The Pirate Who Stole Christmas

Every year, Comfort Bay breaks out the good christmas tree decorations and the Mayor has a ceremony where they light the big old tree. The decorations are actually heirlooms, encrusted with diamonds and threaded with silver. Security is tight around the tree while the decorations are up and each Mayor flexes his police muscle by having the most outrageous defences. This year the measures taken were pretty impressive. Some contractors from Halliburton, cyborg guard dogs and a state of the art computer system that monitors over a hundred different angles. Once the decorating ceremony was over, it would take a master theif to steal even the tinsel from the tree.

Which is why I attacked Saturday morning, DURING the ceremony. Yep, I'm pretty outrageous. A daylight robbery at the mayor's mansion in front of the press, the police and one very shocked Mayor. Doomed to faiure? Nah, I had it worked out.

First HelmsBot crashed the 'Lustful Raider'through the delicate gardens of the Mayor's estate and right over a table full of refreshments. Sometimes I think HelmsBot just likes to run over things. A few fast moving cop shot at us but the Lustful Raider's armor held firm.

My Bots poured out the back doors of the van and launched their gas grendades. Nothing says Christmas cheer like big red and green clouds of knockout gas. The crowd screamed and ran, which is just how I like my crowds. The mass panic provided too much cover for any of the cops to get a clear shot at me. Those lucky few who did draw a bead on me got shot by 1stMateBot. He was programmed to cover my aft today and he was doing an awesome job.

I actually got to meet the mayor. Thomas Dante wasn't what I was expecting at all. On TV, he comes across as a really tall man with big broad shoulders. He's the kind of mayor you expect to be plugging up a pothole with his own shovel, a real macho kind of guy. Instead, I ran into a Mayor who took out his wallet and shucked off his expensive watch and tossed it to me.

"Here, no need to hurt me. You can have it all," Mayor Dante said.

"I have a better idea," I said. "Take that lockbox of shiney christmas decorations and load them into the van."

The Mayor hesitated. "In front of every one? It's an off year but I was hoping to pass redistricting measures and this kind of thing could set back my policies."

A police man screamed as BosunBot nailed him with a stun beam.

"Look, you can either move the box into my van or I can shoot you and chain your carcass to the front of my van. What's your choice?"

And that's how Action 7 news got footage of Mayor Dante loading the priceless christmas decorations into my van. sure, the other scenes were cool. I really like the shot of CookBot emerging from the knockout gas to shoot some feeling kids, but the shot of the Mayor doing my evil bidding rocked.

I pistol whipped the Mayor when our loot was loaded. Just one satisfying blow across the face to add the final insult. The Bots loaded in to the van and we tore out of there as fast as we could. The incompetent police tried to keep up but HelmsBot's fearless driving soon lost them.

Let me tell you something about HelmsBot. I once kidnapped six of the world's best players of a little game called 'Grand Chase Car Thief'. Using Dr. Mailice's equipment, I downloaded their reflexes, techniques and blatant disregard for human life that only a video gamer has. I dumped those six kids safe and sound when the ordeal was over but I kept those files and made them part of HelmsBot's routines.

So the police were unprepared when helmsBot turned into one way traffic, rode up on the sidewalk and used a Mini as a ramp to jump over an oncoming bus. It's just what HelmsBot does, and somewhere in his programming, he's probably got a desire to high five someone sitting next to him on a couch.

I thought we were home free when the laser blast hit the roof of the van. There was no mistaking that sound of energy smacking metal. I peeked out the window and sure enough, there was a flying hero on our tail. Better yet, it was that cutey Upgrade!

He was a magnificent piece of hero-meat. Shiney, bulging with weapons and equipment and strafing the crap out of my van, he was magnificent. I especially liked how he didn't talk or send a warning shot. The hero was shooting first and asking questions later. I like that kind of directness in a man.

What to do, what to do. I wanted to have a big battle, some witty conversation and then capture him. back at the lair, I'd slowly remove his armor while making indecent comments till finally, he decides to try to seduce me in order to escape. He succeeds in the seduction but fails in the escape so we have to start all over again. Sigh.

That was what I wanted to do but a plan is a plan.

"1stMateBot, fire the cannon."

In the back of the van we prepared a suprise in case any Heroes decided to stop my little holiday raid. The cannon was only as big as a TV dinner tray, but it fired a laser witht he capacity of shooting through a bank vault. We popped the back doors open and 1stMateBot held the cannon. he took aim and fired off a perect bright blue shot. It nailed Upgrade and we watched as the flying hero spun, follow for a few more feet and then slowly drop in a spiral until he crashed into a magazine stand.

Sigh, I was hoping Upgrade would have more staying power. Oh well. I had 1stMateBot paint a Hero icon onto the cannon to deisgnate it's first kill.

Not a bad Saturday all in all.