Mutiny on my Booty

Worse Christmas Ever.

After my awesome christmas decorations heist, I went cruising the bars for a victory lap. Well, victory lapdance more like it. I spent a solid two days spending money, drinking with cute muscular men and sleeping real late. My problems began when I took home three amazing guys with perfect bodies and endless stamina. I spent all night with them and had my ship rocked like a hurricane if you know what I mean. 1stMateBot recorded the whole thing because it was just that damn good.

It's a good thing I did have him record it, because he kept recording after I passed out with exhaustion. So I have on record where my boy toys rapidly decomposed into shimmering green goo. The film shows how they reduced down to just stains on my bed and evaporated. Which is good because one of them had a plastic note inside of him. When I found the note on a stained pillow, it was nice to have a video record to tell me who left it.

The note said, "You should have never played in my operating feild, General Surgeon."

I woke up feeling like I had the flu, food poisoning and whooping cough at the same time. I vomited, ran to the bathroom and spent an hour praying for the pressure in my head to subside. Bots are awful caretakers but at least they don't complain when you request soup and then throw it all up. The Bots changed the sheets on the bed, washed them and installed me back it. I didn't know what General Surgeon hit me with, but I still had some antibitoics from my time with Professor Malice. The Professor's stuff doesn't really have an expiration date. Super-science rocks.

One week of agony later, I realized this wasn't going to work. I was still sick. My super antibitoics were gone and it was barely keeping me alive. As awful as I was feeling, I might have been content to give up and die a wretched death but I was saved by an unexpectant source. My ex-boyfriend came to visit.

Johnny Mars is not the kind of guy to come by when he hears you're sick. No, Johnny had no clue. He just heard I was in the area, busted a few heads and got an idea where I might be. It's a little scary how easy he found me, but Johnny's interrogation technique is a lot rougher than what most heroes would do. Besides, Johnny's pretty persuasive when it comes to a booty call.

My Bots anwsered the door when Johnny came pounding. I hadn't really given them a command in a few days so they were pretty passive once they recognized him as an ex. Yes, I have all my ex's on datafiles along with Hostility Levels. If Sonic Raven ever comes by, they'll fry his tail. But Johnny, Johnny's okay. He was looking beefy as usual with his simple black mask and red Mars symbol on his chest. He made spikey leather look very hetero, which is not easy to do.

"Damn Scarlett, you look like Hell."

"I'm dying, Johnny. Some punk named General Surgeon poisoned me with something."

"Bummer. Want me to kill him?"

"You'd do that for me?" I was very touched and in my feverish state, very close to crying over this gesture of love.

"Hell yeah, I would," Johnny said. "You used to be hot but now you look like a roadkill soaked in shit. Man, guys who make women ugly deserve to die."

I hacked for about five minutes. "Wait, you don't want to have sex with me? You've got the drive of a rabbit in solitary confinement and you don't think I'm sexy?"

"Sorry babe," Johnny said, not really meaning it. "You pretty nasty right now. Want me to go kill him?"

I sat up. "No Johnny. I think I want to do it. Carry me to my workbench."

Johnny frowned. "I don't think I want to touch you."

Oh yes, sweet angry revenge was what I needed.

"I understand, you can go now, Johnny."

"Sweet. When you die, I'll go kill him for you." Johnny then hit my fridge, grabbed a lot of food and left my lair.

1stMateBot carried me to my bench where I tried to remember a little of what Professor Malice taught me. I did a few cell samples of my blood to see what exactly I got hit with. I didn't expect to recognize the germ samples, but I was hoping to get a clue.

What I found was much more insidious than germs. It was some sort of nanobyte lifeform. General Surgeon hadn't just infected me, he infected me with microscopic germ men who were dismantling my system slowly and surely. I could have been dead by now, but they were taking their time and making me suffer. The little green saboteurs were intelligent, methodical and working on a plan. Oh, I was impressed.

I threw up again and came up with a cunning plan while my head was in the toilet. When I my loyal Bots carried back to my work bench, I had HelmsBot do the manual work while I directed. CookBot made me some green pea soup while 1stMateBot broke out some of my older equipment, in particular, my old nanobyte construction kit. You can't keep a good Captain down!

In a few days, it's hard to tell night and day when you are that sick, I had my new crew ready. I designed a horde of my own microscopic robots. The BarnacleBots. as I liked to call them, had a seek and destory program. Armed with teeny tiny robot claws, they were going to rip those germs a new one. That was the plan at least. I poured the BarnacleBots into some soup and gulped them down.

Managing a battle between microscopic armies within your own body isn't easy. I had a laptop rigged up to communicate with the BarnacleBots but navigating the human body is pretty weird. Some days we kicked butt and I actually managed to eat some solid food. Other days my fever ran so high that I had 1stMateBot manage the BarnacleBots through a program I literally scraped together while on the toilet.

I didn't even notice Christmas when it happened.

Yesterday, I think I finally won. I slept through the night and BarnacleBot patrols have found no traces of my invaders. What helped me out is that I was controlling my army while his was running on predetermined behaviours. We adapted, they died. I am exhausted and a bit thin, but I am still alive. I don't even know who this General Surgeon is, but I obviously crossed into his territory and he didn't like it. That's fine. I don't like being attacked. Maybe I've been too complacent with my raids, my partying and my superemacy.

Nah, I just need to skuttle this jerk and defend my space. Comfort bay is mine, and the General Surgeon is just so much chum.

Boyfriend of Christmas Past

I haven't been updating my blog lately but what do you expect after a big heist like that? My fence, Mad Dave, took that big chest of gem encrusted christmas decorations and sold them peice meal to wherever gems go. My haul was sizable enough to pay for a few more trips to the male stripclubs as well as put some aside for some upgrades I've been planning. I was in a pretty good mood.

That was until I saw the news this morning. Action News 7's very own Janet Baker was standing outside a crushed clothing store. Well, more like smashed, kicked and ripped apart than crushed. All the expensive suits inside had been stolen but someone took the the time to trash the place to the point that there was only one wall of the four still standing. No one was hurt, though someone had wrapped a light pole around a patrolling cop. They were using the jaws of life to try to pry open the steel pole.

There was no word yet on who had caused this but I knew. When the camera showed footage of the standing wall, I could see where someone had painted a very crude mars symbol. This might sound silly, but I reconized how clumsy the circle was painted and how phallic the slanted arrow was. It was Johnny Mars, one of the most arrogant, crude and shallow men I have ever meet.

For a weird month, he was also my boyfriend.

Look, it was a weird time for me. I was working with Diva Pain and her militant feminist group. Every day it was smack this guy, or prove why women were superior. And gods, they TALKED. They talked about everything. Now I am an intellectual kind of pirate super villain but even I shut up sometimes. These women would deconstruct Friends and spend two hours discussing the Persephone metaphor behind Rachel.

So when I ran into Johnny Mars, he was a breathe of fresh, if old socks smelling fresh air. Johnny was a mutant. When he hit puberty, his body produced some sort of Super-Testosterone that gave him mega-muscles, a back hairier than a Grizzly and a macho ego that makes Blackbeard look like Woody Allen. He started his super villain career at 14 mostly because he really really really can't be told what to do.

And when he took an interest in a young, fledging super villain redhead with more robots than actaul friends, I was helpless. We met at a League of Terror meeting. Diva Pain had been invited and I tagged along as lackey back up. Johnny saw me across the room, threw Ultimus Omegus through a wall as he was strutting and came up to me. He grabbed his crotch and made a terribly indecent proposal. I accepted while Diva Pain looked on in horror.

Let me just say before you judge me too harshly that his Super-Testosterone most likely also produces some sort of body sweat with mind altering abilities. I don't have proof of that, but it would sure explain a lot. It would explain why I watched football for the first time In my life. It would explain why I let him borrow money from me. It sure as heck would explain why I stayed with his hairy butt for the entire month of December.

I caught him cheating on me with Wolf-Woman of all people. That was when I realized that Johnny Mars might been handsome, primal and sexy but chemically he was just a life support system for his hormones. I broke up with him and for one brief moment, he actually looked depressed. Then he asked if we could some break up sex and I graciously agreed.

That was quite a few years ago and I am certainly over him, but what I am going to do if he's back in town? I should defend my territory but he was my first super-villain love, I'm kind of conflicted. Is he just as conflicted as me? Or am I too old for his Super-Testosterone addled mind to consider a partner?

Arrgggg! I might just blow something up tonight.

The Pirate Who Stole Christmas

Every year, Comfort Bay breaks out the good christmas tree decorations and the Mayor has a ceremony where they light the big old tree. The decorations are actually heirlooms, encrusted with diamonds and threaded with silver. Security is tight around the tree while the decorations are up and each Mayor flexes his police muscle by having the most outrageous defences. This year the measures taken were pretty impressive. Some contractors from Halliburton, cyborg guard dogs and a state of the art computer system that monitors over a hundred different angles. Once the decorating ceremony was over, it would take a master theif to steal even the tinsel from the tree.

Which is why I attacked Saturday morning, DURING the ceremony. Yep, I'm pretty outrageous. A daylight robbery at the mayor's mansion in front of the press, the police and one very shocked Mayor. Doomed to faiure? Nah, I had it worked out.

First HelmsBot crashed the 'Lustful Raider'through the delicate gardens of the Mayor's estate and right over a table full of refreshments. Sometimes I think HelmsBot just likes to run over things. A few fast moving cop shot at us but the Lustful Raider's armor held firm.

My Bots poured out the back doors of the van and launched their gas grendades. Nothing says Christmas cheer like big red and green clouds of knockout gas. The crowd screamed and ran, which is just how I like my crowds. The mass panic provided too much cover for any of the cops to get a clear shot at me. Those lucky few who did draw a bead on me got shot by 1stMateBot. He was programmed to cover my aft today and he was doing an awesome job.

I actually got to meet the mayor. Thomas Dante wasn't what I was expecting at all. On TV, he comes across as a really tall man with big broad shoulders. He's the kind of mayor you expect to be plugging up a pothole with his own shovel, a real macho kind of guy. Instead, I ran into a Mayor who took out his wallet and shucked off his expensive watch and tossed it to me.

"Here, no need to hurt me. You can have it all," Mayor Dante said.

"I have a better idea," I said. "Take that lockbox of shiney christmas decorations and load them into the van."

The Mayor hesitated. "In front of every one? It's an off year but I was hoping to pass redistricting measures and this kind of thing could set back my policies."

A police man screamed as BosunBot nailed him with a stun beam.

"Look, you can either move the box into my van or I can shoot you and chain your carcass to the front of my van. What's your choice?"

And that's how Action 7 news got footage of Mayor Dante loading the priceless christmas decorations into my van. sure, the other scenes were cool. I really like the shot of CookBot emerging from the knockout gas to shoot some feeling kids, but the shot of the Mayor doing my evil bidding rocked.

I pistol whipped the Mayor when our loot was loaded. Just one satisfying blow across the face to add the final insult. The Bots loaded in to the van and we tore out of there as fast as we could. The incompetent police tried to keep up but HelmsBot's fearless driving soon lost them.

Let me tell you something about HelmsBot. I once kidnapped six of the world's best players of a little game called 'Grand Chase Car Thief'. Using Dr. Mailice's equipment, I downloaded their reflexes, techniques and blatant disregard for human life that only a video gamer has. I dumped those six kids safe and sound when the ordeal was over but I kept those files and made them part of HelmsBot's routines.

So the police were unprepared when helmsBot turned into one way traffic, rode up on the sidewalk and used a Mini as a ramp to jump over an oncoming bus. It's just what HelmsBot does, and somewhere in his programming, he's probably got a desire to high five someone sitting next to him on a couch.

I thought we were home free when the laser blast hit the roof of the van. There was no mistaking that sound of energy smacking metal. I peeked out the window and sure enough, there was a flying hero on our tail. Better yet, it was that cutey Upgrade!

He was a magnificent piece of hero-meat. Shiney, bulging with weapons and equipment and strafing the crap out of my van, he was magnificent. I especially liked how he didn't talk or send a warning shot. The hero was shooting first and asking questions later. I like that kind of directness in a man.

What to do, what to do. I wanted to have a big battle, some witty conversation and then capture him. back at the lair, I'd slowly remove his armor while making indecent comments till finally, he decides to try to seduce me in order to escape. He succeeds in the seduction but fails in the escape so we have to start all over again. Sigh.

That was what I wanted to do but a plan is a plan.

"1stMateBot, fire the cannon."

In the back of the van we prepared a suprise in case any Heroes decided to stop my little holiday raid. The cannon was only as big as a TV dinner tray, but it fired a laser witht he capacity of shooting through a bank vault. We popped the back doors open and 1stMateBot held the cannon. he took aim and fired off a perect bright blue shot. It nailed Upgrade and we watched as the flying hero spun, follow for a few more feet and then slowly drop in a spiral until he crashed into a magazine stand.

Sigh, I was hoping Upgrade would have more staying power. Oh well. I had 1stMateBot paint a Hero icon onto the cannon to deisgnate it's first kill.

Not a bad Saturday all in all.

Grub Run

Even though I have a big heist schedued for the weekend, I had a more pressing problem this morning. When I spent all my money on strippers and rum, I didn't take into account the current stores in the galley. I woke up this morning to CookBot making toast using the ends of the loaf. This is completely unacceptable! What actually eats the ends of a bread loaf?

So I rounded up the boys and we got into the newly named 'Lustful Raider'. It's sad, pirate supervillains don't have checking accounts or credit cards so I can't exactly buy something and pay for it later. I'm going to have to take it by force. It's not the most glamorous thing I've ever done but sheesh, I need to eat.

We hit All-Mart just because even a supervillain like myself recognizes how wrong it is to provide minimum wage jobs while driving out local businesses. It HelmsBot ten minutes to get through the parking lot to get to the front door. I couldn't beleive traffic was this bad for a Thursday morning. every thing about All-mart is tainted.

My Bots surged through the front doors, shooting the greeters with Stunbolts. It did my black heart proud to see those shoplifter watchers twitching on the ground. The police officer on duty reached for his gun but 1stMateBot leaped over a display case of christmas lights and bot-slapped him silly. The rest of the employees and customers? They just screamed a lot.

"All right crew, grab a cart and initiate Looting Program Codenamed Groceries!"

That's right. I had my Bots go shopping for me. You think I'm going to go up and down all those too narrow aisles? I was content to sit by the front and keep an eye out for anyone that needed shooting. That was until I spotted the pizza place located by the registars. And hey look, it was being manned by a cute teenager who most likely dropped out of high school.

"You! Make me a medium pizza with pepperoni!"

The cute boy flinched. "We only make small pizzas!"

I shot the display sign and watched as he dodged away from the falling glass. "Boy I don't have a plank on my van but I'm sure we can rig something up for when I'm escaping down I-75. You want to be food for the pigeons?"

He shook his head vigorously. Oh my, young men are cute when they are terrified.

"All righty then. Get cracking on a medium pizza with a thick crust. And have it ready before my boys are back from their looting."

I turned my attention back to the crowd. You would think that customers would be running for the safety of the aisles but instead, they were still waiting in line. I don't blame them. If you've ever waited in an All-Mart line, you know better than to give up your place. I might as well give them a floor show.

"Open up the registers and dump the money in a bag. But not the change! Those crappy plastic bags can't take the weight."

One of the cashiers had more helpful than the company policy allows. "You won't bee able to open the safe, it's on a timed lock."

I shrugged. "Don't want the safe. I'm just here for the groceries and some light cash for the drive through. That reminds me, how's my pizza coming?"

"Almost done!" the pizza boy screamed. Ah, I do like it when hostages work fast.

My Bots came barrelling down the aisles with their fully loaded carts. HelmsBot had the back of the van open and they picked up their carts and tossed them right in. Haha! No human lackey could have done that.

"My pizza done, boy?"

"Yes Ma'am!" he said. He handed me my pizza and backed away quickly.

"Tell me lad, how would you like to come along?" I asked. I gave him a saucy look with my non-cybernetic eye. "I could do with a cabin boy to clean my boots, open my rum and maybe share a hammock from time to time. What do you say?"

"No! Please don't take me!" he screamed.

Rejection was bad enough but he didn't have to reach for a pizza cutter as a weapon. I shot him at point blank range with my Blastket. The crowd gasped in terror at my cold blooded act. Now, I only stunned the kid but I didn't inform them of that. I just walked calmly away with my pride and my pizza box. The crew embarked on the Lustful Raider and we headed back to our secret lair.

Funny how no police ever gave chase. I think even cops know that All-Mart isn't worth getting shot at.