Duel at the Beef Buffet

This weekend I decided to get back to one of my favorite pastimes- carousing at male strip clubs. Now that I knew General Surgeon wasn’t out there with stealth strippers, I could get back to enjoying the finer things in life. A bottle of over priced champagne, loud 80’s music and boys with rock hard abs; these are the fruits of super villain labor.

I left the Bots at home except for HelmsBot who drove me to the stribclub I had missed most. ‘Beef Buffet’ has the best, most muscular and cutest male strippers. They cater to decadent wealthy women with loose morals. I’ve seen lawyers, daughters of evangelists and political commentators, so they don’t even bat an eye when a super villain comes in. It’s a casual place for evil women.

The reason I haven’t mentioned it before is because I like to keep such a place my own personal secret. Well, no need to keep it a secret because when I walked in Friday night, I saw a woman dancing on stage with a dozen of the strippers. She was dressed pretty trashy, but it was a certain kind of trash. Not many women wear black leather with white skulls decorating every nook and cranny. Her hair was piled high on her head in dark tresses that seemed o move on their own. She was wearing a tight corset that failed to contain her over flowing pale white bosom. Black energy shifted and coiled around her, embracing the strippers she was dry humping on stage. I stared at this witch and realized another super villain had discovered my little secret paradise.

I leaped on stage and the music stopped. The boys kept dancing because well, they ain’t that bright. The woman stopped though and the dark energy that floated around her gathered between us. She looked at me, and then at my clothes and then at my pirate hat and she smiled. It was a condescending smile and I decided that I was really not going to like her.

“You must be Starlett Drake,” she said. “I heard about you, my name is Acantha.”

“It’s SCARlett Drake and wait, did you say you were Acantha? I thought you operated out of New York.”

She smiled and slapped a male dancer on the behind. “I do normally, but the heroes there are getting a little too numerous. Why does every super hero move to New York? I thought I would come down south and pick some of the riper apples.”

“Well keep moving,” I said. “Comfort Bay is my city to pluck. And quit slapping Eric on the butt! That’s my butt to slap.”

The pale witch sighed and put her hands on her hips. The dark energy settled around her shoulders like an extension of her hair. She looked like a dark haired Godiva with the way it flowed. I thought of my own chopped red hair and I decided I really hated her now.

“Scarlett, there is really no need to fight,” Acantha said. “I’m trying to be very reasonable since we are fellow super villain ladies. We women should stick together. Besides, I have real powers, given to me by a dark prince of great power. All you have is a bunch of robots and a really dated gimmick. Why don’t we play nice, and split this city and I will let you continue whatever schemes you are working on?”

I was reaching for my Blastket when this short guy leaped on stage. He had an awful Hawaiian shirt on that was hideous. The strippers all froze when they saw him so I decided to hear him out before killing this witch.

“Ladies! Please! No fighting!” he yelled.

“And who the blazes are you?” I asked.

“I’m Gary, I run this place,” he said. He looked terribly insulted that I didn’t know who he was.

“Really? Well Gary, I hope you got super-villain insurance cause we’re about to have a duel.”

“Bring it on Captain Red Skank!” Acantha snarled.

“Wait! Can’t we settle this like ladies?” Gary pleaded. “I mean seriously, do you two really want to fight each other over a bunch of men? Haven’t you any feminist pride? What will the newspapers say? You two are famous and you want to have a fight in a male strip club like some sort of Jerry Springer episode? Think of how much respect you will lose if you two have a public fight like this?”

I laughed. “Gary, you make a lot of sense.”

Acantha relaxed. “He’s right. I didn’t work this hard to blow my reputation in a strip club.”

“Right,” I said. “Which is why you and I are going outside to fight in the alley.”

There was a second or two of silence as Gary and Acantha processed this.

“I am going to rip you apart,” Acantha hissed.

“Whoa, save it for the alley,” I said.

“Fine!” Acantha said. She spun around and cripes, watching her body spin just gave me a chance to see how freaking fit and perfect she was. From her head to her toe, she was a beautiful vision of dark evil. No wonder no male hero had ever defeated her.

I of course had no such compulsions. I quick drew my Blastket and shot her square in the back. The setting was on ‘Stun’ so it only knocked her to the ground and made her twitch for a good two minutes. The dark energy that flowed from her flailed around and knocked over a slow moving stripper but it faded when she stopped twitching.

“Dump that trash in the alley,” I said. Two of the smarter male strippers leapt into action.

“Now Gary,” I said as I put my arm around the short punk. “I’ve had a long month. What’s say you clear out the Champagne room and send in boys and liquor till I say stop. You got a problem with that?”

He was sweating hard but the guy kept his wits. “That will not be a problem, Captain.”

“Excellent,” I said. I watched as Acantha got dragged outside. I sent a brief message to HelmsBot to take a picture of her unconscious body in the alley for my scrapbook. That was the last I thought of her as I begun a very debauched night, Saturday morning and Saturday afternoon.