn't want any getting back to base and reporting my location. Hell, I was just hoping these things weren't remote controlled or something. I'd hate to move my lair at this stage.

The bad part was we had a lot of dead monkeys. I ordered BosunBot and Angela to start stripping the monkey carcasses of their cybernetic bits for salvage later. The rest of the Bots I ordered to rebuild and clean up the entrance. It was kind of hard to be a secret lair with blown doors.

"All right, Johnny," I said. "Why were Seek-and-Destroy George and his friends out to kill you?"

Johnny stopped punching the dead monkey he had in his hand. "Scarlett, you wouldn't believe the crazy people that live in this city. I was working for this one guy, and he got mad at me. So he sent all his commandoes after me. Since he was trying to kill me, I robbed his safe before I left. You're the only one who's been able to help me fight those dirty animals off me."

What the?

"Johnny, you're not making any sense. Who's trying to kill you? Why are they mad at you? And what did you steal from the-Oh that's just great."

Johnny Mars decided to pass out at that moment. I shouldn't be surprised. He always fell asleep when it was time to talk. Sure, he succumbed to his wounds, my butt.

This is going to be a crappy weekend.

Ex-boyfriends And The Attacks They Bring

And sometimes capers are determined for you.

I awoke this morning to a pounding on my door. Well, my door was pounded through is a more accurate description. I ran to the front door dressed in a black Jolly Roger t-shirt and underwear, but I was armed with my laser rifle. The anchor trap I had set up clanged to the ground and I heard a man cursing. The pure volume of the swear words told me who it was.

My ex-boyfriend, Johnny Mars, was standing there heaving the huge anchor off his body. At first I thought the anchor had nearly killed him but then I realized that all the blood and burnt clothes must have come from something else. I was a little taken back. Johnny was almost invulnerable but he was near death here.

"Who's that?" Angela asked. The girl was clutching another laser rifle and was aiming right at Johnny's head.

"An ex," I said. "Johnny, what in the seven seas are you doing in my lair? And you're paying for that door!"

"Help Scarlett," he groaned. "I'm being chased."

"Chased?" I screamed. "What the hell did you bring them here for?"

Johnny fell to one knee. "Cause they killed all my other friends tonight."

The smart thing would have been to throw him out. Curiosity and an urge to shoot something got the better of me.

"How far behind you are they?"

"Close," Johnny groaned.

"Bots! Rally around the entrance, Shoot first, identify target later!"

Angela looked at me. "I guess you want me somewhere safe where I won't get hurt?"

"What? Of course not. You got a gun, and you heard my orders. Shoot and we'll figure out what it is later!"

My Bots came running into position just in time for 1stMateBot to take a laser shot to the face. I dived for cover and dragged Angela with me. Johnny was still out in the open but the boy can fend for himself. The Bots returned fire and were greeted with a swarm of laser shots as payback. It was a freaking shout out for five minutes before I finally got to see what they were shooting at.

It was monkeys. I don't know the breed or the type as I don't watch those kinds of shows on the Discovery channel. They were a little over three feet tall and screeching their heads off. Cybernetic weapons bristled over their bodies from chest armor to missile launchers mounted on their shoulders. The front of my not terribly secret lair was illuminated in multiple laser targeting beams. Over half of them were flying on jets hooked to their backs.

"Monkeys?" I yelled at Johnny.

He just shrugged and stood up. A few laser shots glanced off him but he walked over to that anchor I had and picked it up. Cursing and yelling, he spun around and swung that anchor at a batch of the monkeys. They all scattered but he did catch a few. I guess even primates can be dumb founded by having something that heavy thrown at them.

It did piss off the monkeys as they came charging into the lair. I really wished I was wearing something more substantial than a t-shirt and underwear but you fight crazed cybernetic simians with the clothes you got, not the clothes you want. They poured into the lair by the dozens and one monkey actually threw some poop at me before firing a double pair of personal rockets at me.

I dodged all three missiles and gave the monkey a close range rifle blast to the groin. Little bastard.

Angela was doing fine though she was missing a lot and just resorting to rifle butting the monkeys when they got close. One tricked out chimp tried to shoot some sort of web at her, but the gal was smart enough to duck under the cover of a empty crate when she had to. Having a lair inside an old warehouse pays off in times like these.

My Bots were doing pretty damn good which filled me with pride. The monkey's weapons weren't hurting my Bots as much as I would assume after seeing Johnny's wounds. I can only guess that they must have been hunting him all night and just wore with down. The monkeys' small sizes made them hard to hit by humans but my Bots were shooting at an almost 90% accuracy rate. That's just one of the handy stats I get from my cybernetic eye.

The bulk of the monkeys were fighting Johnny and the punk was doing pretty good. Johnny's a mutant with super-testosterone, which means he will sleep with anything that moves, thinks he's the best there is at everything and can't back down from a fight even when he is at death's door. if anything, i think the fight was good for him. He was getting quicker by the second as he smashed monkey after monkey into the ground. I could have done with less of him smacking his chest like he was King Kong.

Ten minutes later, all the freaking monkeys were done. Three of them tried to fly away but me and the Bots shot those punks down. I didn't want any getting back to base and reporting my location. Hell, I was just hoping these things weren't remote controlled or something. I'd hate to move my lair at this stage.

The bad part was we had a lot of dead monkeys. I ordered BosunBot and Angela to start stripping the monkey carcasses of their cybernetic bits for salvage later. The rest of the Bots I ordered to rebuild and clean up the entrance. It was kind of hard to be a secret lair with blown doors.

"All right, Johnny," I said. "Why were Seek-and-Destroy George and his friends out to kill you?"

Johnny stopped punching the dead monkey he had in his hand. "Scarlett, you wouldn't believe the crazy people that live in this city. I was working for this one guy, and he got mad at me. So he sent all his commandoes after me. Since he was trying to kill me, I robbed his safe before I left. You're the only one who's been able to help me fight those dirty animals off me."

What the?

"Johnny, you're not making any sense. Who's trying to kill you? Why are they mad at you? And what did you steal from the-Oh that's just great."

Johnny Mars decided to pass out at that moment. I shouldn't be surprised. He always fell asleep when it was time to talk. Sure, he succumbed to his wounds, my butt.

This is going to be a crappy weekend.

Brain Hurricaning

Angela and I have been brainstorming about what caper to pull off to get the attention of Comfort Bay. I want to blow Acantha's hotel-napping out of the news. Not to mention causing endless speculation and terror.

So far we have ruled out the following-

Kidnapping anybody of note- Ransoms and kidnappings mean you have to be somewhere to collect some money. Which means you are a sitting target at the pay off point for whatever hero is looking to make a name for themselves.

Taking out a Hero- This does terrify the city, but it also pisses off the other heroes and the last thing I want is some dead hero's best friend looking to make me a casualty in their personal revenge saga.

Robbing a bank -Too passe to even make the news.

Kill a bunch of folks- Tempting but again, it tends to inspire heroes to kick your butt even harder than they normally try. and although i don't mind killing people, it really doesn't fit my idiom of a pirate. Maybe if there was a way to make money from it.

Destroying a landmark- Now this I can get behind. I do enjoy needless destruction but you know, if there isn't a point or a way to make money from it, then it comes across as a need for attention. Which granted, it would be.

Take over the city- if I actually had a plan for this, it would have been implemented months ago.

Steal a fabulous treasure- Again, I like this idea but does it strike fear? Does it generate endless news specials? I might become incredibly rich but it's not exactly attention grabbing.

Sigh, I got to think of something.

Villain Envy

I had a lazy weekend playing videogames and eating delivery food. Now, being a super villain I never feel guilty for having a lazy four day weekend. I risk my life and freedom in capers and get shot at a lot. If I want to crap out and play marathon video game sessions, that's my business. If you don't like it, I got a crew of Bots ready to handle any complaints.

Having said that, it was a bit depressing to turn on the news Monday morning and find out the city of Comfort Bay was terrorized in the grip of a super villain all weekend. Worse, it was a villain I had meet before. That goth bimbo Acantha pulled off one of the most audacious kidnappings this city has ever known and I was sitting at home trying to break my high score on Sid Meiers' Pirates. Sigh.

I don't need to recount what Acantha did, every blasted news station is replaying it every ten minutes. Look, so she shrouded an entire hotel in darkness and unleashed a legion of demons, big deal. So the mayor's son was in there as well as a few of the more useless but pretty heirs to several incredibly rich people. And yeah, it was cool to see a giant floating skull above the city, but a big skull doesn't look right without some crossbones under it.

I should comfort myself with the knowledge that the city's heroes descended on Acantha and kicked her corset wearing butt. The footage of Frost Sting freezing demons, Upgrade grabbing innocent people as they are thrown from the hotel and that awesome shot of Choice karate kicking right through some demon's skull was pretty cool to see. I only wish the news copters could get footage of the inevitable butt whooping they gave Acantha inside the hotel. They captured her, but apparently she escaped from the prison transport she was in. Ha! I never get caught.

Still, it's annoying how much coverage Acantha did get from all this. Janet Baker did a report on Acantha's claims that her mother was a succubus. Another station did an hour long special on Acantha's crimes to date. The freaking Discovery channel did a study on where demons come from and over on Bravo, they had fashion experts predicting how Acantha's corset, skull jewelry and Elvira-inspired black hair might set new trends.

This city needs a lesson on who the more dangerous villain is.

That Thing on My Chest

My newest crew member, Angela, was staring at my tattoo yesterday which is cool. You don't get a giant red skull and crossbones tattoo right above your breasts if you don't want people looking at it. The thing is, she kept staring at it but never really talked about it. If there is one thing a person with an obnoxiously large tattoo hates, is when we don't get a chance to talk about the obnoxiously large tattoo.

"Yes, it hurt a lot," I said the next time I caught Angela checking out my chest.

She blinked. "Sorry, didn't mean to stare. It's just so . . .big."

"That's the point," I said. "I wanted something so large, that every day when I woke up and looked in the mirror, I would see my pirate lifestyle staring me back. Also, it freaks out guys in bed when I take off my shirt."

"The first time I saw it, I thought it was like, paint or something. Like KISS."

I snorted. "No, I take my body modification seriously. When I wanted an optical piece to enhance my targeting with my weapons, did I build goggles? No, I built a freaking cybernetic eye and replaced my perfectly good eye with it. Even for this tattoo, I used a special regenerating ink designed to stay crimson red my entire life instead of fading like normal tattoos do. I'm going to be a hundred and eight and still sporting this tattoo in all it's vibrant colors."

Angela got excited. "I need a tattoo! Something piratey and quartermistressy! I should get like, a skull and crossbones on my cheek! Or maybe a whip on my arm with a roll of quarters!"

I looked at her. "You're not even drunk and those are the worse ideas I have ever heard. You are forbidden from getting a tattoo until you submit an idea in writing that doesn't completely suck."

That took the wind out of her but she got over it. BosunBot downloaded the Call of Cthulhu game and we spent the rest of the day playing it. It's creepy and I give it Four Cannons out of five.

Valued customer

I need to cut back on how many Bots I lose in battle.

See, I get all my Bots supplied through SteamDrone Inc, a little outfit that's been around since 1883. Rumor has it that these guys were built in by some mad genius to build his creations. When the mad genius died, the Steam Drones went into business for themselves. I send them blue prints, and they send me the parts at low Drone prices. Because I assemble my Bots myself, I get a second discount. Who says villainy doesn't pay?

Well, I got this notice in the mail today.

Dear Valued Customer,

Your recent purchase has upgraded your status with us to Valued Finacial Patron! We appreciate your continued use of our services, and your current funding of our corporate future. The Drones thank you from the bottom of their steam driven calculator hearts. You will notice a 10 percent discount in your future purchases, free delivery on any shipments over 300 pounds, and now extra power supplies will be included with each power supply purchase. Included with this note you will find a complimentary SteamDrones jetpack, our latest Plasma Pistol and our 2006 SteamDrone Calendar featuring the Drones of SteamDrone Inc.

Signed,
SteamDrone 10010001001

Yeah, these guys are getting way too much of my money.

Gateway Crime

I took Angela on her first heist last Friday morning. Nothing big, just a little starter crime. We got up at 4 in the freaking morning and cruised I-75 in the 'Lustful Raider'. Like pirates of old, we prowled the interstate looking for prey. Let me tell you something about robots, they don't care what time of day it is, they are ready to hunt.

We spotted a suitable victim. It was a Computer City truck, eighteen wheels of computer, stereo and television goodness. HelmsBot drove up along side it all casual like and then I rolled down the passenger window and casually shot out six of those big eighteen wheels. There was a little bit of drama as the huge truck swerved and nearly crushed a BMW, but the drivers of the Computer City truck got to the side of the road well enough.

We pulled over with them and the sight of my Bots with their lasers and chainsaws really settled any questions of what we were doing. The drivers didn't say a word as they got out, dropped to their knees and kept their hands on their heads. It was enough to make me wonder if super-villains rob these trucks on a regular basis. I kept an eye on them, while Angela and the Bots looted the ship. I especially kept an eye on the handsome black guy and toyed with the idea of taking a hostage for the weekend, but then I remembered that this is why pirates created strippers, so we don't get into those really messy federal crimes.

Angela, I'm sorry, QuarterMistress, had a fun time. The Bots looted at her direction and once we had three plasma televisions, she had the Bots toss the rest on the side of the row. She stole us some prime speakers and other car stereo products which go for quite a nice price on the stolen market. She also grabbed us a box of DVD's which is what we spent Sunday watching. The nice thing about selling stolen DVD's is no one cares if they are pre-watched first.

There isn't much else to report. QuarterMistress really enjoyed her first crime and she really enjoyed the five percent cut I gave her from what we sold to Mad Dave. Even though we sold and skimmed off enough electronic gear to stuff a whale, she still hit the mall afterward and bout an I-pod. As for me, I spent my hard earned cash on this new guy at the Beef Buffet. I think his name was Kyle, can't really remember. Angela wanted to come along but I have to draw the line at sneaking under age kids into strip clubs. She wasn't too disappointed though. Once she found out that BosunBot was skilled in every form of music piracy possible, she spent Saturday loading up on songs.

Just another typical lazy pirate weekend.

Loot and Not So Loot

So I took apart the force field generator. You know, the one I nearly got arrested for. The one that Helmsbot and BosunBot died for. The one that caused me to sleep in the woods and eventually ran me into the newest member of my crew. You know, that one?

Well it good news is that it does work. I flip it on and it took a full blast from my laser rifle without even a jolt. Then I used my laser sword on it, and even tossed one of my left over grenades at it. The field held up fine though my test subject, Angela, was pale as a sail since all these weapons were pointed at her. See girl, it ain't all fun and games working for a super villain.

The bad news is that it only works for an hour and then it needs to be recharged. You can plug it into a normal outlet believe it or not, which was certainly thoughtful of the scientists to make such an easy to steal prototype. The thing is, it takes ten freaking hours to recharge, and it won't let you use it before it's fully recharged as a 'safety feature'. I am so disabling that when I figure out how.

Stealing such a piece of quasi crap has got me itching to steal something simple like, lots and lots of cash I can stuff down the pants of a male dancer. If you work near large amounts of cash, you may want to take tomorrow off, I'm just saying.