Post Valentine’s Day Massacre

Valentine’s Day is one of my favorite holidays. It’s when men give tribute to their loved ones in the hopes of getting some. It’s when women dress up like porn stars to say they love their guys. It’s when alternate lifestyle people do whatever alternate lifestyle people do to make each other feel loved. It’s a sexy holiday. It’s the only holiday where every business is hoping you get some.

This Valentine’s Day I sat around the lair, using my newly healed arms to rebuild BosunBot. I received no cards, flowers, phone calls or even a creepy fan letter from a villain groupie. Nope, I got nothing. Am I not a woman? Am I not hot in a super villain kind of way? Doesn’t my pirate gimmick mean I am wild and attractive?

So I guess you could say I was in a bad mood yesterday. The news this morning is calling it the Post Valentine’s Day Massacre. That’s terribly unfair. I didn’t kill anyone. I just destroyed a lot of property. Driving around in the ‘Lustful Raider’ and robbing/blowing up stores was just what I needed.

For the record, my kill/loot list looked like this yesterday-

Four Flower Shops
Three Jewelry Stores
Eighteen Hallmark’s Stores
Two Victoria’s Secrets because the first one didn’t have the blood red ‘Angel’s Secret Embrace' bra I was looking for in my size
Six Liquor Stores and let me tell you, those bastards shoot back
Three Restaurants that I’ve always wanted to be taken to but no one ever does
And that unnamed Adult Store on Windy Street

I was expecting heavy resistance. Heck, I was expecting to have to turn around and flee from the police after the first jewelry store but apparently General Surgeon had one last stash of super zombies hidden away. The zombies came bursting out of their warehouse yesterday without any sort of aim or master plan. Every hero in the city converged on the battle site along with the police. It was an epic battle broadcast on every channel. I of course knew nothing about it, so I just kept robbing stores till the ‘Lustful Raider’ started to drag a little from all the loot.

The worse part is that the news is speculating that I somehow coordinated the zombies to strike as cover for my robberies. What the? Like I would seriously waste a horde of zombies to knock over Victoria’s Secrets. Arrrghhh, I saved this whole freaking city weeks ago by killed the zombie’s creator. They should be running a two hour special on my wounds and bravery instead of talking about how Choice saved some trapped kids on a bus that was almost zombie food.

Sigh, I need a publicity agent. Doesn’t anyone in the news read this blog? How does the White House publicize their evil?

Oh well, at least this new bra looks fantastic on me.