Pirating Ain't Easy

I'm lying, it's incredibly easy. I knocked over a bank truck on Friday and have been a lazy Captain ever since. With no fence to bother with since it was all cash I've been online shopping like a mad woman. It's a good thing that when Paypal banned porn companies they didn't see a reason to ban super-villain outfitting sites like Weapons4U.com, EvilHardWare.com and pinupgirlclothing.com. I bought me a lot of spare parts for the Bots, a few new weapons for myself and some styling boots and a new Captain's hat. After I outfitted myself, I also bought enough liquor to open my bar and even bought the equipment to make my own Rum. In a final act of financial irresponsibility, I bought a big old iron anchor from E-bay that I'm going to hang in my hideout. You got to have the anchor to impress any guests or invaders who show up.

But still, shopping takes only the weekend. I've got a mortal enemy in General Surgeon and I picked up a very valuable computer belonging to one of his henchmen. Considering that the General destroyed my holidays with his deadly Germ Boytoys, I should be working day and night on cracking the encrypted computer notebook and finding out more about my enemy, right?

Nah. Pirating doesn't work that way. On Monday Netflix came in and I spent the day watching Transporter 2. Then I spent the rest of the day reprogramming HelmsBot with new driving stunts and speaking in Jason Statham's voice. Oh yes.

Tuesday I fiddled with the computer notebook for awhile but the encryption was infuriating. So I took a look at the cellphone. To my annoyance, it had a function that erased the phone's memory after every call. That's right, Walker had to put every number in by hand with no speed dial. That is one demanding super villain boss. Frustrated at my lack of progress, I set up a shooting gallery in the hideout and practiced my aim with various weapons. BosunBot played shanty songs he downloaded from various pirate club bands. Yes, they really exist.

Wednesday I deactivated HelmsBot's Jason Statham voice because every time he responded, I wanted to make out with him. I also got in my shipment of weapons and extra Bot parts so I had a lot of new toys to play with. Some of the liquor also started to trickle in and I made sure to quality check every bottle.

I don't remember much else of yesterday.

I'm looking at the computer notebook and I realize I am never going to decrypt it. I am a genius but even I know when I have met my match. Mad Dave said he's got a name for me, some super hacker who does work for both heroes and villains. If I let one of my Bots punch him in the face, Mad Dave will give me the contact information. It used to creep me out how much Dave likes getting hurt by robots, but nowadays I look at it as an informant I have to beat up but never really tries to escape. I'll swing by his shop this afternoon and do what needs to be done. I've given General Surgeon a week off, it's time I got back on his trail.