Johnny's Story

No super-villain worth their salt has a secret lair that doesn’t have multiple jamming devices to prevent bugs, tracers and other devices tracking them down. I had five ready and I switched them all on this weekend. A half hour later, I saw a squadron of jet-packed monkeys flying over head. They kept flying on and I breathed a sigh of relief. Last thing I need is monkey poo on my roof.

The big pile of poo that was passed out on my floor was another matter. Angela suggested moving Johnny to my bed but the hell with that. He can sleep on the floor. I doubt I have a hammock big enough for him anyway.

Johnny Mars work up six hours later and raided my liquor cabinet. That was okay. I knew he was going to do it so I hid all the good stuff and left him the scum of the cabinet. He didn’t care, he drank it all down and was as good as new.

“Thanks for your help, Scarlett,” Johnny said. “Who’s the hot chick?”

Angela flushed twelve shades of red, none of them good.

“She’s under age and I will personally shoot you in the crotch if you so much as breathe in her direction,” I told him. “Eyes up here, buster. Now tell me why I had to save your sorry butt from a pack of cyber monkeys.”

Johnny pouted. It's weird to see a guy with mutant testosterone pout, but it happens more times than you would think.

"There's this punk I was working with," he said. "His name is Animal Master. he gets animals and rigs them up with techy crap. He's got dogs with bear trap teeth, monkeys with lasers and even a bear with a flame thrower. He moved into town to get some more gear before he heads back into the back woods of Georgia where he's some big time villain."

"What does he need you for if he's got an army of trained pets?"

Johnny started to raid my kitchen for something to eat. He found some lunch meat and ate it straight out of the package. "The animals are smart, but they can only do one thing at a time. Like, tell them to kill me, and they can do it all day. Tell thm to go somewhere, find good crap and come back, and they get confused. I tagged along to keep them focused and make sure they raided the right stuff."

Angela piped up. "So you're like a cybernetic killer animal baby-sitter?" I really didn't like how she was standing straighter than she normally does. Her chest was out and her shoulders weren't slumped.

"Exactly," Johnny said between lunch meat bites. He popped open my orange juice and drank straight from the container. "Animal Master is getting as much crap as he can from all the top technical factories in the area. I was raiding at least three places a day."

"Ohh," Angela said. "So you're not just a super-villain. You're a manager, or an executive."

Great. Angela had the hots for Johnny. His mutant sweat was putting out pheromones that over rode common sense. It was also teenage girl kryptonite and I considered sending Angela out on a scouting mission for the rest of the day.

"Yeah, exactly," Johnny said. "I was like a boss to all his little soldiers. Anyway, he got mad at me and I decided I had enough of all his animals. I broke into his safe and stole everything he had and cleared out. That's when he sent his monkeys after me, the bastard."

"Back up, Johnny," I said. "Why exactly did he get mad at you?"

"What difference does it make?" Johnny growled. "He got mad, that's all you need to know."

"I need to know how ticked he is before I decide to help you out any further," I said. "and you know me, if you don't tell me, I'd toss you back out covered in banana ice cream. So tell me already."

Johnny sighed and pouted. "Fine, I slept with his girlfriend. He found out about it and went crazy on me."

Angela perked up again. "Oh wow. Did you fall in love with her and provide her comfort for being in a relationship with such a crazy villain?"

Johnny choked on some beef jerky. "Nah, she was just hot and I was hot for her. I don't know why Animal Master was so upset. He could just make another girlfriend if he was that bothered by it."

Angela lost that loving look on her face.

"Make another?" I said in my most being helpful voice. "Did you sleep with one of his cybered up animal pets?"

Johnny nodded like a man bragging. "Yeah, but she wasn't just cybered, she her genetics had been messed with to make her more human. She was a tiger, but she walked upright and she had really big giant ti-"

"Ewwwww!" Angela interrupted. I felt good for Angela. She had discovered how easy Johnny was without ever having to sleep with him first.

"Okay, okay," I said. "So you were just being yourself and Animal Master got mad. What did you steal out of his safe?"

Johnny grinned. He reached into his pocket and struggled to bring something out. Angela averted her eyes but Johnny only brought out the biggest freaking diamond I have ever seen.

"This is what he wants back. Want to touch it?"

I already snatched it out of his hand. Johnny didn't mind cause he loved to brag to women. He contented himself with eating some leftover Chinese food. Angela just stared at him, trying to figure out what kind of a guy sleeps with a mutated cat.

My own cybernetic eye was analyzing the diamond. It took me less than a second to realize it was fake, but my enhanced senses picked up something even more valuable. Etched into the fake diamond was thousand and thousands of schematics. The diamond was chock full of blueprints for various weapons and animal improvements.

"Johnny, this isn't a diamond," I said. "It's Animal Master's damn hard copy of all his work. You just stole everything he has ever designed."

"Damn it!" Johnny yelled. "I was hoping to sell it and make some money."

"You moron," I said. "This will make us some money. Imagine how much Animal Master will pay to get this back. If he doesn't pay our ransom, we'll sell it other, less technically gifted villains."

"Us?" Johnny said.

"Yes, I expect a fifty percent share for saving your butt this morning."

Johnny grinned. "All right, but I got to stay here till we get it sold."

I groaned. It did make sense.

Freaking house guests.