Lost My Freaking Mind

It has been a strange journey back to my secret lair. It's Sunday and it's hard for me to believe I raided Perpetual Laboratories just two days ago. It feels like it was years ago.

Friday night, I was in a wooded area in the middle of nowhere. I couldn't see anything in the dark and I made a note to upgrade my bionic eye to lowlight circumstances. It was cold, slightly damp and unforgiving. I wrapped myself as best i could with my cape and tried to go to sleep. I was too afraid to start a fire as I had no idea how long the police would keep looking for me.

Saturday morning, I awoke to the sounds of laser fire. I stood up and reached for my laser rifle before remembering that Frost Sting had broken it beyond repair. 1stMateBot's arm was raised in the direction of the trees, but I couldn't see what he was shooting at.

"I give up!" someone yelled.

"Come out then and surrender!" I yelled back. "Crew, stand down!"

A teenage girl came out from behind a tree. She had a backpack with her and more importantly, a really warm looking coat. The girl herself was a little pudgy with mousy brown hair pulled back into an unattractive ponytail. She had a pug nose but what caught my notice were her eyes. Her brow was furrowed and she was staring at my Bots and making a thousand deductions.

"You're that super-villain, Scarlett Drake, right?"

Oh crap. I'm going to have to shoot a teenager first thing this morning.

"Yes, I am," I said as I casually yawned, stretched and moved towards my Blastket.

"Really? That is so cool! what are you doing out here?"

My hand froze halfway to my weapon. This was unexpected.

"I shouldn't tell you this, but I am currently trying to make it back to my lair after pulling off a robbery. My getaway vehicle was destroyed and I am on foot." I shouldn't have told her that, but I was acting on a hunch. I think I had me a villain fan.

"That's right! I heard about you on the news last night!" she said. "Everyone is out looking for you! You're my favorite villain!"

I stood up straighter. "Your favorite villain? So you read my blog?"

"You have a blog?"

I sighed. No one reads the damn thing. She didn't notice my sigh, she was babbling with excitement.

"I can't believe my favorite villain is standing here right in my hideout."

I looked around. Nope, it was still woods. Oh great, she wasn't a fan, she was delusional.

"Hideout?"

"Yeah, this is where I go to get away from my family," she said. "I come out here and read, listen to music and avoid my annoying sister. The trailer park is about half a mile from here, but you can't see it through all the trees. Hey, do you smell potato chips?"

I frowned. "Yes, but I am currently without rations."

"Well I got some strawberry Poptarts in my bag if you want some."

I ate her entire box and never have processed strawberry-like food ever tasted so good. They were the Poptarts with the icing which a bonus treat. The girl, who's name was Angela, also had two bottles of Mountain Dew which I consumed as well. It was a poor breakfast for a Captain but an excellent one for a starving villain.

The girl talked while I ate and I was too hungry to care. She had an older sister who she shared a room with in a trailer. Their parents also lived with them and they worked at various factories. Angela's sister must have inherited the looks in the family because her parents let her get away with anything and were trying to get her into American Idol. Gods, it was all boring family drama crap.

"Look, I'm a super-villain; don't you have any questions to ask me or something?"

Anglea blinked. "Oh yeah. Why are you doing this pirate gimmick? I mean, I like it and all, but why pick that?"

I took another swig of Mountain Dew. "Because Pirates make up their own rules. We take what we need, we destroy any who oppose us and at the end of the day, we are more concerned with living well and being happy than we are with destroying the world or causing mischief. Pirates don't need anything but a good ship, a steady crew and a brave soul. I like being a pirate because I'm free to do what I want and if anyone thinks different, then they are welcome to stop me."

Angela liked that answer. "How much money do you make. I mean, is it a good living?"

I told her how much I made on my last heist. Her jaw dropped. I have to say, it felt good to brag.

"You made all that? Why didn't you go retire?"

"Because I got operating expenses," I said. "I lost two Bots on this job alone. I need to keep my Crew equipped as well as myself. Plus, I have expensive tastes."

"Ohh, you got a secret mansion?"

"Uh, no."

"How about a chest full of jewelry that you parade around in?"

"No."

"A fleet of cars all decked out with DVD players and drink machines?"

I thought of the 'Lustful Raider' and the cooler of soda. "Not quite."

"Then what do you spend your money on?"

"Well, uhh, partying. Men and liquor can run your money out pretty fast."

Angela's eyes lit up. "Men? You mean, like gigolos?"

"Of course not," I snapped. "I never pay for my men. I just tip them a lot for a service well done. Wait a minute, how old are you? What do you know about buying men?"

"I'm sixteen," Angela said. "And I've got the Internet. I can tell you all sorts of things about the sex industry."

I stood up. "Okay, this is creeping me out. I may be a super villain but I am not discussing my sex life with a teenager. You've done me a great service but I should really head out."

"And do what? Angela asked. "Hitch a ride with your robots? Or are you going to carjack a bus?"

I growled. "Well what do you recommend I do? I was going to stick to the trees till it got dark."

"My neighbor's got one of those creepy vans," she said. "You know, the kind with the mattress and no seats. Steve keeps trying to invite me for rides."

Some strange anger surged in me. "And how old is your neighbor?"

"He's thirty something, really old."

That strange anger swelled even higher. "Oh, we're taking it then. Is Steve home?"

"It's a Sunday, I'm sure he is."

"Excellent. Crew, stay here and defend yourselves. Show me the way, Angela."

She looked at me and my long black cape, leather pants, bustier and Captain's hat.

"Don't you think you'll stand out?

I snorted. "If anyone sees me, they'll just think Steve hired me."

"I don't understand," she said.

"Good, the Internet hasn't totally corrupted you."

Angela led the way to the trailer park. Blackbeard's beard, how do people live like this? Tiny little trailers with too much lawn furniture. It was depressing. Not quite houses in square not quite real lots all trying to pretend to be normal. I've been poor, and I understand the need to grab a slice of normality but to me the trailer park looked like a bunch of row boats with delusions of being galleons.

"Why do you want to see Steve? Wouldn't it be easier to just steal his van?"

"Not really," I said. "I don't know how to hotwire a car, so just grabbing his keys will help."

"You build robots and laser guns but you can't hotwire a van?"

"Which would you rather know how to do? Van stealing or making your own robots?"

"All right, good point."

I knocked on Steve's door. A half naked guy answered the door with a very crappy goatee. He had a beer in one hand even though it was only around 8 in the morning. It just goes to show that some people think living in a trailer park requires a certain lifestyle.

"Holy! I don't think I ordered you darling!"

"Told you," I said to Angela. Then I slammed my fist into Steve's face. "Stay outside girl, this is super villain work."

I beat the crap out of Steve. He asked me why I was doing it but I didn't really explain myself. I wasn't really sure myself. Maybe I was cranky from sleeping the night in the woods. Maybe I was annoyed that this girl had to live next door to a punk who kept hitting on her. You know, maybe I didn't need a reason. Maybe some jerks can be beaten up without a reason. I know I felt better afterwards. I bet you one thing though, when he wakes back up again, I bet he'll have a few good ideas about why he got the crap kicked out of him and maybe he'll even fix it.

I came out with the keys and feeling of doing something worthwhile.

"You've been a big help, Angela," I said. "When I get back to my lair, I'll mail you some cash as a reward. How does a thousand dollars sound?"

Angela, who had been smiling, stopped doing so and seemed a little deflated. What? Was she expecting more? Greedy runt, but I can respect that.

"Actually, I was hoping you would take me with you."

Now it was my turn to frown. "Do I look like Batman? You're an underage kid with no villain experience, why would I take you with me? I'm already wanted for assualt, robbery, theft and the occasional murder. Why would I want to add kidnapping?"

"Because I'm just like you!" she said. "I mean, yeah, I don't have robots or weapons, but I want to! I want to live free on just my wits and courage! I'm tired of doing what my parents tell me and I'm tired of being bossed around by my sister just because she's pretty and dumb as a rock. I want to be a super villain and do what I want to do for a change!"

I got into Steve's van. It smelled of beer and chili dogs. Angela stood by the window and looked up at me with sad dolphin eyes.

"Look, I hate to sound like a public service message, but being a super villain isn't easy. I missed Christmas because some jerk tried to poison me. I can't keep a boyfriend and I almost lost my lips to frostbite due to a hero. It isn't an easy life at all."

Angela looked at the trailer where she lives and looked back at me.

"At least it's a life! What do I have to look forward to? I've got two more years of high school learning stupid stuff with stupid people. I'm not smart enough to get a scholarship for college and I'm not dumb enough to marry some guy just to get out of my parent's trailer. Best I can hope for is work in a factory and hope I only have to work ten hours a day and not lose any fingers. Your life sounds hard, sure, but at least you're in charge of it. If it sucks, it's your fault."

Crap, I can see her point. I may be a super villain, but she was appealing to me as a fellow smart girl in a dumb world. It just wouldn't work though.

"Angela, you're a good kid and I feel for you, but you're too young. when you turn 18, I'll give you a shot, how about that?"

"Too young? By whose standards? I thought pirates made their own rules?"

I thought about it.

"Go into your place and take whatever will fit into your backpack. Pirates live fast and start small. If it won't fit, you're not taking it with you."

Angela's eyes lit up and for one brief moment she was a pretty girl. Then she got smart. "You're not going to drive off without me are you?"

I laughed. "First rule, never accuse your Captain of lying. Go pack and get out here. You get ten minutes."

It took her seven. When she got into the van, I tore off and sent a signal to the Bots to rendezvous with me at the side of the road. Angela was excited to be running off to a life of crime and I had to admit her excitement was infectious.

"What's my job title?" she asked.

"I don't know yet," I said.

"Can I be the First Mate?"

"Nope, got a 1stMateBot already."

"What about an Ensign?"

"This isn't Star Trek."

"I don't want to be a Cabin Girl."

I shuddered. "No, that would definitely not be good."

So here I am back at the lair setting up a hammock for Angela's room. The lair is pretty large is setting some space aside for her room was easy. It's weird to have another living human in the lair but you know, I think I'm overdue. If I am going to be a real super villain mastermind, I need to have some actual people to boss around. She doesn't have any powers or anything but who knows? She might develop mutant powers or get bit by something radioactive. it could happen.

I haven't taken a look at the force field generator yet but I can wait. Right now I'm having too much fun making breaking Angela into the super villain lifestyle. We've already rigged her up a spare Blastket and later we're going shopping for a pair of pirate boots that'll fit her. We don't have a code name for her yet, but today we plan on watching a marathon of pirate movies to get some ideas. It's like having a cousin or long lost sister around.

Captain Morgan's boots! Is this my version of a mid life crisis?