Grub Run

Even though I have a big heist schedued for the weekend, I had a more pressing problem this morning. When I spent all my money on strippers and rum, I didn't take into account the current stores in the galley. I woke up this morning to CookBot making toast using the ends of the loaf. This is completely unacceptable! What actually eats the ends of a bread loaf?

So I rounded up the boys and we got into the newly named 'Lustful Raider'. It's sad, pirate supervillains don't have checking accounts or credit cards so I can't exactly buy something and pay for it later. I'm going to have to take it by force. It's not the most glamorous thing I've ever done but sheesh, I need to eat.

We hit All-Mart just because even a supervillain like myself recognizes how wrong it is to provide minimum wage jobs while driving out local businesses. It HelmsBot ten minutes to get through the parking lot to get to the front door. I couldn't beleive traffic was this bad for a Thursday morning. every thing about All-mart is tainted.

My Bots surged through the front doors, shooting the greeters with Stunbolts. It did my black heart proud to see those shoplifter watchers twitching on the ground. The police officer on duty reached for his gun but 1stMateBot leaped over a display case of christmas lights and bot-slapped him silly. The rest of the employees and customers? They just screamed a lot.

"All right crew, grab a cart and initiate Looting Program Codenamed Groceries!"

That's right. I had my Bots go shopping for me. You think I'm going to go up and down all those too narrow aisles? I was content to sit by the front and keep an eye out for anyone that needed shooting. That was until I spotted the pizza place located by the registars. And hey look, it was being manned by a cute teenager who most likely dropped out of high school.

"You! Make me a medium pizza with pepperoni!"

The cute boy flinched. "We only make small pizzas!"

I shot the display sign and watched as he dodged away from the falling glass. "Boy I don't have a plank on my van but I'm sure we can rig something up for when I'm escaping down I-75. You want to be food for the pigeons?"

He shook his head vigorously. Oh my, young men are cute when they are terrified.

"All righty then. Get cracking on a medium pizza with a thick crust. And have it ready before my boys are back from their looting."

I turned my attention back to the crowd. You would think that customers would be running for the safety of the aisles but instead, they were still waiting in line. I don't blame them. If you've ever waited in an All-Mart line, you know better than to give up your place. I might as well give them a floor show.

"Open up the registers and dump the money in a bag. But not the change! Those crappy plastic bags can't take the weight."

One of the cashiers had more helpful than the company policy allows. "You won't bee able to open the safe, it's on a timed lock."

I shrugged. "Don't want the safe. I'm just here for the groceries and some light cash for the drive through. That reminds me, how's my pizza coming?"

"Almost done!" the pizza boy screamed. Ah, I do like it when hostages work fast.

My Bots came barrelling down the aisles with their fully loaded carts. HelmsBot had the back of the van open and they picked up their carts and tossed them right in. Haha! No human lackey could have done that.

"My pizza done, boy?"

"Yes Ma'am!" he said. He handed me my pizza and backed away quickly.

"Tell me lad, how would you like to come along?" I asked. I gave him a saucy look with my non-cybernetic eye. "I could do with a cabin boy to clean my boots, open my rum and maybe share a hammock from time to time. What do you say?"

"No! Please don't take me!" he screamed.

Rejection was bad enough but he didn't have to reach for a pizza cutter as a weapon. I shot him at point blank range with my Blastket. The crowd gasped in terror at my cold blooded act. Now, I only stunned the kid but I didn't inform them of that. I just walked calmly away with my pride and my pizza box. The crew embarked on the Lustful Raider and we headed back to our secret lair.

Funny how no police ever gave chase. I think even cops know that All-Mart isn't worth getting shot at.