Boyfriend of Christmas Past

I haven't been updating my blog lately but what do you expect after a big heist like that? My fence, Mad Dave, took that big chest of gem encrusted christmas decorations and sold them peice meal to wherever gems go. My haul was sizable enough to pay for a few more trips to the male stripclubs as well as put some aside for some upgrades I've been planning. I was in a pretty good mood.

That was until I saw the news this morning. Action News 7's very own Janet Baker was standing outside a crushed clothing store. Well, more like smashed, kicked and ripped apart than crushed. All the expensive suits inside had been stolen but someone took the the time to trash the place to the point that there was only one wall of the four still standing. No one was hurt, though someone had wrapped a light pole around a patrolling cop. They were using the jaws of life to try to pry open the steel pole.

There was no word yet on who had caused this but I knew. When the camera showed footage of the standing wall, I could see where someone had painted a very crude mars symbol. This might sound silly, but I reconized how clumsy the circle was painted and how phallic the slanted arrow was. It was Johnny Mars, one of the most arrogant, crude and shallow men I have ever meet.

For a weird month, he was also my boyfriend.

Look, it was a weird time for me. I was working with Diva Pain and her militant feminist group. Every day it was smack this guy, or prove why women were superior. And gods, they TALKED. They talked about everything. Now I am an intellectual kind of pirate super villain but even I shut up sometimes. These women would deconstruct Friends and spend two hours discussing the Persephone metaphor behind Rachel.

So when I ran into Johnny Mars, he was a breathe of fresh, if old socks smelling fresh air. Johnny was a mutant. When he hit puberty, his body produced some sort of Super-Testosterone that gave him mega-muscles, a back hairier than a Grizzly and a macho ego that makes Blackbeard look like Woody Allen. He started his super villain career at 14 mostly because he really really really can't be told what to do.

And when he took an interest in a young, fledging super villain redhead with more robots than actaul friends, I was helpless. We met at a League of Terror meeting. Diva Pain had been invited and I tagged along as lackey back up. Johnny saw me across the room, threw Ultimus Omegus through a wall as he was strutting and came up to me. He grabbed his crotch and made a terribly indecent proposal. I accepted while Diva Pain looked on in horror.

Let me just say before you judge me too harshly that his Super-Testosterone most likely also produces some sort of body sweat with mind altering abilities. I don't have proof of that, but it would sure explain a lot. It would explain why I watched football for the first time In my life. It would explain why I let him borrow money from me. It sure as heck would explain why I stayed with his hairy butt for the entire month of December.

I caught him cheating on me with Wolf-Woman of all people. That was when I realized that Johnny Mars might been handsome, primal and sexy but chemically he was just a life support system for his hormones. I broke up with him and for one brief moment, he actually looked depressed. Then he asked if we could some break up sex and I graciously agreed.

That was quite a few years ago and I am certainly over him, but what I am going to do if he's back in town? I should defend my territory but he was my first super-villain love, I'm kind of conflicted. Is he just as conflicted as me? Or am I too old for his Super-Testosterone addled mind to consider a partner?

Arrgggg! I might just blow something up tonight.