My Tan Is Better Than Yours

I should be out committing crimes. I had a lot of publicity from that whole Animal Master smackdown and I should be riding that fame into a crime wave that Comfort Bay will never forget. Now is the moment, I should seize it.

But, wow, has it been great weather lately. My tan is looking awesome and the pool we set up on the roof of the lair is aso relaxing to soak in. I feel like, well, like a pirate queen on a vacation. And when I get lonely I just hit the strip clubs and pick up a few boys to bring home. It's hard to go do a crime where people might shoot back at you when you can be lying out here, reading Spanish mysteries.

Sigh. Vacation inertia is so hard to overcome.

I also have my birthday coming hope. April 23rd, I turn a glorious 33. I feel like I should do something for the occasion, but I have no idea. I want to do something grand but at the same time I want to have a laid back birthday with no danger of going to jail. My young crew member Angela has a notebook that she hides when I come around. I'm thinking she's planning a birthday party and I have to say I am curious what she cooks up. Granted, at her age she might think a trip to Dave and Buster's will suffice. I hope the girl knows by now that any birthday of mine will involve serious male booty to be had.

Oh look, the sun is out again. It's time to roll over and keep sipping my margarita.

Chilling and Grilling

Ahoy! Yes, I am in a giddy mood. Have you been outside? In Comfort Bay, the sun is shining at a wondrous 80 degrees. I decided it was time to work on my summer tan although the secret warehouse lair doesn't exactly have a backyard. That's okay, we improvised.

Being a genius, I decided to have Angela and the Bots convert the roof into our own little summer paradise. The Bots stole some sandbags from FEMA and poured the sand out over the roof. Angela set up one of those poor folk four foot high pools on the roof as well. All we were missing were the trendy decorations and cheap palm trees.

Well, thanks the pirate gods for Jimmy Buffet's Cheeseburgers in Paradise. The singer's ultra expensive yet cheap appearing restaurants were jammed full of everything we needed. Palm trees? Check. Brightly colored fake parrots? Check. Bewildered and very cute waiter who didn't mind being 'kidnapped' for a night when we raided the restaurant for decorations? Double check. Steve and Ted were great hostages and even better entertainment this week. After a rowdy night of being 'hostages', we sent Ted and Steve off to rejoin the real world. A bit hung-over and walking funny, but mostly unharmed.

Sunbathing on the roof of your lair with the gentle sounds of BosunBot and Angela splashing in the pool is just the way every pirate should spend the week.

Ransom Epilogue

Johnny took his share, and his tiger-woman Felicia. He said he would stay in touch right before he raided my fridge one more time and left the lair. I was almost sad to see him go but then realized I was sadder that I won't be there to watch Felicia rip his throat out when he inevitably cheats on her.

Hack got her cut and mentioned something about moving to a better apartment in her e-mail. Nice to see that even a little ill gotten loot can go a long way.

Angela took her share and blew nearly half of it on Anime. Kids today.

As for me, I spent Friday catching the news. I watched as Choice gave an interview where she says that the poor deceased Animal Master must have been a lackey for noted Comfort Bay villain, Scarlett Drake. Let me tell you, getting credit for masterminding a city wide plague of robberies felt really really good. That really nearly made what I went through worth it.

It was the wild weekend I spent hitting every male strip club in town on my victory tour that really made it worthwhile.

Ransom Payoff!

It's amazing how much of my mind has melted. Johnny's non stop videogames, bad television and worse of all, endless chatter about himself and his exploits, has turned my mind to mush. Other than the modifications to the BarnacleBots to keep me from humping him, I have done nothing worthwhile in the last two weeks. As Johnny keeps talking about himself, I feel less of a person and more like a shallow background character who exists merely to listen to Johnny's stories like some sort of weird high tech pirate Dr. Watson.

So Friday was the deadline and I was starting to get antsy. No word from Animal Master and I was wondering if all this waiting was for nothing. I promised myself that if Animal Master flaked out on me, I would dedicate the rest of my life to figuring out a way to kill Johnny's invincible mutant self. That gave me a warm feeling.

At 10 in the morning, I got the e-mail I had been waiting for. Well, sort of.

Drake!

I have your ransom but the Choice is here along with is here at my hideout my If you want your ransom, you're going to have to come get it your self.

Animal Master,
Lord of the Concrete Jungle

All right!

Angela, Johnny, the Bots and I loaded into the 'Lustful Raider'. We about damn near raced into it. Johnny didn't put on a shirt, Angela forgot to wear her new combat boots and even I forgot to pack my small hand Blastket. We had cabin fever of the worse kind and someone just invited us to kick hero butt. HelmsBot was given the order to run red lights, go down one way streets and run over any old ladies if it will get us there faster.

We only sideswiped one bicycle rider, but we did get there pretty fast.

What Animal Master neglected to mention was that his secret hideout was surrounded by a wall of police officers. HelmsBot stuck to his programming by ramming right through one car and over a roadblock. Then he smashed through the garage doors before I could command him to do something a bit more cautious. It worked out all right though, he burst right through those doors and spun the 'Lustful Raider' into a cool skid that wiped out a bunch of over excited cyber monkeys.

Another freaking warehouse. I swear, it feels like I spend all my days now at either my warehouse hideout or others'. I might move to another city just for a change in variety of hideouts.

The back doors popped open and Johnny took the lead. That was cool. My crew and I followed behind him, shooting at whatever shot at him. He can take it. Plus, it helps get him angry and fires up those mutant hormones of his. A giant bull-man thing charged at us and Johnny grabbed him around the throat and just snapped his neck. It was all very impressive. Less impressive was my Bots shooting a downed cybernetic bull-man, but hey, you got to make sure they stay down.

Johnny led us deep into the lair where we could hear the sounds of battle. I have to say, it was one hell of a fight. Frost Sting was there, blasting what looked like an endless horde of tricked out cyber cats. She was freezing them solid in blocks of ice and looked like she had the whole army locked down. Animal Master was going toe to toe with the Choice and loosing. Look, I've fought the Choice and that is one smooth black martial artist chick. Animal Master was 90% cybernetics and it looked like she had already smashed most of his body with her bare hands.

Everyone on my side of the room winced when Choice delivered a perfect kick right upside Animal Master's head. The animal mutating bastard went down with a thud.

"Johnny, engage the Choice! Bots, attack Frost Sting, plan code Freezeburn. Angela, you're with me. "

"The name's Quartermistress!" Angela yelled, but she followed me as I charged behind Johnny. The big mutant ran right for Choice and before she could react, he had already bowled her over. They were fighting, wrestling and struggling with each other. I had to wonder if even Choice could deal with Johnny's pent up violent tension.

The Bots on the other hand were acting on a program I had designed after my last battle with Frost Sting. All of their engines revved up into over-clocking mode and they spread out to neutralize her mastery of big freaking ice attacks. The blonde ice queen was fast, but I had modified my Bot's laser weapons to fire in rapid wide streams. The damage wasn't as great, and it drained their engine something terrible, but I could already see her getting battered by a dozen shots as she tried to dodge them all.

Angela covered me as I made my way to Animal Master. An over excited robo-squirrel tried to stop me but Angela took him down with only three shots. Animal Master was out cold but that's what a few good open handed smacks with the hand is good for.

"Wha? Who dares!" Animal Master yelled when he awoke.

"I do," I snapped. "Scarlett Drake here to save your scurvy behind. Where's my ransom?"

"You're here!" he said. Damn. Choice's kick to the head must have addled him.

"Where's the ransom you worthless excuse for a mad scientist?"

"It's loaded into the truck by the escape tunnel," he said. His eyes were having trouble focusing. They rolled into the back of his head as he slipped back into unconsciousness.

"Wake up!" I screamed as I shook him.

I heard a terrific explosion and spun around. A eight foot tall tiger/cybernetic lass was firing a shoulder mounted missile launcher at Choice. I watched as Choice leaped in the air like she was in the freaking Matrix and deflect the missile with a kick. This deflected warhead was sent our way. I had just enough time to grab Angela and dive behind a research table for cover. The explosion was deafening.

There was a lot of smoke but my cybernetic eye let me see through the haze. Frost Sting was hiding behind a wall of ice but my Bots were chopping it down pretty quickly. The tiger chick was out of missiles but Johnny was clutching Choice in a painful bear hug. I think he was also copping a feel but hey, that's just his way. I looked around for Animal Master and found him lying beside the table we used for cover.

I also saw him on a crate, and over by the doorway we came through. Animal Master was all over the blasted room and with him went the secret of where my ransom was.

Johnny started to spin and within seconds he was going faster than a blender. I wasn't sure what he was doing till he let Choice go and through her upwards through the roof. The heroine went flying like a human Frisbee and I hope she landed somewhere very hard.

As for Frost Sting, the blonde coward had escaped through a hallway, leaving a wall of ice to cover her escape. I was hoping she was running away again, but you never know with heroes. I know my Bots must have tagged her a dozen times with their lasers but knowing that bitch, she'll be back to smack me around when I least need it.

"Good work, Johnny!" I said. I was going to say more but the big tiger woman with the largest treasure chests I have ever seen rushed up to him and grabbed him in a big hug. For a moment I thought she was going to bite his face off, but instead she just licked him a lot with her humongous tongue.

"Wow," Angela said. I knew how she felt. There was something about an anthropomorphic barely dressed tiger woman that makes you feel inadequate as a woman. Sheesh, I bet she bathes with her tongue too.

"Enough of the happy reunion," I yelled. "Frost Sting will be back and so will Choice whenever she lands. We need to get out of here."

"Felicia comes with us!" Johnny yelled. The tiger-woman was still licking his face.

"Fine, as long as she knows where my ransom is."

"It's by the escape tunnel," the tiger-woman said. "It's where we drive out so people watching the warehouse can't see us leave and enter the lair. The tunnel goes to an old shipping yard."

I almost licked the tiger-woman myself. "My drove in through the garage doors. is there a route to the escape tunnel?"

"No," Felicia said. "Master set up his lab between there and the escape tunnel."

"HelmsBot," I said into my communicator. "Prepare to drive the 'Lustful Raider' to my location."

Felicia showed us the escape tunnel and I have to say, it was pretty cool. I'd have to get one of those for myself. Outside the police were issuing demands through a loud speaker but I really couldn't hear them over HelmsBot driving through the interior of the warehouse. Glass, electronics and failed experiments were run over as cheap walls were knocked down. I'm thankful for the noise because Johnny and Felicia kept making out and trust me, those sounds were not cool.

I drove Animal Master's truck while HelmsBot carried my crew. Angela rode with me because quite frankly, I didn't want her sitting with Johnny and his new girlfriend. If those two 'celebrated' their reunion, it might scar Angela for life. Besides, Animal Master had one long escape tunnel and I was glad for the company. It was scary driving a pick in a dead villain's tunnel, never knowing if a hero was going to come crashing down and stop your getaway with a karate chop or a wall of ice. Being buried alive with a truck full of stolen money is not how I plan to die.

No one stopped us in the tunnel.

This wasn't what I had in mind for a ransom scheme but I have to say, it worked out all right.

Siege at the Hideout Day Thirteen

Today BosunBot noticed that we had three pigeons sitting on a wire across the street. A quick look with my telescopic cyber eye revealed that each 'pigeon' was packing a tiny metal hood with a laser turret.

If Animal Master thinks he knows where we are hiding, then by all means, PLEASE attack. I could send Johnny out to fight and watch him get killed, if I am lucky. Heck, I would kill for the chances to just shoot something. A battle to the death with a thousand crazed animals attacking the lair would be ten times preferable to Johnny sitting on the couch watching Extreme Car Chases one more freaking time.

Please, if Animal Master has any sense of mercy, bring it on! Kill us all, just try it!

Siege at the Hideout Day Twelve

Got to make it till Friday. Got to make it till Friday. Got to make it till Friday.

Today, Johnny snuck into my bedroom and was trying on my bras. At least, that is what he swore he was doing.

Got to make it till Friday.

Siege at the Hideout Day Eleven

Today on the news they reported a massive city wide attack on every bank in Comfort Bay. I cheered as they showed footage of cybernetic horses blasting open a vault. Even Johnny paused in his X-Box playing to watch. We spent a good hour trying to estimate how much money Animal Master must have stolen and whether he could pay the ransom yet.

Johnny suggested lowering the ransom amount and I nearly smacked his invulnerable butt. Lower the ransom now? I have not put up with the smell of dirty socks for the last two weeks just to lower our demands now. Great gods, the only thing that has gotten me through the weeks of bad TV, sweat smell and non stop chatter has been the dream of what I was going to do with the ransom money.

That meddling Frost Sting stopped one of the bank robberies and I swear, I have never been so angry my whole life. I just know the witch did it on purpose. Somehow, she knew that stopping that robbery was prolonging my misery. I can tell by the way she smiled at the camera when she said it was no trouble for her.