A Hole in the Motif

So I was watching the History Channel this morning hoping to catch some Pirate documentries. Instead of soemthing educational, they decided to play a retrospective on the 60's hero, Electric Knight. I was half watching the show while eating my breakfast of pancakes and sea biscuits when they started covering his villains. The first one they covered was the Gardener, that mad plant controlling jerk who would rob banks with mutant Venus Flytrap minions. The stock footage they had was of the Gardener driving up to the bank in a hideous green Cadillac. What made me choke on my sea biscuit was that the caption read, 'Gardener's Green Machine'.

Arrg, that Gardener might have been lame but at least he knew his vehicle needed a catchy name. I turned around and looked at my black getaway van with the skull and crossbones painted on the side. I've been waiting to buy a boat of some kind but here I am with a black van and I haven't bothered to name it? What kind of thematic super villain am I?

"HelmsBot! Get some red paint and put a name on the getaway van!"

"Query: What designation do you desire?" HelmsBot asked.

That was a damn good question.

The van might be small in comparison to the juggernaut I intend to command one day, but it is my first 'ship' so to speak. I need a name that strikes terror in History Channel watchers forty years from now. My parents would want me to name it something tradtional, like Queen Anne's Revenge after Blackbeard's ship but that's not my way. I've adopted the Pirate Lifestyle but only as a guide not as something I have to renact every step of the way.

So I spent an hour brainstorming today. The Bots were useless when it comes to original thoughts. I toyed with the idea of 'The Evil Pearl' and almost had HelmsBot paint it on before I remembered that the name of Jack Sparrow's ship was the Black Pearl. Heroes i don't mind fighting but Disney Lawyers? No thanks.

I settled on The Lustful Raider. Aye it is a mouthful but I think it works. It's sexy like me, and it evokes that plunder and kill feeling with the word Raider. After HelmsBot was done painting the name, I took the last bottle of rum and gave a short christening speech. 1stMateBot recorded it so I can type it out now.

"Crew, we are gathered here today to officially include our getaway vehicle into our Villain theme. A theme is a terribly important thing to have as it helps build villain recognition as well as provide props for when I retire, get pardoned and license my equipment and names to toy companies. We christen this van today not only so that it can strike fear into our enemies and victims but so I can afford all the intoxicants and male nurses I desire in my old age."

"I call you the Lustful Raider, and may your tires stay filled, your armor never buckle and your windsheild never crack from hitting some slow moving hero!"